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Thứ Ba, 31 tháng 8, 2021
So a penis walks into a bar,
So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this creature possess? Can it think? Feel? Love? Hate? What are the inner workings of this nightmarish oddity, and, more importantly, where did it come from? This is the scariest moment of my life, and I will be forever haunted by the deep psychological trauma of encountering a living, breathing, walking penis capable of conscious decision-making.”
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
The Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.
Because our air conditioner broke.
And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.
The animals hear that the world is going to end
So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.
“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”
The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about cross-breeding between species?”
The Lion roars: “I just said we’re all going to die in 10 days. Cross-breeding between species is none of our problem anymore.”
So, the animals start fucking like never before.
In a clearing, a few days later, the elephant comes across the giraffe, and without much talking, they get down and dirty with each other.
At one moment, as the elephant was fucking the giraffe, she bends down her neck and noticed that the elephant is wearing a condom.
“Hey, elephant,” says the giraffe. “Why are you wearing a condom? The lion says everything will end, it doesn’t matter if we cross-breed anymore.”
The elephant continues fucking the giraffe, and just waves her question off with his trunk: “Oh don’t worry about it. It’s actually not a condom. It’s just the snake, giving me a blowjob.”
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