Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned...

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I like to pick girls up at cover band concerts

Since I already know they're willing to settle...

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What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced...

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Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. "My cat is very fat,” she says. "Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him." The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down." "Oh no! Because he's so fat?" "Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired."...

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A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just in case this guy shows up again." The...

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Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day

Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life....

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Two old friends caught up for lunch

Two old friends caught up for lunch. Greg and Barry hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Barry asked. "I've been good" Greg said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two beautiful kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?" Barry puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time...

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