A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

Read More

3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke from the bong.

Eventually, they detach muzzle the horse and the horse's eyes get bloodshot, it is visibly high.

As a consequence, the horse starts talking:

"You have awakened me", the horse says.

The stoners, shocked, reply, "whoa, you can talk?" In unison.

The horse proceeds to tell them that they must jerk him off or die.

The first stoner says "nuh-uh, i aint like that", and the horse mauls him and chews his face, killing him slowly.

The second stoner tries to escape, screaming "Id rather die than jerk off a horse!"

The horse opens a safe, takes out a shotgun, and unloads a shell into the second stoner, making him slowly bleed out to death.

The third stoner, horrified, approaches the horse and fulfills the act until the horse is finished. The horse then spares the third stoner, and leaves him a diamond worth a great fortune.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should get off your high horse.

Read More

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Read More

Three years ago, I asked my crush out. Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

Read More

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

Read More

It’s Mikes first day of prison.

He walks into his cell, and his cellmate is sitting on the edge of the bed shirtless.

“Listen, first thing you need to know is that this is going to happen. Your only choice is whether is happens with spit or without spit,” says the shirtless celly.

“Well, I don’t want this to happen at all, please don’t make me,” Mike pleads.

The shirtless man just looks at Mike and repeats himself “It can happen with spit or without spit.”

“Shit, ok well I guess with spit,” says Mike.

“Cool,” the celly says, and then calls out “HEY SPIT GET IN HERE HE SAID YOU CAN COME TOO.”

Read More

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.

Read More