There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." And so they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy g string. I love you...can't wait to see you. What's that? Oh Yes, of course it's anal all week long now" He hung up, grabbed his keys...

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A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him. Man: God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful? God: I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son. Man: And why did you make her so kind-hearted? God: I made as such so that you could love her, my son. Man: And God, did you make her such an amazing cook? God: I blessed her with the talent of cooking so that you could love her, my son. Man: Thank you, Lord, but forgive me but I must ask one more question....

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't....

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An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!" This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?" "No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"...

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Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies......

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Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned...

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