The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon dieu, that was so arousing and erotic, but tell me, why before you kissed me, did you pour red wine on my lip?"

"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when i taste the red meat, i have the red wine."

"Oh Pierre, that is so romantic, kiss me again, but lower this time!" and so he carefully unbuttons her blouse and lowers his head. But before he begins, he pours a little bit of white wine on her breast, and then, ravagement.

"Oh, Pierre, Pierre", she squealed, "again, so erotic, so arousing, so magnifique! but tell me, why this time, at my breast, the white wine?"

"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when I have the white meat, I pair it with the white wine."

"Oh Pierre, Pierre, so romantic, so sensual, kiss me lower, kiss me lower!"

And so he gets down on his knne and lifts her bustle, pushing aside her bloomers and lowers his head. Just before he engages, however, he pours a little bit of cognac onto her pubic hair and sets it alight.

"PIERRE, PIERRE, WHY HAVE YOU DOWN THIS?" she cried, batting out the flames.

"I am Pierre, zee french fighter pilot, and when i go down, i go down in flames."

Edit: I'm an old duffer that does not know how to format properly.

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There are 500 bricks on an airplane, one falls off

(Here's my favorite joke, cause it's cake day!)

There are 500 bricks on an airplane, one falls off. How many are left?

499.

Why do you never see an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because they're really good at it.

Why are the bottom of elephants' feet yellow?

So they're invisible when the flip upside down in a bowl of custard.

Why did the elephant paint it's nails red?

So it could hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

What is the rumbling noise deep in the jungle?

Elephants falling out of trees.

Why did the first elephant fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

It got hit by the first elephant.

Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out forest fires

Why do elephants have big flat feet?

To stamp out flaming ducks.

Why did the duck die?

Because three elephants fell out of a tree and landed on top of it.

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put elephant in, and close fridge.

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, and close fridge.

The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which one?

The giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?

All of the alligators are at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyways. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

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Two nuns are riding bicycles through the Vatikan and they decide to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street.

The first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before" The second nun replies, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."

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It's cake day so here's one of my favourites.

A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize
it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."

''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex?

Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing!"

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

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I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

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