Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."
Thứ Ba, 29 tháng 6, 2021
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...
...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest, he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.
The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.
By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!".
The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".
The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."
Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 6, 2021
Too big for Pedro
Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.
One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."
Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."
So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties."
Juanita says "Pees off you peeg.
So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out.
So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body."
Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half."
Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties."
Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice."
Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out."
Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again.
Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half Pedro."
Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."
A backpacker finds a tiny village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny pub
He walks into the pub and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.
Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 4!" and the whole room erupts with laughter.
The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter dies down and he goes back to sipping his pint.
Then another one of them shouts, "Number 21!" and once again everybody has a good laugh.
The backpacker turns to someone and asks what's going on. "Ah you see we're a bit isolated out here", the man says. "We all know each other's jokes so well we decided to give them all a number to save time when we want to tell them."
The backpacker gets a mischievous look on his face. He stands up and shouts, "Number 1001!"
It was like an earthquake had hit. The whole room reverberated with the men's voices, some of them slapping their thighs and almost falling off their chairs. As the laughter died down some of them were pressing their hands to their chests, just to make sure they weren't having a heart attack.
The backpacker turns to the man next to him and says, "So is that one of the good ones?" The man says, "Oh no, it's just that we'd never heard that one before."
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