My uncle Jim is getting older, and he’s having trouble with his memory

So he went to his doctor, and he started taking these pills to help his memory.

“Hey Uncle Jim,” I said, “what are those memory pills you’re taking called?”

“Ahhhh...um....hmmm” he took a second,

“Hmmmm...hold on let me think ermmmm.....it’s....daisy? No that’s not it....it’s petunia? No..no, let me remember....”

“Well is it like....Tulip?” I suggested?

“No, no. That’s not it...some type of flower I think”

“Is it rose?” I asked,

“Yes, Rose! That’s it!” He exclaimed. Then he leaned his head towards the doorway....“Hey Rose! What’s the name of those new memory pills?”

Read More

I grilled a chicken for 2 hours.

It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

Read More

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit.

While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

“What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?” “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CEO.

“What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

Read More

During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, Where do you see yourself in five years?

My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got the job.

Read More

How to have sex

I heard this in Hindi atleast 20 years ago. sorry if it is long and doesn’t translate perfectly.

A man and a woman in a village get married and after few years they weren’t having a baby. Owing to family pressure to have a baby, the man decides to consult a temple priest.

The priest agrees to help him and visits him that night to see how he does “it”. Since the village doesn’t have electricity, priest asks the man to bring a lantern. The priest arrives that night and since it’s dark in the room, the man is ready with the lantern. The priest holds the lantern then asks him to do what he does. The priest notices that the man is doing clumsy things and clearly doesn’t know how to have sex. The priest asks the man to stop, come out of bed, hold the lantern and watch the priest do “it”. The man holds the lantern and watches as the priest goes down on her wife, with slow kisses and licks on her vagina , he slides to her breast and does some breast play. The woman, who was deprived of sex starts to enjoy and as soon as the priest puts his manhood into her womanhood, she moans in ecstasy and comes. The priest gets off the bed proudly and says this is how it’s done, i am sure you have learnt the art and if you repeat it multiple times then by god’s grace you will be blessed with a baby soon.

The priest then get transferred to another town far away and lives there for few years. He gets a chance to visit the village again after 5 years and decides to see that man. When he reaches his house he sees that there are 5 kids playing in his front yard. He is very happy to see the progress that man made.

He knocks the door and the same man opens the door and is very surprised and happy to see the priest. The priest then goes on to congratulate him on becoming a father and asks if the training helped.

The man says, “yeah that was easier than i thought. I just had to hold the lantern”

Read More

[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

Read More

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Read More