Guy walks into a Doc's office

He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."

The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're just gonna have to trust me with this treatment."

The guy replies, "Do whatever you've got to do Doc, just get it out!"

So the Doc solemnly nods, then he takes a sandwich and shoves it in the guy's butt. Then he takes a cookie and shoves it in right after. The poor guy is whimpering but he trusts the Doc. The Doc pats him on the shoulder and says "Come back tomorrow, and we'll continue the treatment."

So the next day it's the same thing. First in goes the sandwhich, then in goes the cookie. The guy's hating his life, but the Doc assures him "Come back again tomorrow and hopefully we'll get you sorted out."

On the third day, the guy comes back to the Doc's office and as usual in goes the sandwich - but this time the Doc takes an apple and shoves it in after it.

The hookworm immediately pops his head out and says, "HEY, where's my fuckin' COOKIE??!"

Sorry if this joke is a repost. My wife told it to me yesterday and I had to share it. Keep laughing everybody, especially in hard times <3

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What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

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God asks Adam “Where is Eve?”

Adam says “she’s at the river washing her pussy”.

God says “Damn you, Adam. I’m never gonna be able to get that smell off the fishes again...”

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It was 1988. A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot...

... One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sheena, but she prefers to be called 'shee', and she’s selling batteries.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied. “Shee sells C cells by the Seashore.”

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My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

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Two people having sex is called a twosome

Three people having sex is a threesome

Four is, a foursome.

That must be why my mum always called me handsome.

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I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...

Until I rode pasta.

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