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Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 3, 2021

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’ ‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ The following day, the girl says to her mother. ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’ ‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic. Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there. When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Gary give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Gary. "I thought you packed it," Rodney gets worried, he turns to Roger, "did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally, Roger didn't bring it. So they're stuck 10 miles from home without a beer bottle opener. Rodney and Roger beg Gary to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Gary sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Rodney and Roger are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Gary pops up from behind a rock and shouts... "I KNEW IT!.... I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"

What generation is Forrest gump from?

Gen A.

A Calgarian died and went to Hell.

After the Calgarian had been in Hell for some days, Satan went to check on him. Much to his shock, he found that the Calgarian was enjoying himself.

"Why are you so happy?" asked Satan.

"It was always so cold in Calgary," said the Calgarian. "This place is so toasty warm."

"You like warmth?" responded Satan. "I'll show you warmth!" He immediately went to Hell's thermostat and cranked up the heat.

Satan walked back through Hell, past people who begged him to turn the heat back down. Finally, he met the Calgarian, who was happily eating a hot dog.

"Why are you still so happy?" asked Satan.

"This is perfect weather for a cookout!" replied the Calgarian.

"I think I'm going backwards," murmured Satan. He went back to the thermostat and turned the temperature down to below freezing.

Stan walked back through Hell, past people who begged him to turn the heat back up. Finally, he met the Calgarian, who was excitedly cheering.

"Why are you still so happy?" asked Satan.

"Hell froze over," said the Calgarian. "That means the Flames won the Stanley Cup!"

A man comes home and finds his dog holding his neighbor’s pet rabbit’s lifeless body

Realizing what has happened and fearing his neighbor’s ire, he quickly retrieves the rabbit, washes it and places it back in its cage, hoping his neighbor thinks it died of natural causes.

The following day his neighbor asks him if he knows what happened to Fluffy. “Er.. Um.. of course not... what happened?”, he replied. His neighbor explained, “We just found him dead one day. The weird thing is, after we buried him, someone dug him out of his grave, washed him and placed him back in his cage. There are some sick people out there.”

Little 5-year-old Johnny was running around the house making noise...

When his mother yelled at him, saying: "Can't you find something to do? Like maybe go across the street and watch the construction workers build that new house? "

So, Johnny did. A few hours later, His father had just returned home from work. "Where were you, son?" He asked.

Little Johnny answered: "Watching the men building that new house."

"Did you learn anything?", asked Dad

“I Did!”, exclaimed Little Johnny, “I learned all about building a house!”

“That’s a lot to learn in just one day!” Johnny’s father replied. “Tell me, Son, how do you build one?”

Little Johnny replied: "Well first, you have to put in the goddamn doors, except that when you go to put the fucking door up, but that son of a bitch won't fit. So, you bring that cocksucker back down, take a cunt hair off each end, then you put the mother fucker back up and hope it stays until the inspection!”

Furious, Johnny’s father shouted "How dare you use that language in my house! I'm going to spank you. Go to the tree in the backyard and bring me a switch."

And Little Johnny said: "Fuck you, that's an electrician's job."