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Thứ Bảy, 31 tháng 7, 2021
Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.
One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, I wouldn't do one thing different!"
So Caesar said, "You will be put into the Colosseum, where you will be forced to do battle with men and vicious beasts. The people of Rome will delight in the spectacle of your death." And the tribunes heard and nodded at one another in agreement; for they could think of no more fitting a punishment. Because, after all, he was glad 'e ate 'er.
Two 5 yr old twin brothers are laying in bed one night discussing how to act more grownup around mom and dad.
Suddenly one of the brothers says, "why don't we curse like grownups"? The other brother says, "great idea, what should we say". "I'll curse like daddy and say Aw Hell". "Oooh, good one I'll say You bet your sweet ass like mom says". They decide to surprise their mom the next morning at breakfast and are in their seats waiting when she walks into the kitchen. "Ok honey, what do you want for breakfast"? To which one boy replies, "aw hell, I think I'll have some corn flakes". So shocked was she that she immediately pulled him out of his chair and washed his mouth out with soap. She sits him back down and looks over at his brother and glaringly asks, "so what are you having for breakfast"? The little boy looks up with the most serious look on his face and says, "You bet your sweet ass I'm not gonna ask for Corn Flakes".
A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.
"My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!
See you in a week's time!''
A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.
The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"
"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"
Thứ Sáu, 30 tháng 7, 2021
A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]
A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."
The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."
The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"
The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.
After asking the man, he responds with " There is no fucking problem. All I wanna do is cash my 10 million dollar check from winning the lottery and then put it in this goddamn bank!"
The manager responds with "Oh, and is this bitch over here giving you any problems, sir?"
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