Cannibals

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued, "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But no, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man finishes the drink, the Bartender asks "how did you like it?" and the man in the red hat dismissively says, "I liked the gin."

The Bartender is miffed that that was the only thing the man had to comment on, so he makes a new drink. He drops a spoon of peanut butter into a glass, adds black pepper, squeezes a portion of mustard, and splashes in some tap water to mix them together. Then he adds the gin and places it in front of the man. The man finishes the yellow-brown cloudy mess and the Bartender snarks, "did you still enjoy your drink?" And the man in the red hat says, "well it had gin in it, didn't it?"

Now the Bartender is pissed. He takes some water from the sink of dirty plates, he squirts in some dish soap too for good measure. He blends it together with some banana peels and chicken bones he found in the garbage, and puts the goo into a glass. Then he looks out the front of the bar and spots a dog shit sitting on the grass right outside the door. He walks out and scoops a tablespoonful of the dog shit. The Bartender then places the glass of goo in front of the man, looks him dead in the eye as he dumps the dog turd in, and carefully adds three drops of gin.

The man looks in horror at the dark sludge. He picks up the glass and drinks it with a visual grimace, then swallows.

The Bartender explodes, "I can't believe this, how did you train yourself to swallow literal dog shit just because it has a little bit of something you like?"

"Well you see," the man says as he places down the glass, "I'm a pro life Republican"

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but still nothing happened. I'd run out of ideas, when a guy with a mustache came around the corner shouting something like 'Fondle her b**bs!' So I did that, and sure enough, somehow or other, that woke you up."

"That's very sweet of you," says the woman, "but that guy could have just told you quietly instead of shouting it out where children can hear it."

"I was just thinking that," says the man. "Let's go talk to him."

The two of them walk around the park, trying to find the mustached man.

"There he is," the man says at last. "Go tell him he shouldn't shout out things like that in public."

The woman is about to give the mustached man a piece of her mind, when the mustached man shouts...

"RUBBER BALLOONS! RUBBER BALLOONS!"

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If we went camping and you woke up with a sore asshole, would you tell anyone?

No?

Want to go camping?

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How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?

Place a "Welcome to California" sign on every road leading out of Texas. They'll turn right around.

Edit: Hey, hey, hey. If you don't like the joke, downvote ME. Leave my commenters alone!

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A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.

A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.

The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.

As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"

He replied "yes, I have only had water."

The officer says "that's a lie, I can smell wine on your breath"

The priest looks to the sky and says "You did it again, lord!"

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

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