TO MAKE MERICA GRATE AGAIN
Chủ Nhật, 15 tháng 4, 2018
A family had invited the daughter's boyfriend to dinner for the first time
While preparing the dinner, they begin discussing who will do the dishes afterwards.
"It's my salary you're living on, I do not want to do the dishes," says the father in the family.
"I did it last monday," said the girl.
And mom replied, "I'm the one who cooks the food!"
It's quiet in the kitchen for a while, until mom gets an idea: "I know how we'll do. The first one to talk does the dishes"
A quarter passes in absolute silence before hearing the daughter's boyfriend arrive on his bicycle. He has an old bike that makes a squeaking noise every time he hits the pedal. When he arrives, he parks his bike and walks in.
"Good evening!" The boyfriend's greetings are met with total silence. A little surprised, he sits next to the girl at the table. The father goes out to the kitchen, fetches the soup and serves it under silence.
"Great soup." Says the boyfriend. No answer.
Whatever he says during the meal there is no one who answers. At this point, the boyfriend begins to panic and decides to do something drastically to get the family's attention. "Oops!" He says loudly and puts his hand on the girl's thighs. No reaction.
He touches her breasts. Still no reaction.
This is insane. "What should I do?" Thought the boyfriend. He then decides to have sex with his girlfriend in front of her parents. He bends her over the table and lifts her skirt up and starts having sex.
When he is done, the girl sits down quietly and continues to eat without saying a word.
"I can't believe this. You are a bunch of fools! At least say that I have to marry her!" Screams the boyfriend desperately. He storms out of the house and walks away. While his bike still makes that awful squeaking sound.
Couic, couic, couic.
"This is crazy!" He says to himself.
Couic, couic.
"I had sex with their daughter on the table and they said nothing!"
Couic, couic.
"I probably could've had sex with the mother too, they would not have said anything either!"
Couic, couic.
He turns around and walks back. He opens the door, walks up to the mother, bends her over the table, lifts her dress up and has sex with her. When he's finished, he's thanking and leaving. Still met by a wall of silence.
Couic, couic.
"What a family." He says to himself.
Couic, couic.
"What a damn evening!"
Couic, couic, couic.
"AND THIS GODDAMN BIKE ISN'T MAKING THINGS BETTER!"
Couic, couic.
"I can't stand this anymore! I have to do something, this squeaking is driving me crazy!"
He returns to the family, opens the door and screams, "Do you have any lubricants?"
The dad gets up, "Alright alright! I'll do the damn dishes"
Thứ Bảy, 14 tháng 4, 2018
A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.
"Dear Ronald J. Kse, This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide. Thanks, your neighbors" Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year. After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up. "That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years" said Ron.
Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow. After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail.
"Dear Mr. Kse, After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."
Ron sighs, but thinks "Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries." Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited...
The cleanup was far worse this year. "But," Ron thought, "there's no way I'll get it three years in a row." Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy.
She exclaimed "Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"
"No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..." said R. Joe Kse
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...
"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."
The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"
The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
The daughter laughs and asks, "A Christmas tree?"
The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
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