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Thứ Hai, 31 tháng 5, 2021

You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says "...do not step on the purple flower..." and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.

30 minutes later - poof - 1 of your friends simply disappears. You immediately start looking for him, repeatedly shouting his name worridly.

A couple of hours later, you find him behind a bush - fucking THE most ugly woman you have ever seen: She has a unibrow that connects to her ears and moles all over her sweaty, stinky, disorted body.

Disgusted, you angrily shout at your friend: "You bastard! What the hell are you doing?! This is disgusting!" A second later he turns to you, looking depressed, and says powerlessly, "I stepped on the purple flower..."

Welp

The three of you keep walking.

Another 30 minutes pass - poof - the other friend disappears. Shocked again, you begin searching for him as well.

1 hour later you find him behind a bush, fucking an even uglier woman than before: She is a fat old lady, roughly 80 years old, with hairs and sticky slime comming out of every part of her disgusting body, and has 5 limbs.

Feeling sick, you shout at him: "Jesus fucking christ man!! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

A moment later the friend turns to you and says, almost sobbing, "I stepped on the purple flower..."

Welp

The three of you keep walking.

Another 30 mintues pass - poof - your 2 friends notice that you have disappeared.

This time they already know the drill, and calmly start to look for you.

5 mintues later they find you behind a bush, fucking THE most beautiful woman they have ever seen: She has a silky golden hair, bright blue eyes, huge tits, and a smooth curved body that looks like that of a goddess.

Furious, the two of them yell at you: "HOW IN THE FUCK DID YOU GET TO FUCK A BEAUTY LIKE THIS AND WE HAD TO FUCK THOSE UGLY BITCHES?!"

Crying, the woman turns to them "I stepped on the purple flower..."

Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 5, 2021

The doctor told me I'm going deaf...

The news was hard for me to hear

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”

“Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud, lots of greens. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

A Joke for a Sunday

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"

Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.

I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore

He said "Fine, suit yourself"