An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man replies:

"Well I fucked a peacock once, just wondering if you're my kid"

(I haven't seen this here but I started a month ago so I hope this isn't a repost. My take on an old joke that was told to me when I was a teenage punk, so no idea how well known it is)

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What's smarter than the average bear?

50% of all bears.

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Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was the best decision. Also, that movie is heavily featuring product placements from Burt’s Bees new ‘Fragile’ brand lip-balm. On top of that, I expect that my favorite Mexican food place, Alido's, is part of a crime ring and paying hush money to a mafia boss I saw there the other day.”
The patient gasps, and looks exhausted as they catch their breath.

The therapist adjusts their glasses and says, “Now simplify that even further. Only the basic points of that sentence.”
The patient thinks for a while, before responding with “Super Callie, Fragile lipstick, expect Alido’s hush.”

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Religion is like a vagina.

Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.

But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.

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A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blond. I wrestled in college and I work out everyday. The girl to your left is blond, and she's an MMA fighter who paralyzed an opponent last year by accident . The girl on your right is blond, and she's a boxer. The girl at the table behind you is blond, and she just got out of prison for killing a man. At the table next to her is yet another blond, who beats up people for a drug ring regularly and frequently escapes from jail to enact revenge on people who don't pay up.

Now tell me, cowboy, do you really want to tell a blond joke?" The blind man sighs. "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it 5 times."

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the boy can’t have any then.

A few days later the son walks in on his father with a big bag of marshmallows, and boy does the kid love marshmallows! So he asks his dad if he could please have some, they’re his favorite after all, and his dad replies with the same response as before, “can your dick touch your ass?”. The son thinks about the question and hesitates before he sadly replies “no” again and walks away with his head down

The boy comes home from school one day to find his grandmother had left some of her homemade cookies for the family and he digs right in.

Just then, the boys father comes home from work and sees his son and the cookies at the kitchen table. The father is so excited because he already knows it’s his mom’s cookies and they’re his favorite.

The father pulls up a chair and asks his son for a cookie. The son looks at him with innocent eyes and says “can your dick touch your ass?”. The father smirks and replies “of course my son”, and before the father could say another word the boy shouts “well go fuck yourself because these are my cookies!”

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