Use an nsfw tag
Thứ Năm, 3 tháng 6, 2021
A married couple leaves a formal event
He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.
"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."
"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.
They drive to an intersection. Across from them is a police car.
"He's going to see you're not wearing your seat belt," she says.
"Nonsense," he says.
The light turn green and the cop pulls them over. The husband hurriedly fastens on his seat belt.
'Sir, were you wearing that seat belt a moment ago?" asks the cop.
"Of course I was."
"Ma'am," the cop says, "do you recall if he was wearing his seatbelt?"
"Oh, I couldn't say," the wife replies. "It's best not to argue with him when he's been drinking."
A jew visits a brothel
He talks to the guy at reception:
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Hello, I want to see Samantha.
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One moment sir.
A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.
-Have you asked for me?
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Yes, I want to spend the night with you.
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Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night.
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Doesn't matter, I want to spend the night with you.
They go upstairs and spend the night together.
Next day, the man comes to the brothel again. He says:
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I want to see Samantha.
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Sir, we do have other prostitutes as well.
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I don't care, I want to see Samantha.
They call Samantha and she comes downstairs. Seeing the man, Samantha asks:
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You again? If you remember it, I have a high service cost of $1000 a night.
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I don't care about the money, I want to be with you.
They be together for that night as well. The very next day, the man comes to the brothel even once more. He asks for Samantha, unsurprisingly. Samantha sees him downstairs:
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Oh my god, you again? I am not making a discount for regulars, do you know that?
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Oh yes, doesn't matter. Want to spend the night with you.
After they're done, Samantha asks:
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It's cool that you like me this much but I can't understand why. You paid a grand to fuck me for 3 consecutive days. Where are you from?
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Tel Aviv
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Tel Aviv, that's cool, my sister lives there as well.
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I know, she handed me $3000 to bring to you.
Best Husband Ever!
The Perfect Husband: Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$65,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Thứ Tư, 2 tháng 6, 2021
A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.
As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.
Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless. The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent there eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.
And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free."
So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle.
"Is this your last request?" the chief asks.
"Uh, no," says the cowboy.
"My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more."
"Ok..." says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses,
"You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
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