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Chủ Nhật, 25 tháng 7, 2021

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late!

I like to pick girls up at cover band concerts

Since I already know they're willing to settle

What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat,” she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down."

"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"

"Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired."

A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just in case this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran to the door. The husband whispers to the wife "Honey, I am going to hide behind the door, and listen if it's the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with this." She agrees and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes I do", she answers. The man replies "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?!"

Thứ Bảy, 24 tháng 7, 2021

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day

Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Two old friends caught up for lunch

Two old friends caught up for lunch.

Greg and Barry hadn't seen each other for over twenty years.

"How have you been?" Barry asked. "I've been good" Greg said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two beautiful kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?"

Barry puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either".

"And the sex! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting it consistently. Every single day".

Greg couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Barry living the good life for the past 20 years.

The two friends parted after lunch.

Later that night Greg was having dinner with his family when the phone rang.

"Excuse me, is this Greg?" a voice asked. "Yes it is, how can I help you?" Greg replied.

"I'm trying to track down Barry. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued.

"Okay"... Greg asked confused "Can I ask who this is?"

"This is Barry's parole officer".