[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks a couple of pennies as change onto the counter, which the monkey promptly grabs and swallows.

The guy said, "Oh he eats random things all the time".

As if on cue, the monkey jumps onto the pool table and stuffs the cue ball down his throat. Sighing, the man brings out his wallet.

The next week, the man and his monkey go back to the bar. This time, the monkey sees cherries on the counter. He grabs one, rams it up his buttcrack, removes it and eats it.

Disgusted, the bartender asks the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "Yeah, ever since he had to shit out that cue ball he ate last time, he'll be darned if he doesn't measure everything first".

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After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear..

Who was that..

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a grave keeper.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'll pay you $100."
The watchman agreed and the man left the cemetery in a hurry.
He was shocked: his wife left him and he killed a cop... BANG!
Before he could react, he knocked down another cop. "What should I do? I don't have money. I'll just throw it to the watchman quietly and maybe he won't notice."
He drove back to the cemetery and quietly threw the second cop to the watchman while he was distracted.
The watchman finished buried the first one, turned around only to see the second cop. "WTF? I swear I buried it??"

Just down the road there was a traffic police post near the cemetery. The traffic cop notices that the same car had travelled back and forth to the cemetery and decided to check what was happening. He drove to the cemetery where the watchman just buried the second cop.
The officer asked him: "What's going on here?" Only for the watchman hit him on the head with a shovel: "Will you fucking settle down today or not!?"

Big thanks to /u/SephariusX for improving text❤️

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Why is Kim Jong Un heartless?

Because he has no Seoul.

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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents

went over to their house,
and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He
sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and
said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and
the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd
heard him, when she turned away from the pot she
was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't
that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly
whirled around, whacked him over the head with her
spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about
my cooking again!!"

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A man goes in for a prostate exam

The gentlemen is waiting for the doctor to come in and start the examination.

The young doctor comes in and greets the patient explaining that he will conduct the exam and grabs a pair of gloves.

The doctor then says “ Okay Steve this is your first Prostate exam, don’t get an errection.

The patient then replies “uhh my name is not Steve!?!”

The doctor says “ I know, my name is Steve”.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

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