They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.
Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest penis.”
No one argued with Gerald as everyone at the table had seen (or felt) his penis and it was massive. It didn’t matter what room he was in. He probably had the largest penis in it.
Craig, a 26 year old DJ, casually said, “Well I have massive fists.”
Everyone nodded silently. Craig’s fists were well known and had been in many orifices. He has been known to turn the smallest babbling brook into a vast canyon.
Agnes, a 91 year old retired welder, proudly said, “Well I have the nicest vagina in the room.”
Again, no one argued with Agnes. For one, she was the only woman in the room. And for two, despite being 91, she was in good shape and took care of herself to include vagina exercises.
Tim, a 21 year old nurse, and the host of the gathering, smirked and exclaimed, “Well I have the biggest asshole here!”
Immediately the group started to murmur amongst itself. They had all been sticking things up their butt for many years (especially Agnes) and there was no way the youngest of the group had the biggest asshole.
Craig immediately stepped up to the challenge. He had been working on a party trick for a while now and this seemed like the appropriate time to show it. He went to the fridge and found an 8” carrot. He then took his pants off, laid down on his stomach and flipped the carrot over his shoulder. It flew in a wide ark and immediately disappeared up his butt.
The group gave a golf clap. The showmanship was impressive but it didn’t answer the question at hand.
Gerald decided it was his time to shine. He went to the pantry and found a potato. He then placed the potato on the counter, took his pants off and sat on the potato. Just to show he didn’t damage the potato he took it out and showed the group. It looked exactly like it had before it had gone in (maybe a little browner).
The group was slightly more impressed by this. Butt stuff was Gerald’s thing though, so it was expected he’d have something to offer.
Now it was time for Agnes to show all these young amateurs what was up. She went into the garage and found a 2 foot long, 2 inch thick wooden dowel. She lifted up her dress and balanced on top of the dowel. She then took a deep breathe and dropped to the floor. When she stood back up the dowel was gone.
This was truly impressive, but to be fair, this is a *largest* asshole contest, not a *longest* asshole contest.
Still smirking, Tim walked into the kitchen and turned on his espresso machine. He steamed the milk and whipped it. He poured in the espresso and added a swirl of caramel and just a touch of cinnamon. He put a doily on a saucer and plated his drink. He casually walked over to the table and placed his drink onto it.
Just as he did a giant fat tabby cat came barreling into the room, sliding around on the floor, and slamming into walls as he turned corners. He jump onto the table and immediately swatted the drink off. The cup and saucer shattered and there was liquid everywhere. The cat then peed on the table and tried to scratch Tim.
Agnes, Gerald, and Craig immediately realized the misunderstanding that has happened. An embarrassing quiet fell over the room.
Gerald finally broke the silence, “So your cat is the biggest asshole.” Then he thinks for a second and goes, “Does he hate all coffee or just the fancy stuff?”
Tim looks a little confused and says, “It’s just the fancy stuff. But the cat’s not the biggest asshole. The coffee is just how I get him into the room.”
Tim then shoves the cat up his ass.
