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Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 6, 2021

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?

This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my ass.........

It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."

I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".

A young comedian was following in his late father's footsteps.

One night, one of his dad's friends caught his show and went back stage after to say hello. "I loved your show, you're doing good for yourself, but you don't look happy. You okay?"

"Well," the comedian confessed, "dad gave me a lot of good advice, and I think it's been the key to getting me bigger and better venues, and more success than I thought possible. But...well, it's lonely on the road."

"No disrespect to your mom," the friend said, "but your dad did pretty well with the ladies out on the road. Didn't he give you any advice about that?"

"Oh yeah! And I follow it! Whenever I'm doing a show I look for a woman that's not laughing at my routine, and I hit on her after the show."

The friend rubbed his head, "I can't imagine that'd work, or that your dad would advise that. You sure that's what he said to do?"

"Oh yeah, he must have said it a dozen times a day! 'If they can't take a joke, fuck em!'"

I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones

A woman asked her husband why he was coming up with so many silly dad jokes recently.

He admitted to her that, since they had kids, their sex life had grown a bit stale.

Laughing, she grabbed a peach from the kitchen counter and pulled him toward her.

Slowly, seductively, she ate it while staring into his eyes, sucking the last of the pulp from the pit.

Then, while he stared on in disbelief, she used the pit to masturbate to completion, moaning all the while as she longingly stared at him.

When she finished, she gently beckoned him with her finger. He stood over her, slack-jawed, as she leaned back on the counter.

"So, what do you think about that, Mr. Dad Jokes?" she said with a smirk.

He grinned. "That...was mother fucking hard core."