Not because of my calculation skills but because I got to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 5, 2021
A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."
Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 5, 2021
I gave a homeless guy $5 today
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
An older fella got a notice in the mail from the IRS
The letter said for him to show up at the local office for an audit. Being a shrewd kind of guy he decided to take his lawyer with him.
They show up at the office that Monday morning and meet the agent that is doing the audit. " Please have a seat, Mr.Smith. We called you in because we have noticed a great deal of really large sums of cash moving in and out of your account..."
" Oh, that's easy to explain, " said Smith. " I'm a gambler. I'll bet on anything. And sometimes I win really big."
"I don't think i understand", says the agent. Looking at his paperwork he says " Your telling me that you've won as much as a quarter of a million gambling??"
"Oh, sure. I'm telling you I'll bet on anything. I'll give you an example. I'll bet you ten grand right now that i can bite my left eye"
"Well that's just silly, Mr. Smith, really."
"Then what do you have to lose?" Smith said pulling a checkbook from his pocket.
"Fine, said the agent, "I'll take that bet." And as soon as the last word came out of the IRS agents mouth Mr.Smith took out his glass eye and placed it between his teeth. "Well I'll be gawd damn" says the agent, feeling stupid.
" Now don't worry about that" says Smith, just as calm as he pleased " I'll let you win it back. I'll tell you what, I'll bet you twenty grand that i can bite my other eye."
The IRS agents starts thinking about it. " Well he doesn't have a cane, so it's not like he has TWO glass eyes. Plus I'd be up ten grand so..."
"Your on" he says out loud. And Mr.Smith takes out his dentures and promptly chomps on the other eye.
Before the IRS man could speak Smith says " Look. I'm telling you this is how i make my money. But i don't want you to be mad at me. So one last bet. You see that garbage can over there in the corner?" It was about ten feet away "I bet you thirty grand that i can stand here and pee in that can without missing a drop."
The IRS agent looks at the distance, looks at the old man, looks back at the can then says "Your on!"
Our friend Mr. Smith proceeded to pull out his member and whizz all over the man's desk, soaking everything on it. "Ha!!" Yells the IRS agent "I GOT you! You owe me!!" He laughs.
"God DAMN!" yells Smith's lawyer.
"What's wrong with you?" ask the IRS agent.
"On the way over here he bet me half a million that he could piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
A father and his young son go to a restaurant.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
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