I know he means well
Thứ Năm, 5 tháng 8, 2021
Jill decides to take her husband Jack to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Jack! How ya doin'?"
Jill is puzzled and asks if he has been to this club before. "Oh no," says Jack. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Jack if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
Jill is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Jack, and says "Hi Jack ! Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Jill, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Jack follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Jack".
A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.
They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:
"Comrades, you shouldn't joke like that here. Every room is bugged, you know..."
"Nonsense! Who would listen to us?" "Well, let me show you"
The man walks up to a socket and says into it: "Comrade major, can I have a cup of tea please?"
Sure enough, the staff member soon enters with a cup of tea.
"See, told you."
The three men are pale and quiet for the entire night, so the tired man finally gets some good sleep.
He wakes up the next morning alone. He walks downstairs and asks the receptionist about the fate of the three men.
"At 3 in the morning the KGB came and arrested them. Comrade major also said that he liked your little trick, but warned you to be careful next time."
A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...
A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.
"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"
"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.
She blushed and said, "That was wonderful. Can I be very frank with you? Because of my condition, I've only ever been kissed once in my life and that hug was so great, would you do me a favor of giving me a kiss, too?"
"Of course," he said, and laid along, slow, passionate kiss upon her lips. He held her tightly for a full minute, savoring the experience and feeling how she practically melted in his arms.
"Sir," she said, "you are truly amazing. I know this may seem like a shock, but I have one more favor. Again, because of my condition, I've never been fucked. Would you be willing to do that for me and give me a memory that will last for a lifetime?"
The man thought for only a moment, and said, "You got it." Then he leaned down and picked her up, rifled through the purse she had been laying on, and took out her credit card. Then he signed her up for Planet Fitness memberships with monthly payments at 700 gyms across the country, each of which required her to show up in-person to cancel. "There," he said, "now you're fucked."
Thứ Tư, 4 tháng 8, 2021
A guy in a bar bets the bartender $100 that he can lick his eyeball
The bartender agrees
The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it
The bartender angrily gives the man his money
The man bets the bartender $300 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too
The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind
The man pulls out his dentures and lightly chomps them on his other eyeball
The bartender is fuming, but gives the man his money
The man then orders a beer, and walks away
The man walks back, and bets the bartender $2,000 that he can piss directly into a shot glass while running, with 2 attempts
The bartender knows for a fact that this is impossible, and agrees to the bet
On attempt 1, the man gets piss everywhere, and none in the shot glass
The bartender smirks, with high hopes
On attempt 2, the man once again pisses everywhere in the bar, except for the glass
The bartender jumps up and down in excitement, knowing that he has won
Then another man in the corner of the bar screams 'FUCK'
When the bartender asks what the problem is, the man says,
"That asshole just bet me $5,000 that he could piss all over the bar, and that you would be happy"
Young man moves into an apartment block….
On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.
One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.
She smirks and starts making small talk , all the while flirting and leaning forward letting him glimpse her bare breasts. She suddenly grabs his arm, looks along the hallway and says “ I hear someone coming maybe you better come in my apartment “.
The man nods, follows her into her apartment and as he closes the door she lets her negligee drop to the floor.
“ What would you say was my best features?” She whispers sexily.
“ your ears”, he replies.
She looks confused for a moment, “ my ears? Why would you say my ears?”
The guy looks embarrassed and replies “ Well, earlier when you said you could hear someone coming.., it was me.”
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
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