A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until the bar closes and when they start heading home, Joe pukes and gets it all over his shirt.

"Great." Joe says, "Now my wife is gonna know Ive been drinking" His buddy says "Dont worry. Just tell her I needed help getting home and that I puked on your shirt when you were holding me up" "Here, take this 10 dollars and tell her I gave that to you for dry cleaning."

Joe puts the money in his pocket and continues home. When he gets there, his wife is fuming. "Look at you. Youre drunk arent you?"

"No." He says.

"Yes you are. Look at your shirt, youre covered in puke."

Joe says, "No, no, baby, my co-worker puked on me when I was helping him get home."

"Bullshit" she says

"Look in my pocket, he gave me 10 bucks for the cleaners"

She looks in his pocket and asks "OK, why is there $20?"

"Oh, because he also shit in my pants"

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A wife found her husband in bed with another woman

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!"_ she cried. _"How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"

The husband calmly replied, "Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead",the wife sobbed, "but they will be the last words you say to me!"

The husband began:

"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."

"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."

"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."

"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."

"I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."

"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."

"I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."

The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

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"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

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How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Juan

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A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wreckage of both cars agrees

The rabbi then grabs something from his destroyed car and says: "And look at that, even though everything in my car is destroyed, this bottle of expensive wine is not broken. This is also a sign from God that we should open it now and drink together to celebrate our new friendship!".

The priest agrees.

The rabbi than hands the wine bottle to the priest and he takes a few big chugs from it. He than hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi immediately puts the bottle cap on and hands it back to the priest.

The priest, confused, asks "Aren't you going to drink some?"

The rabbi than says "You know... I think I'll wait for the police to arrive!"

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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