1 - Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. "Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art." "You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"
2 - A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
3 - The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.
All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.
First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide. Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet. Then came the Marine General.
"I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls."
The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure.
"I am being serious. Now start measuring."
The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in alarm.
"Sir! Where are your balls?!?"
"IN VIETNAM!"
4 - My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....
He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"
The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits"
5 - An American and a Russian walk in a bar...
“One beer, please,” asks the American before downing the beer.
“Da, two beer,” asks the Russian in response, downing both.
Not wanting to be outdone, the American ordered;
“Three beers and shot of whiskey, please,” before downing them all in quick succession.
Not one to be shy from a challenge, the Russian ordered;
“Four beer, two shot,” before necking them all one after the other.
“Oh yeah?” says the American has he unzips his trousers and slams his member on the bar;
<thump> ”That’s America!” he said, proud of his piece, as the Russian began unzipping his trousers;
<thump...thump> ”That’s Chernobyl!”
6 - A man walks into a bar ...
A man walks into a bar with a robot.
The bartender asks "Hey man, what's with the robot?" The man replies "watch this!" The man then slaps the robot and then the robot starts blowing him.
"Wow that's pretty cool," says the bartender.
"You wanna try?" asks the man.
The bartender says "yeah sure! ... Just don't slap me so hard."
7 - There lived a King who had a beautiful wife..
On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.
The King returned after a couple of weeks and was shocked that all men, except one of his servants had passed away due to poisoning. The king was furious with his wife, but was very pleased with that servant. He wanted to give the servant something special..
King : You're probably the most Loyal people in my Kingdom. I can't even trust my own wife, but I can trust you. Ask whatever you want and it shall be yours.
Servant: Can I suck your cock?
8 - CLASSIC AMERICAN ONE
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
9 - An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins, Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice." !!
10 - NO OFFENSE TO THE TRUMP SUPPORTERS
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
11 - Wife: I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars. Husband: How about the ones like mine?" Wife: Those they gave away. Husband: I had a dream, too.... I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand. Wile: How much for the ones like mine?" Husband: That's where they held the auction.
Thats all folks. Have a good day.
