So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, your honor."

The judge looked at his papers, "So, counsel, apparently, there were thirty witnesses to the alleged statement, are you sure you're going to plead not guilty?"

The defendant's attorney nodded, "Truth is an absolute defense, your honor. We would like to call the plaintiff's mother as our first witness."

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How do you trigger a Taliban soldier?

With the detonator.

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My friend gets crickets when he needs to feed his pet scorpion. Do you know when I get crickets?

Every time I tell a joke.

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A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and asking her more and more question. The wife gets sick of the horrible jealousy of her husband and thinks of a way to make him happy and end the argument.

She than remembers that getting naked usually gets him distracted and the argument ends really quickly. So the woman quickly strips down naked and looks at the man while biting her lips.

The man confused yells "You think getting naked will end this argument? When has that ever worked with me?"

The woman than replies "Oh right... That only works on Mark!"

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A biker stops at a young girl who's just about to jump off a bridge. He says to her, "why not give me your last kiss before you jump?"

She quietly accepts and gives him one of the deepest kiss ever.

When she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That is the best kiss I ever had! It would be a real waste of your talent to jump. Why are you committing a suicide?"

She replied, “my parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

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The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

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