T.hanks
Chủ Nhật, 2 tháng 5, 2021
A man goes to a hospital and sees a man masturbating.
He asks the nurse why is he doing so. The nurse explains to him that if he doesn't masturbate every 6 hours there would be a clot and he would die. Then in the next room, he sees a nurse giving a blowjob to a guy. He then says, "You will have to explain this." The nurse replies, "Same problem better insurance."
A pianist is applying for a job playing piano in a fancy restaurant.
So the manager takes him up to the piano and says 'OK show me what you can do'
The pianist says
'Sure, but the music might be unfamiliar to you because I only play my own compositions'
The manager says
'That's no problem, take it away'
The pianist begins to play the most emotionally stirring piece of music the manager has ever heard. It's achingly beautiful and almost brings a tear to the managers eye.
Choking back tears the manager says 'That is beautiful, what to do you call it?'
The pianist replies 'I fucked your mother in the ass and she shit on my balls'
The manager is slightly taken aback and says
'Well that is quite the title...Can you play something else?'
The pianist begins to play. Again the music is hauntingly beautiful, it's as though angels from heaven were dancing on the keys
The manager, again holding back tears asks what it's called. The pianist replies
'There's blood on my cock from fucking your slut sister on her period'
The manager is again taken aback and asks him to play a final piece. This piece is even more beautiful than the last, and again the manager asks what it is called. The pianist replies
'You shoved your shit into your grandmothers cunt, while I fucked your grandfather in the mouth'
The manager replies
'Well, I'm going to have to hire you even if your titles are somewhat unusual. You can start this Friday'
So Friday rolls around and the pianist arrives and is seated at his piano about to play when a woman with huge breasts and a low cut top walks by. The pianist is intensely aroused, and quickly runs off to the toilet to masturbate. He quickly finishes and is running back to the piano, unfortunately forgetting to clean himself up properly.
As he is just about to sit back down at the piano a woman comes up to him and says,
'Excuse me sir, do you know your cock is hanging out and there is semen all over your pants?'
The pianist replies,
'Know it?...I fucking wrote it!'
An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their sexual prowess.
The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.
"What about you?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.
There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex
Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature
We're Sergeants Now!
Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we're privates," says Jasper. "You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates. " He points to his stripes. "But, we're sergeants now."
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