A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades, you shouldn't joke like that here. Every room is bugged, you know..."

"Nonsense! Who would listen to us?" "Well, let me show you"

The man walks up to a socket and says into it: "Comrade major, can I have a cup of tea please?"

Sure enough, the staff member soon enters with a cup of tea.

"See, told you."

The three men are pale and quiet for the entire night, so the tired man finally gets some good sleep.

He wakes up the next morning alone. He walks downstairs and asks the receptionist about the fate of the three men.

"At 3 in the morning the KGB came and arrested them. Comrade major also said that he liked your little trick, but warned you to be careful next time."

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful. Can I be very frank with you? Because of my condition, I've only ever been kissed once in my life and that hug was so great, would you do me a favor of giving me a kiss, too?"

"Of course," he said, and laid along, slow, passionate kiss upon her lips. He held her tightly for a full minute, savoring the experience and feeling how she practically melted in his arms.

"Sir," she said, "you are truly amazing. I know this may seem like a shock, but I have one more favor. Again, because of my condition, I've never been fucked. Would you be willing to do that for me and give me a memory that will last for a lifetime?"

The man thought for only a moment, and said, "You got it." Then he leaned down and picked her up, rifled through the purse she had been laying on, and took out her credit card. Then he signed her up for Planet Fitness memberships with monthly payments at 700 gyms across the country, each of which required her to show up in-person to cancel. "There," he said, "now you're fucked."

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $100 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $300 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pulls out his dentures and lightly chomps them on his other eyeball

The bartender is fuming, but gives the man his money

The man then orders a beer, and walks away

The man walks back, and bets the bartender $2,000 that he can piss directly into a shot glass while running, with 2 attempts

The bartender knows for a fact that this is impossible, and agrees to the bet

On attempt 1, the man gets piss everywhere, and none in the shot glass

The bartender smirks, with high hopes

On attempt 2, the man once again pisses everywhere in the bar, except for the glass

The bartender jumps up and down in excitement, knowing that he has won

Then another man in the corner of the bar screams 'FUCK'

When the bartender asks what the problem is, the man says,
"That asshole just bet me $5,000 that he could piss all over the bar, and that you would be happy"

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Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

She smirks and starts making small talk , all the while flirting and leaning forward letting him glimpse her bare breasts. She suddenly grabs his arm, looks along the hallway and says “ I hear someone coming maybe you better come in my apartment “.

The man nods, follows her into her apartment and as he closes the door she lets her negligee drop to the floor.

“ What would you say was my best features?” She whispers sexily.

“ your ears”, he replies.

She looks confused for a moment, “ my ears? Why would you say my ears?”

The guy looks embarrassed and replies “ Well, earlier when you said you could hear someone coming.., it was me.”

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

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A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied: "He went that way."

After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."

The nun said: "I understand completely."

The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either!

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The Italian Math Challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '

Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree.

So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

(Sorry if you've heard it before.)

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