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Thứ Tư, 12 tháng 5, 2021

A man hears about a magical lake…

…. where taking a bath increases penis size by an inch. He travels across the country in search of the this majestic lake when he comes across a homeless person who points towards a tall mountain and tells him the lake is on the top.

The man hastily arrives at the bottom of the mountain trying to find a way up. He finally sees a rope and starts climbing. A while later he reached the top and sees the beautiful lake.

He goes in to take a bath and finds an old sage in the lake talking a bath as well. He asks the sage if the lake truly has powers to make his penis larger and the sage says yes. Happily the man goes to sleep and wakes up to find his penis has increased in size.

Having discovered the magical lake the man goes to take a bath again to make his penis even longer. He finds the sage in there again and says “How long have you been taking a bath here?”

The sage replies “I came here when I was a young man. I got tempted by the power of this lake and never left”

The man surprised asks the sage how long his penis is. The sage replies “Remember how you climbed up the mountain using a rope? That wasn’t a rope.”

Thứ Ba, 11 tháng 5, 2021

The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

  • «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There is a witch down by the swamp, surely she has any spells to shorten it!»

So the man went down to the swamp and spoke with the witch.

«Witch! Please help me, my penis is too long and I want it shortened, is there anything you can do?»

  • «Ofcourse.» said the witch. «Go down to the swamp and ask the pink frog if she wants to marry you. If she says no, your penis will shrink by 10 centimeters.»

Amazed at what the witch said the man went down to the swamp and asked the frog if she wanted to marry him.

«No!» said the frog.

The man went home and measured his penis. «Wow! It’s only 40 centimeters, it really worked! But it’s still a bit too big.»

So the man went down to the swamp the next day and asked the frog the same question.

«No!» said the frog.

The man went home and measured his penis once again. «Wow! Now it’s 30 centimeters. Just 10centimeters more shortened and it’ll be perfect!»

So the man went down to the swamp for the last time.

«Do you want to marry me?»

The frog answered «No, no and bloody no! How many times do you have to keep asking?!»

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

I was watching porn last night when my grandmother suddenly walked in.

It was an awkward way to find out what she did for a living.

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.   Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.   Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.   "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

I’ll never forget my grandfathers last words...

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

A Quickie...

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,

"A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him

across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"