By never owning one.
Thứ Tư, 8 tháng 9, 2021
I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...
I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right places. I said WOW and gave her my name. She gave me hers, so i asked what she did.
She said "I'm a Sunday school teacher."
I said "Well, I Ain't never been with a Christian woman before but I'm open minded about the whole affair."
So we got in my Corvette and i was trying to impress her now. I headed to the fancyest place in town that didn't take reservations. I asked her if she'd like to smoke a joint while we wait.
She said "Heavens no! What would i tell my sunday school children?" And I apologized.
I figure weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't, so i took a few puffs and then we got a table.
She ordered the lobster, I ordered the steak. I asked for the 2nd most expensive bottle of wine on the list, but when our waiter came to pour it, she declined saying "Heavens no! What would I tell my Sunday school children?"
I knew right then and there it was a bust. We ate our pricey meals. We talked and laughed. Had a great time at dinnet bur I drank that whole pricey bottle by myself thinking her Christ was one helluva cock blocker.
So I'm driving her home and we pass a cheap motel. I figure I've got nothing left to lose, so I say "Why don't we get a room and fuck like bunnies?"
She says "I thought you'd never ask!"
I say "really? What will you tell your Sunday school children?"
She says, "The same thing I tell them every week...
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK AND SMOKE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!!!"
Thứ Ba, 7 tháng 9, 2021
Three Guys Were Sleeping Together On A Single Bed
One on the left wakes up and says i had a dream i was getting a handjob from a hot blonde
The Guy on the right says that's weird i had a similar dream but the only difference is the girl giving me a handjob was a brunette
The one in the middle says well i had a dream where i was Skiing!
Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.
St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.
The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. There she was, naked as the day she was born. I look around, and spot two hands gripping the balcony. There's a man hanging from my balcony, in just his underwear, 25 floors above the ground! I step on the bastards fingers, he won't let go. I bite his fingers, he wouldn't let go. Finally I grab a hammer, that did the trick and he fell. But then the lucky bastard landed in some bushes and survived!! So I yanked the fridge loose, shoved it over the balcony, and it landed directly on the bastard! But I'm afraid all that exertion gave me a heart attack, so here I am."
St. Peter decided that was a bad enough death and let him in, then proceeded to get the second guys story. The man looked quite confused.
"I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building. I work the night shift, so I wake up in the early afternoon. I had just woken up, and was doing my exercises on my balcony when I slipped. But thank God, I caught the railing on the balcony below mine. I was saved! There I was, hanging 25 floors above the ground, when suddenly this crazy man came out screaming. He stepped on my fingers, I held on. He bit my fingers, I held on still. But then the bastard grabbed a hammer! I couldn't handle that and I let go. Just as I expected to die, I landed in some bushes and lived!! It was a miracle! As I started to thank God for letting me live, this fridge just falls out of the sky and lands on me. So here I am."
St. Peter decided that was definitely a bad death and lets him in. Then he asks the last guy for his story, this man also looked confused.
"Picture this: I'm hiding naked inside a fridge..."
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