My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well....

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What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM...

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I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had one, but they smell really nice...

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Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China. They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection. The first man made a phone call to the police: "I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!" The police tell him they will come for them in 24 hours The second man made a phone call to the army: "Comrade, I served the country as you do, please get me out of here!" The soldier tell him they will come for them in 12 hours The final man made a phone call to someone, and made a whisper which the other...

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A young lady starts a new job as a cashier in an adult novelties store.

The boss gives her the run through "We have white dildos for $10 and bigger black dildos for $20. Got it?" She says she does, and he leaves. Her first customer comes in and the new clerk explains the options available. She chooses the white model, pays and leaves. The second customer wanders in. The clerk goes over the options with her, she purchases the black model and is on her way. Her third customer, a little old Polish lady, comes in some time later. The clerk describes both options, but the new customer asks "How much for the big red one...

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gail and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep. A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news" The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front door in his bathrobe and slippers. He opens the door and says "What!" Before him stands a man soaked in rainwater who says "Please help me sir. I'm stuck and I need a push" "Fuck off" "Please I just need a push." The man slams the door and goes up to his wife....

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I have a vaccine joke

… but a lot of people won’t get it!...

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