Funny Story

FunnyStory about animals and all around the world

Funny Video

Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)

Funny Picture

Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)

Funny Game

Play game and comfortable :)

Funny Funny

Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.

Thứ Hai, 31 tháng 8, 2020

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

A farmer bought a cock to service his hens.

A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one.

When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die"

The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees.

"I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around"

The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead

The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"

A completely naked woman ran into a cab. The driver looked behind and stared at the woman. The woman asked, “What, you’ve never seen a naked lady before?”

The driver said, “I have, I’m just trying to figure out where you have my money”

I once woke up in the middle of an operation.

“Doctor, thank goodness you’re awake! The patient is dying!” My fellow surgeons told me.

What do we call smart people in the US?

Tourists.

A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seems a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men ask him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man pulls down his pants and one of the other locals yells:

-What are you doing!?

-Aren't we...you know? Going to do the donkey thing?

-We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women.

Grapes don't cry when they're crushed

But they do wine

Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces."

Jesus replies, "Yeah, Mo. But that was a long time ago. You think you still got what it takes?"

Moses indignantly rises to his feet. "Watch this!". He holds his fishing pole across the river....and the water parts!

Moses hops down onto the riverbed, and struts toward the far bank. Once there, he plucks out a blade of grass, and tucks it in his cheek, before sauntering back to where Jesus waits. He climbs up on the bank, turns back toward the river, make a gesture with his hands, and the water comes back together.

Jesus says, "Mo, that was pretty impressive...but I'll have you know as a younger man I used to walk on water."

Moses smiles, and makes a sweeping gesture towards the river.

Jesus walks to the edge, looks at the water, and it flattens out like a sheet of glass. He hops down onto the surface and begins to stride across the river.

He gets about ¼ of the way across, and the water is up over his ankles. He gets ½ way across, and the water is approaching his knees. Jesus realizes that he's not going to make it to the far bank and back, so he turns around, and hustles back to where he started.

By the time he gets there, the water is waist-high. Moses hauls him out of the river, laughing.

Jesus scowls, wringing out his robe, and says, "Give me a break, man. That's before I had these damn holes in my feet."

The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!

All I wanted was the one night stand.

You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round...

It’s fucked

I went to see the doctor about my crippling fear of palindromes.

Bastard put me on Xanax!

I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons.

I drink it for other reasons.

Why were the ants unaffected by the covid virus?

They have lil anty bodies.

A blonde, a brunette, and a ginger,

All three girls die at the same time and at the staircase to heaven the angel says "okay on every step is a joke and if you can go up all 1000 steps you will go to heaven but if you laugh you will go down to hell."

So the brunette says "sounds easy" but when she makes it's to the 100th step she laughs and gets sent to hell.

The ginger makes it to about step 300 and giggles so she also gets sent straight to hell.

Now the blonde gets all the way up to the 999th step and all of a sudden just burst out laughing so the angel goes up to her and asked "what? Why would you laugh you were so close to heaven?"

And so she says "I just got the joke from the first step!"

This is a joke my friend told me a long time ago so it's a little off but I thaught it would be good to post it here. Have a good day.

Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 8, 2020

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall...

I was sitting in a bathroom stall "doing my business", when suddenly the guy in the neighbour stall started: "Hey man, how are you doing?".

A little confused I replied: "Ehm good, I guess."

To my surprise the guy continued with: "What ya doin'?"

Despite being even more confused I manage to mumble: "Oh. Ehm. I guess the same as you."

Without any hesitation in his voice he said: "Cool. Do you want me to come over and help you out?"

A bit scared, I replied as firmly as I could: "Hey man, I really appreciate the offer and all, but I am not into that kinda stuff and doing all fine here and......"

And before I could finish my sentence the guy said: "Hang on a minute John, there is this weird guy in the neighbour stall, who is replying to eveything I say."

After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walked out again she said: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

Two older couples were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

Old man 2: What's its name?

Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

Old man 2: Carnation?

Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

Old man 2: Rose?

Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

A general approaches hitler

“Sir, our mining operations are overwhelmed, we aren’t able to ship what we produce. We are simply producing far too many tons of ores!

Hitler responds: “Just mine less”

A grammar nazi interjects: “Mine fewer”

I researched about LGBT on internet today

Just couldn't get a straight answer.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 17k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

A woman asked why her husband had been coming up with so many silly dad jokes recently.

He admitted to her that, since they had kids, their sex life had grown a bit stale.

Laughing, she grabbed a peach from the kitchen counter and pulled him toward her.

Slowly, seductively, she ate it while staring into his eyes, sucking the last of the pulp from the pit.

Then, while he stared on in disbelief, she used the pit to masturbate to completion, moaning all the while as she longingly stared at him.

When she finished, she gently beckoned him with her finger. He stood over her, slack-jawed, as she leaned back on the counter.

"So, what do you think about that, Mr. Dad Jokes?" she said with a smirk.

He grinned. "That...was mother fucking hard core."

The clitoris has nearly 8000 nerve endings.

And it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

Contagious

Little Johnnie was going back to school after the covid lockdown. First day of school, teacher wanted to talk about how contagious Covid-19 is so she wanted to do a class participation with her students and they had to come up with an example of the word "contagious".

"Class, can anyone here give me an example of the word contagious?" Little Johnnie puts up his hand but the teacher knows better not to ask him so she sees little Susie put up her hand.

Teacher: "Yes Susie, what is your example?" Susie: "If you are closer than 6 feet of someone who is contagious with Covid-19, there's a good chance you to can catch it." Teacher: "Excellent example Susie. Anyone else?"

She sees once again Little Johnnie put up his hand and the teacher really doesn't want to pick him but to her amazement, no one else had their hands up so she had no choice but to pick him.

Teacher: "Ok Johnnie, what is your example?" Little Johnnie: "The other day my dad and I were at the front of our house watching 92 year old Ms. Hollstein mowing her large lawn. My dad mumbled to himself 'its gonna take that cunt ages to finish cutting all that grass.'"

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: Well, you can file an appeal. Here write it on this paper, but it has to be in Russian.

Tourist: But I dont know any Russian!

Cop: Not my problem.

The tourist takes the piece of paper and starts pacing around the car. In desperation, he takes a $50 bill out of his wallet, wraps it in the paper and hands it to the cop.

Cop: I see you already wrote half of the appeal! And you said you didn't know any Russian!

My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends..

I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.

I have a friend who is transgender.

He used to be a total dick but now she’s a cunt

All countries eventually got Coronavirus...

But China got it right off the bat

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother, “she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 8, 2020

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

V

V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?

Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

Girl: Come over

Guy: I'm coming over

Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside the bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

I'm happy to announce that I've been sober for 40 days!

Not in a row or anything. Just total.

Hear about the gay midget?

Finally came out of the cupboard.

When you die, which part of your body is the last to go?

Your pupils. They dilate.

My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows

President Trump just banned shredded cheeses.

He wants to Make America Grate Again

The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

Why haven't aliens come to our solar system yet?

They read the reviews,

One star

"Yoda, are you sure we're headed in the right direction?"

"Off course we are"

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 8, 2020

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

you get them VERY ANGRY

An Arab student emails his dad:

An Arab student emails his dad:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the crocodiles are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. 

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks. 

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Because when he asked them their favorite composer, they said Bach Bach bach

I never wanted to believe that my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and hands the man an apple.

“What’s this? I asked for a Jack and Coke?”

The bartender just smirks and says, “take a bite.”

The man reluctantly takes a bite of the apple. His eyes widen and says, “Oh my God, this tastes like Jack!”

The bartender then says, “turn it around”.

The man takes a bite of the other side of the apple and says “Oh my God, this tastes like Coke!”

A second man sitting across the bar watches this whole exchange and jokes to the bartender, “Hey bartender! Get me some pussy!”

The bartender once again reaches behind the bar and hands the second man an apple.

The second man confused, takes the apple and looks at the bartender who smirks and says, “take a bite”.

The second man reluctantly takes a bite of the apple, spits it out and says, “Oh my God! This tastes like shit!”

The bartender smirks and says “turn it around.”

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"

I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing..."Psst...come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit...that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty."

Mouths are the new boobs.

Only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 8, 2020

What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?

The CIEIO

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...”

The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says “yes...”

The boss looks into the employees eyes and says “then maybe... I’ll have another one next year.”

Cake joke for my cake day!

Was at a wedding today and it was so beautiful everyone started crying.

Even the cake was in tiers.

An original joke from my 7 year old daughter

Did you hear the joke about the piece of paper?

Don’t worry about it, it’s tearable!

{I’m sure someone in history has used this pun, but I was pretty impressed with her effort!}

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?!  She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!  Have you, Suzie?”

Suzie says, “No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.

A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”

The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

Please donate to atheism.org

Don’t worry, it’s a non-prophet organisation.

My friend didn’t believe me that Slash was in AC/DC

C’mon he is right there in the middle

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon will cure it.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket

You can hide but you can’t run

So the Pope arrives at heavens gate

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

Hitler goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks:

"When will I die?"

The fortune teller says:

"You will die on a Jewish holiday."

The dictator suddenly becomes very puzzled, and asks:

"How do you know that I will die on a Jewish holiday?"

"Because my friend...", replied the fortune teller,

"... any day that you die will be obviously be a Jewish holiday."

A guy enters a bar with a gun

A guy enters a bar with a gun and shouts "who slept with my wife?". Everybody stays silent. The guy repeats louder "who the fu*k slept with my wife?". Suddenly someone from other side of the bar answers "you don't have enough bullets"

Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 8, 2020

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same result."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let a tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still couldn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid himself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snugly and fell sound asleep.

When his mum woke up she was furious! "Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted.

"I am so disappointed in you! Not only have you let me down and your father down, you've let yourself down too!"

A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy...

I told her I was more into anal and feet. Now I’m banned from KFC.

What comes after death?

A Necrophiliac

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t really interested. She turns away as if to take a nap. The lawyer says “okay okay okay, how about this. If I ask you a question and you get it wrong, you give me $5. But if you ask a question and I get it wrong, I’ll give you $100,00.”

Obviously now the blonde is interested, so she decides to play. The lawyer asks his question first. “What’s the distance between the Earth and the Moon?” Well, the blonde doesn’t know. So she hands the lawyer $5.

Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer “what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The lawyer is stumped. What could possibly go up a hill with three legs and come down with four? He begins to sweat. He starts asking other passengers. He pays for the in-flight internet to email his lawyer friends. Nobody knows. Nobody can help him.

Reluctantly, he writes a $100,00 check to the blonde. She smirks, takes his check, pockets it, and turns over, again wishing to get back to her nap.

The lawyer shakes her. “Hey wait,” he said. “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The blonde hands him $5.

A blind man walks into a bar.

He sits down, and orders a drink. After a little while he speaks up, “Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?”

A hush falls across the bar. The woman to his left responds,

“you’re blind, so it’s only far that you know this. The bartender is a 30 year old blonde woman. The woman to your right is a blonde alligator wrestler. I am a blonde professional wrestler. The woman next to me is a blonde cop. Are you sure you still want to say that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a bit, but then he responds,

“Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it four fucking times!”

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin!

For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages....

Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

That dead idiot had a twin brother.

To the person who hacked into my account,

I will find you.

Edit: no you won’t

What’s the difference between a bullet and a police officer.

When a bullet kills someone, you know it’s been fired.

What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ?

A teapot.

Two straight couples and a gay couple are having a party on a boat, when the boat sinks and they all drown.

Two straight couples and a gay couple are having a party on a boat, when the boat sinks and they all drown. They all arrive at heaven’s gates together, and line up in front of St. Peter. The first straight couple approaches and asks, “Can we get into heaven?” St. Peter checks his book, and grimly replies: “No. You loved money so much, that you married a woman named Penny.” With that, he banishes them to hell. The second straight couple goes next, with the same question... “can we get into heaven?” Once again, St. Peter shakes his head: “No. You loved sweets so much, that you married a woman named Candy.” Again, he banishes them to hell. At this point one of the gay men nervously turns to his partner and whispers: “I gotta say.. this doesn’t look good, Dick.”

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I forgive freely, and I pray continually However, I know I am a sinner at heart, and I deserve to burn in hell like the rest of us."

The atheist replies, "Don't worry, that's probably bullshit. There is nothing waiting for us after death, only the void and nothingness. That's why I try to live my life to the fullest."

The two of them ask the monk, who had been silent up to that point, what he believed. The monk started, "Well, I certainly won't be seeing the afterlife anytime soon. I have lived a bad life, however, I am trying to earn enough good karma to reincarnate into a better life. If I earn enough good karma, then maybe I can eventually go to the afterlife."

"Well how are you supposed to do that?" asked the atheist.

Just then, the group is interrupted by the waitress with their meals. For the priest, there is a meal of bread and wine. For the atheist, a hearty plate of ribs sits in front of him. For the monk, there is nothing but a slice of cake on his plate.

In response to two puzzled looks, the monk quickly says, "There's no easier way to earn karma than to have a cake day."

Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad pops, sorry.. shuts the door

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the kitchen!

Our pot head rushes to the kitchen, opens the door and sees the same thing, his father is sitting there and reading a newspaper.

Uhm... sorry pops... *shuts the door *

Shit, he is fast.... Then I am going to hide in the balcony!!

Rushes to the balcony, opens the door and the same thing... dad sitting there with the newspaper... but before he gets to apologize his pops goes

Son, you open the bathroom door one more time, I am gonna come out and beat the shit out of you.

I did my best to translate this joke from Armenian to English. Sorry for my bad grammar.

Once, my parents walked in on me masturbating

Why they were walking around masturbating is beyond me.

Jane asking Tarzan about his sex life

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?

"Check for squirrel." he responds

Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 8, 2020

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put these silly notions out of his head.

The son doesn't give up though, every meal he begs his parents: "What about a cucumber?" "How about a little lima bean?"

Eventually the parents get sick of it and relent a little bit. His father tells him: "Fine! You can have a couple of peas with you dinner. BUT you have to eat all your roadkill first."

The young vulture pleads "But daaaaddd"

The father says: "NO! - Carrion my wayward son, there'll be peas when you are done."

Then he plays a sick keyboard solo.

A crusty old man walks into a bank

& says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The woman leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that woman does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window & the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery & I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank." "Oh...I see," says the manager, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time sir...?"

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water

and I was like "well, damn"

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

Last guy chuckles, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”

A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says: - Yo, gimme something new, something strong! - Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark". - Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead. - Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at home and tells his dad: - Eyy, pops! I'm going out to the balcony for some fresh air.

His dad approved, he gets at the balcony, prepares a joint with the product, and starts smoking.

  • Maaaan, this is really some good shit! and suddenly, he sees light, dark. Light, dark. Light, dark.

The next day he goes to the dealer and says: - Yo, dude, you were right! This really is some good stuff, gimme some more! - Told you man! Here you go. Our pothead arrives at home and tells his dad: - Eyy, pops! I'm going out to the balcony for some fresh air. - Are you going to be staying there for 3 days again, son?

Yo mama so ugly

Yo momma so ugly the whole world faked a virus and ruined the economy just to make her wear a mask

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches

"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice.

"I'm so sorry, my father has been learning English. He won't be making it into work today because he's feeling sick."

"Oh! That's perfectly fine, but...what was the part about rubbing...storm balls...?"

The kid laughed. "We were working on popular English idioms this week. He was trying to say he's feeling under the weather."

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Al would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Ben would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Carl would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.

They started to climb the stairs, and Al started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Ben and Carl were laughing hysterically.

Then Ben started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Al and Carl were hugging each other in fear.

Then Carl started to tell sad stories. "I'll tell my saddest story of all first," he said. "There once was a man named Carl who left his hotel room key in the car..."

Why do golf announcers whisper?

Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.

me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

[100 years ago...]

witch: fuck this house

So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 8, 2020

Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

What does a liar do after he dies?

He lies still.

The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated room. He tried open the door, but it wouldn't budge. He tried to peer through the keyhole, but couldn't see anything either. Disappointed, he went back to bed.

The next morning, he asked the abbot what the sound was. The abbot said: "I would love to tell you what it is, but you'd have to become a monk first. It's a long and arduous process, so you have to be really dedicated." The man declined, and went on his way. Yet, the curiosity stayed with him. He traveled the world, and nowhere did he find anything as mesmerizing as the sound. Each night in his sleep he could hear the sound again. At long last, he decided to return to the monastery and become a monk.

"To become a monk," said the abbot, "you have to finish three tasks, each one of which will test one of your qualities. The first one is patience. You have to sit in the garden and wait until the Brown Flutterer lands on your head. But beware! The Brown Flutterer is the shyest of all butterflies."

So the man went into the garden and sat there for days on end. He braved hunger and cold, heat and illness. He sat there unmovingly, not even blinking, waiting for the Brown Flutterer. The only reason he stayed sane was by focusing on his goal: uncovering the source of the magical sound that had nested in his brain. A few times, the Brown Flutterer entered the garden, but even the slightest hint of excitement would scare it off again. Then finally, after a few months, only when the man had complete mastery of his body and mind, did the Brown Flutterer land on his head. He returned to the abbot and reported it to him.

The abbot said: "Great, you are now ready for the next test. This one will test your perserverance. You will have to go to The Island at the End of the World and find the Golden Orb." So the man set out to find the Golden Orb. First, he traveled to New Zealand. From there on out, he took a boat to a barely known island in the Pacific. Then he rented a small sloop and went looking for The Island at the End of the World. It was only a few weeks before he found it. While there, he systematically searched the island. He inched his way through the Impassible Ravine, he dogded horrible wild beasts in the Jungle of Terror and he felt his way through the pitch black of the Dark Caves until finally, somewhere on Mount Snow, he found the gold orb. He retraced his steps and went back to the monastery.

"Incredible," said the abbot, "and now you can begin with the third and last test. This one will test your balance. You must cross the Gorge Without Bottom blindfolded, on a rope and one-legged." The man immediately started training. He stood on one leg for days on end, he walked on a rope for miles and he walked around blindfolded until he was able to find his way without problem. Then he combined these skills: he hopped around blindfolded, he crossed every rope on one leg and he felt his way across any rope without seeing. Then, when he finally mastered the skills, he crossed the rope over the Gorge Without Bottom.

He went back to the monastery and told the abbot. The abbot cheered and said: "You are the first person in twenty years to complete the three tasks. At last, you are ready to see the source of the sound. Come with me." They went to the basement and there the abbot took out a stained golden key, hanging by a chord from his neck. He put it in the lock, and the doors swung open, and there it was: the source of the sound.

I would love to tell you what it is, but you'd have to become a monk first.

What's the difference between a hippo, a zippo, and a stick of glue?

One is a heavy mammal and one is a little lighter.

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker", says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.

If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country

If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.

This is not a political post. I just want to travel.

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers

Genie: Done, you have no more wishes

Me: But you said 3

Genie: Sue me.

A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's left foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.

After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest. She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.

"Hello. I'm sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated--"

"AH! You're Mary's daughter?" the man says, blocking the door slightly. "Yes, yes, she was a magnificent woman!"

"Yeah, well, in her dying wishes, it was noted that you requested photos of her left foot," she says, pulling out a photo packet. "These are the correct pictures. We sent you reversed photos of her right."

"Oh, excellent!" the man says, carefully taking the pictures. "Thank you so, so much. She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory--"

The woman puts her hand up. "What's that sound...?"

Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room. There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother's left foot...and a room full of people masturbating.

Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THERE?!"

"Look," he says. "I think we got off on the wrong foot here."

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be great, Bob!" gushes Larry the cucumber.

The bartender serves drinks to the two of them, and sure enough, they both turn human!

"Look at me, Bob!" exclaims Larry the ex-cucumber. "I'm human!"

"That's very nice, Larry," says Bob the ex-tomato, "but do be careful!"

Larry happily prances out the door. He is so excited about being human, he forgets to look both ways before crossing the street, and he is hit by a car and turned back into a cucumber.

Bob rushes outside to save his friend, but he too forgets to look both ways, is hit by a car, and turns back into a tomato.

The bartender rushes outside and calls an ambulance.

"Are they still alive?" asks the dispatcher.

"They are," says the bartender, "but I'm worried that they will be vegetables for the rest of there lives."

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives?

America

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

They get really upset.

I just bought a dog from a blacksmith

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

A husband is doing crosswords with his wife.

Husband: Emphatic no; five letters.

Wife: Never.

H: Pistol; three letters.

W: Gun.

H: Disgust; three letters.

W: Ugh.

H: Charity; four letters.

W: Give.

H: Female sheep; three letters.

W: Ewe.

H: Pixar movie; two letters.

W: Up.

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

Chủ Nhật, 23 tháng 8, 2020

A guy walks into a bar

in New Orleans. “I’ll have a Corona and two Hurricanes”. “That’ll be $20.20” says the bartender.

Husband and wife agreed that whenever they talked about having sex in front of kids they will use a word "type"

One day when everybody was at the table, husband asks: "hey wife, do you want to type today?", wife replies: "im out of 'red' ink". Few days later, man asks the youngest: "go ask your mum if she wanted to type and if she has the red ink now". Youngest returns: "mum says, she still out of red and she couldnt today". Few days later mum says to the youngest: "go tell your dad that i now have the red and today we could type". Youngest runs to the dad and tells him what she said and the guy replies: "too late, i've already written it by hand"

Grandpa and Grandson are on the porch (Long)

Grandpa and grandson are on the porch. The grandpa is smoking a cigar. The grandson asks “ Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?”

Grandpa replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

The grandson is confused but replies “No.”

“Well then you can’t have a puff!”

The next day, Grandpa and Grandson are on the porch. This time the Grandpa is drinking a beer. The grandson asks “Can I have a sip of your beer?”

Grandpa replies “Does your dick touch your asshole?”

Grandson “No.”

“Then you can’t have a sip!”

The third day, both are on the porch again. This time the grandson is eating an ice cream cone. The grandpa asks “Oh can I have a lick of your ice cream?”

The grandson replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

Grandpa proudly affirms “Why yes! Yes it does!”

Grandson: “Then go and fuck yourself!”

The end.

Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"

Dad: " You know you can do better."

Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."

Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

My girlfriend says if I get 1000 upvotes we can try anal. Please don't upvote guys..

... sexual experiences should come from a curiosity or desire to try something new and exciting and being peer pressured into a sexual act can cause trauma that can take years to heal.

Also her strap-on is enormous.

A very tall man walks into a bar

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE. 'What's that ?' the lady questions again. "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute.

My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.

When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, “Dale, it’s great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?”

Boss: Why do you-

Me: sshhh

Boss: What is your biggest wea-

Me: sshhh

Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.

Where do cow farts come from?

The dairy air.

My grandad always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Lovely man, Terrible cabinet maker.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in ‘u-n-t’ that refers to a woman?”

“Oh my god!” the man thought. I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘Aunt’.”

“Oh, of course!” the Pope exclaims. “Do you have an eraser?”

Son : Dad, how do I catch fish?

Dad : Just throw this clickbait into the water

Son : And then what?

Dad : What happens next will shock you

English puns make me numb.

But Math puns make me number.

Two marble statues of a man an a woman facing each other stand in an old park for centuries.

God looks at them from the above. He feels sorry for them – they're looking at each other all those centuries and yet couldn't do anything more since they're made from marble – so one night, when nobody's around to see, he turns them into living couple and says:

"Okay. I made you alive and I'm letting you do whatever you feel like doing – for ten minutes. After that, I'm turning you back to marble statues!"

Delighted and giggling, the now alive couple quickly dashes to the nearest bushes. Moans and orgasmic noises can be heard. Ten minutes pass and they come out of the bushes all messy, but also smiling, relieved, and satisfied.

Looking at them all smiling, God feels sorry for them again and says:

"Okay, okay, you have another ten minutes!"

While the couple runs back towards the bushes, one turns towards the other and says:

"This time YOU're holding the pigeon and I'm shitting on it!"

If the mantises are always praying, what is their religion?

It varies, they're all in sects.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.

Thứ Bảy, 22 tháng 8, 2020

Earlier I was beaten up by a woman.

I was on an elevator and she entered. She has big boobs and I was staring at them when she said "Can you please press one".

So I did.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!

The year is 2018 and I don't jog. The year is 2019 and I don't jog. The year is 2020 and I still don't jog.

This is a running joke.

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”> NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it's already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y’know, one would have been enough.

Guy runs into a bar and yells

"Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard "What's the matter with you!?" The lizard explains that he was up in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The monkey looks down and says "OMG! DUUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You.”

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..

And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

"Oh, really! What'd he say?”

He said: "Who screwed up your hair?

Why are there two "d"s in reddit?

The second one's a repost

A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second problem. you wanna solve everything with violence.

They gets outside of the bar and Turks starts taking their knives out

Russian: that's your third problem. you bring knives to a gunfight.

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 8, 2020

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was your doctor."

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.

“A Dalmatian?”

“Yes, they’re using them now.”

The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.

“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.

“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

r/Jokes Has 19 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)

Just add the NSFW tag

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop.” “You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.” Tom got a horrified look on his face. “She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?” He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Tom replied: “I wasn’t.”

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.

He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks.

The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have just hired her!

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.

"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am."

Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders.

"Now, witness the strength of Russia."

He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed.

"And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?"

Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh... wife would never forgive me."

Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!"

The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh... no, no thank you, sir."

This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump.

"Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!"

"I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."

A woman was having an affair.

One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

Woman: 'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window'.

BF: It's raining out there!'

Woman: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of the window! As he ran down the street in rain, he discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's marathon. He started running alongwith the others, 300 of them.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?' one asked".

'Oh yes!' he replied. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner: 'Do you always run carrying clothes under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' BF answered. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and go home!'

3rd runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

Thứ Năm, 20 tháng 8, 2020

I saw a girl crying...

So I asked her where were her parents.

She started crying even louder. Man I love working at the orphanage.

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?

Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2025, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the worker class. We're here to spend that money to take care of you, the people. And your baby brother in bed, the future."

So the little boy goes off to bed and later hears his baby brother crying, he gets up to check on him and finds that he severely soiled his diaper. So the boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeps in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy goes to school. When teacher askes if anyone got the answer to the homework he raises hand, "Democracy is, while Capitalists are screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

I am selling my username.

It’s just under a buck.

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, “We have naan at this restaurant.” The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.

The waiter replied, impatiently, “Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.”

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church "

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

blondes vs brunette

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

"Whats going on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!"

"Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!"

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

My dick is bigger in Texas too

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Science gives us great things like skyscrapers and aeroplanes...

...and religion brings them together!

Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

Why did I get divorced?

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 8, 2020

A Boob, a Vagina and an Asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three of them.

Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the

opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest.

Vagina: That's nothing.

I give birth to babies, and can accommodate the opposite sex.

That's why I'm the greatest.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak.

I bought my nephew a puppy.

But it was hit by a car and died, so now I'm stuck with a fucking puppy.

What’s the difference between Hitler and Jake Paul?

Hitler knew when to kill himself

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's a coincidence...

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said, "Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further." The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get that shit again."

if i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds

I know it's only three words, but it's a start.

My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation."

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

6:30 is my favorite time of the day.

Hands down.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”, she asks.

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

My wife said "you arent even listening to me are you"

That's a weird way to start a conversation

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle

If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces

Mountains aren’t just funny

They’re hill-areas :D

Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 8, 2020

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?" Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair" Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that" Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the chemist's wife. "Oh, that's different. I didnt realise you had a prescription"

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head...

*After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an deserted island."

He continued, "after several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes."

"My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her."

To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you."

"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days."

The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man...and what is your final wish?"

"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you."

The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work."

Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"*

My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said" I fucked your mom"

to which the son replied" I have been deeper inside her than you'll ever be"

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?

He kept watering the vegetables.

Roses are Red, Reposters are lame,

[This post has been removed due to a copyright claim.]

‌‌My L‌‌esbian neighbours Jane a‌‌nd Caroline a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌ecently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌ere desperate to have a baby.

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up with her head bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she yells "TORNADO!" As the soldiers duck for cover, she scales the wall of the prison and escapes to freedom.

The redhead is next. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she yells "EARTHQUAKE!" As the soldiers duck for cover, she scales the wall of the prison and escapes to freedom.

Last is the blonde. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she yells "FIRE!"

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, my other dad talked him out of it

Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 8, 2020

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

Why is nostalgia like grammar?

We find the present tense and the past perfect

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.

Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a hell-hole, so it's a local call."

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

Tell me what happened son

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

So you got a little too excited and cursed?

No, that's not all of it. Right after the ball stopped, a squirrel ran out, grabbed my ball and bolted back for the trees.

Ah, I see. So you got angry at the squirrel

No, there's more. Before the squirrel could get to the trees, a huge hawk swooped down, picked up the squirrel and flew off with it.

Ok, that has to be it right? You got angry at the hawk?

Nope... right as the hawk got over the green, the squirrel shook itself loose. When it hit the ground, it dropped the ball which rolled across the green and stopped 10 inches from the cup.

You missed the god damn putt didn't you?