A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear.

“For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears.

The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again.

The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.”

The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. "Once you post it, you can’t edit the title."

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A woman overhears her 8 year old son playing with his train set.

As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the fuck off. If this is not your stop, stay the fuck on."

The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again.

"This stop is Seattle. If this is your stop, get the fuck off. If this is not your stop, stay the fuck on."

Horrified that her son used such foul language, she angrily sends him to his room for an hour.

After an hour passes, the woman allows her son to play with his train set on the condition he does not repeat what he said. He agrees.

Shortly after, the woman overhears her son playing with his train set once again.

After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. If this is your stop, get off. If this is not your stop, stay on. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cunt in the kitchen."

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

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man walks into a bar

man walks int a bar looking rather dejected .walks up tot eh bar and orders 4 shots of tequila

bartender says " geez man , whats wrong ?"

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the guy says " i just found out my youngest son is gay "

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the bartender says " aw man , thats sucks . Tell you what , the drinks are on me "

so the guy drinks the shots and leaves .

2 weeks later the same guy walks in the bar and orders 4 shots of teqila .

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bartender says " what happened now ?"

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the guy says " i just found out my oldests son is gay "

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the bartender says " man , that's rough , drinks are on me again "

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the guy drinks his shots and leaves the bar

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2 weeks later the same guy walks in the bar and orders 4 shots of tequila

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the bartender says " jesus man ! doesn't anyone in your family like pussy ?"

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the guy responds " yea, apparently my wife !

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My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."

"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"

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Doctor, doctor

A man goes into the doctors and says "doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf" and the doctor says "can you describe the symptoms" and he says "yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair"

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