Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money." She proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

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Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

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Which drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

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Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.

The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone”

The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!”

“It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He stops and waits, seemingly expecting something

Suddenly a loud voice calls out from the room above

“Who the fuck is playing the trombone at 3 am!?”

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Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns around.

His partner says “why’d you stop?”

“Well when I got close, I realized one was my wife and one was my mistress.”

The other fellow decides to go inquire on behalf of the duo.

He, too, gets halfway, stops and turns around.

As he comes back to his partner he says “small world…”

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!" "Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said. The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?" "Swearing at me." "You absolute twat." Another ticket. "Pin dick!" Another. "Fucker!" Another.

My wife came out of the store and stood beside me. "What's going on?" She asked.

"This prick keeps writing tickets because I'm swearing at him."

"What an utter bastard," she said. With a wicked grin, the traffic warden began to write another two.

"Oh, look," said my wife, grabbing my arm and pulling me away. "Our bus is here."

"Good job we didn't bring the car..."

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Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

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