A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”

Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

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I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, your honor."

The judge looked at his papers, "So, counsel, apparently, there were thirty witnesses to the alleged statement, are you sure you're going to plead not guilty?"

The defendant's attorney nodded, "Truth is an absolute defense, your honor. We would like to call the plaintiff's mother as our first witness."

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How do you trigger a Taliban soldier?

With the detonator.

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My friend gets crickets when he needs to feed his pet scorpion. Do you know when I get crickets?

Every time I tell a joke.

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A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and asking her more and more question. The wife gets sick of the horrible jealousy of her husband and thinks of a way to make him happy and end the argument.

She than remembers that getting naked usually gets him distracted and the argument ends really quickly. So the woman quickly strips down naked and looks at the man while biting her lips.

The man confused yells "You think getting naked will end this argument? When has that ever worked with me?"

The woman than replies "Oh right... That only works on Mark!"

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