Because of all the coffin.
Thứ Bảy, 31 tháng 10, 2020
Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.
On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.
The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment while knowing that no one will ever beat the challenge, said the winner can get a million pounds of gold. When no one looked motivated, the king confidently said he would surrender his throne to the winner.
When the king declared the start of the challenge, no one crossed the river. Everyone stared at the river and at each other, scared. Suddenly, a splash of water was heard. The king and the participants turned their heads to see a man running across the river at lightning speed, hopping off the backs of the crocodiles swiftly and treading across the water so fast it looked like he was walking.
The king headed to the other bank of the river to see the man on the ground, exhausted but alive. Unwilling to surrender his powers, the king said "I'll give you two million pounds of gold."
"I don't want that." the man replied, gasping for air.
"I can't give you my throne, but you can be one of my closest ministers." the king offered.
"I don't want that." the man replied.
"So you want my throne?" the king asked.
"I don't want that."
"Then what do you want?" the king asked, frustrated.
"I want to know who the hell pushed me!"
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.
"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.
So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.
My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers.
How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday.
He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense.
"Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake."
"Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk."
The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad.
The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost.
The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked,
"Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!"
The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."
Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
The Red Indian with one testicle
There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years & years of torment,Onestone finally cracked and said,
'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill him!'
The word got around and nobody called him that anymore.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name
Until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
A nun is walking to church.
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, "Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?"
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, "Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!"
The other nun looks down and says, "You're wearing the priest's shoes"
A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.
As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says “I think it’s raining.” “No, it is definitely snowing.” Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says “let’s not bicker, let’s ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining.” They walked up to their tour guide, and ask “Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining?” “It is raining of course!” He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says “See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!”
The "penguin"
A guy who's strapped for cash asks a prostitute what he can get for $10. She replies, "Well, for 10 bucks I'll give you a 'penguin.'" "Okay... Sure, I'll take it."
So she gets down on her knees, lowers his pants, and begins giving him a blowjob. But right before he is about to cum, she gets up and walks away. The guy is confused, and starts to waddle after her, with his pants still around his ankles. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!?"
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"
Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts
Everyone makes fun of them but when you are inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here".
Thứ Sáu, 30 tháng 10, 2020
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fucking business.”
A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins.
After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal.
18 years pass when the birth parents receive a package from Juan with a letter saying how grateful he is to them and with a ton of pictures of him and his life. This makes the birth mother inconsolably sad, her husband says “are you not happy? You always wondered what he looked like, whether he had my eyes or your nose and now you know” “I know and I’m really happy that I got to see the pictures but it makes me even sadder that I have no pictures of Amal.” To which the husband replies “they’re identical twins, if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal!”
Asian guy walks into a bar
He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer.
4 Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress...
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night, all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman : The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.
The mistress : Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman : I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came through the door and saw me, he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points!! Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Two doctor jokes
I went to the doctor the other day. He told me I could have a stroke at any time. It was nice of him to give me permission to masturbate like that!
I went to the doctor for a checkup the other day. The Doctor walked in looking at his clipboard and said "Well, it looks like you're gonna have to stop masturbating". I replied "Why? Is it a health risk?"
The doctor replied "No, but this is a doctor's office and it's very inappropriate."
Thứ Năm, 29 tháng 10, 2020
Me and my girlfriend went to visit her parents
She(whispering) : Don't tell my dad about us having sex. He will freak out about me getting pregnant.
Me : Don't worry , I got this.
Later-
Her Dad : Hey man , you comming inside?
Me(panicking): Whaaattttt NO , I would never...
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm...
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says.
"What sort of horse?" asks the owner.
"A female horth." The owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth," says the dwarf. "Can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up and shows him the eyes.
"Nithe eyth, can I thee her teeth?" The owner picks him up and shows the teeth.
"Nithe teeth. Now can I thee her twot?"
The owner picks him up and shoves him head deep inside the horses' vagina, then pulls him out.
The dwarf shakes his head and says "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I thee her wun awound!!"
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.
A cowboy walks into a bar and a man walks up to him and asks, "Are you a cowboy?"
The cowboy says to the man, "If you mean someone who ropes and wrangles cattle, wakes up when the rooster crows, and packs a six shooter, then yes I am a cowboy."
A few minutes later a woman approaches the cowboy and asks, "Are you a cowboy?" But before he can answer the woman says, "Well I am a lesbian. I love women, I am infatuated by how beautiful women are, and think about nothing but having sex with women. And that makes me a lesbian." Then the woman walks away.
Then a few minutes after that another person goes up to the cowboy and asks, "Are you a cowboy?"
The cowboy looks puzzled and responds, "I thought I was a cowboy, but it turns out I'm a lesbian."
I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”
Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got the right hole”
Apparently my family is racist
I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.
Thứ Tư, 28 tháng 10, 2020
A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.
A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.
After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.
The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I forgive freely, and I pray continually However, I know I am a sinner at heart, and I deserve to burn in hell like the rest of us."
The atheist replies, "Don't worry, that's probably bullshit. There is nothing waiting for us after death, only the void and nothingness. That's why I try to live my life to the fullest."
The two of them ask the monk, who had been silent up to that point, what he believed. The monk started, "Well, I certainly won't be seeing the afterlife anytime soon. I have lived a bad life, however, I am trying to earn enough good karma to reincarnate into a better life. If I earn enough good karma, then maybe I can eventually go to the afterlife."
"Well how are you supposed to do that?" asked the atheist.
Just then, the group is interrupted by the waitress with their meals. For the priest, there is a meal of bread and wine. For the atheist, a hearty plate of ribs sits in front of him. For the monk, there is nothing but a slice of cake on his plate.
In response to two puzzled looks, the monk quickly says, "There's no easier way to earn karma than to have a cake day."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3) I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As the left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.”
Thứ Ba, 27 tháng 10, 2020
People who don't understand the difference between...
People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she whispered. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you’re right."
Turn Around
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to consciousness, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”
The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say?”
The big dude looks down and repeats, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around’.”
A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm.
'What sort of horse?' said the owner.
'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf,
'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf,
'Can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?'
The owner, not sure if he heard correctly, replies 'Her what?' 'Twot, can I see her twot,' the dwarf says. The owner losing his patience picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina.
He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'
NSFW. A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone...
“I’m sorry, Sir, we’re out of chocolate.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then.”
“I’m sorry, Sir, but like I told you, we’re out of chocolate.”
“How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?”
“Let me ask you something. How do you spell the ‘van’ in ‘vanilla’?
“V-a-n.”
“OK! We’re on the same page! And how do you spell the ‘straw’ in ‘strawberry’?
“S-t-r-a-w.”
“Right, and lastly, how do you spell the ‘fuck’ in ‘chocolate’?
“There is no ‘fuck’ in ‘chocolate’.”
“THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!”
My new party trick...
I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together.
I shit you knot.
I had sex with my kid's teacher. I have to tell my wife...
...how much I appreciate her taking a break from homeschooling the kids for quick romp with me. The pandemic isn't all bad!
Thứ Hai, 26 tháng 10, 2020
Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...
There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!
Larry and Linda
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo. ”A tattoo?” She said angrily. “”What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick” “What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in rage; “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?” “Well, For one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out and shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want
Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”
One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.” “My false teeth are killing me.” “Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.” “Oh please do...” “Give me a day or two.” With this they parted. Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it. He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but “a little on the tight side.” Saying “Don’t worry, I’ll try again,” two days later he offered another set, but alas the reaction was “Much better, but rather on the loose side.” “Ah, I think I’ve got it! Let me try just once more.” Sure enough, two days later he handed over a set saying “I think these will really be just right.” Putting them in, the sufferer was astonished to find they really were a very good fit. “Thank you so much. These are just right. You must be a wonderful dentist to be able to get false teeth to fit so well just by looking at them!” Laughing modestly the man replied “Oh I’m not a dentist. I’m a funeral director.”
A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant
A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.
After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.
The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I forgive freely, and I pray continually However, I know I am a sinner at heart, and I deserve to burn in hell like the rest of us."
The atheist replies, "Don't worry, that's probably bullshit. There is nothing waiting for us after death, only the void and nothingness. That's why I try to live my life to the fullest."
The two of them ask the monk, who had been silent up to that point, what he believed. The monk started, "Well, I certainly won't be seeing the afterlife anytime soon. I have lived a bad life, however, I am trying to earn enough good karma to reincarnate into a better life. If I earn enough good karma, then maybe I can eventually go to the afterlife."
"Well how are you supposed to do that?" asked the atheist.
Just then, the group is interrupted by the waitress with their meals. For the priest, there is a meal of bread and wine. For the atheist, a hearty plate of ribs sits in front of him. For the monk, there is nothing but a slice of cake on his plate.
In response to two puzzled looks, the monk quickly says, "There's no easier way to earn karma than to have a cake day."
3 Ducks Walk into a Bar ...
“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.
“Huey,” was the reply.
“How’s your day been Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?” said Huey
“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”
“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked.
“Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”
“No,” she said batting her eyelashes,
“My name is Puddles.”
a five your old and his grandfather on a porch
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
My Wife was dying
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."
A solar panel, a wind turbine and a hydro dam are all getting to know each other.
‘What kind of music are you into?’ asks the dam. ‘I’m into trance’, replies the solar panel. ‘Ooh, too intense for me’, dam says, ‘I much prefer classical melodies, maybe a little 60s soul at the weekends.’ ‘What about you Mr Turbine? What are you into?’ ‘Me?’ He replies, ‘I’m a huge metal fan.’
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.
The next day, again.
On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!"
The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
There was an old man who lived by a forest
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Chủ Nhật, 25 tháng 10, 2020
My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"
After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"
I said, "In my ear."
Doctor my bottom hurts.
Doc: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"
P: "Right around the entrance."
Doc: "As long as you call it entrance it will hurt."
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
“That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan”
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.” The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?” The parrot responds, “Yes.” The thief couldn’t believe it. So, he asks another question. “What is your name?” “Ismael.” the parrot replies. The man scoffed. “What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?” The parrot speaks yet again, “The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”
Thứ Bảy, 24 tháng 10, 2020
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"
The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
A man was trapped under a bench press
A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"
A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.
The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building. "This second building is my church" he says "I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me". The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building. "Oh, that one" the man says. "That's the church I USED to go to".
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Irish Prostitute
An old man goes up to a prostitute in Dublin. He says “how much do you charge?”. She says “€150”. He replies “I’ve got no money, all I have is these two All Ireland Championship medals I won in the 60’s”. She says “that’ll do”, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening another old man approaches, “how much do you charge?” he asks. “€150” she says. “Are you any good?” he then asks. “Well I’ve two All Ireland Championship medals”
Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.
She came home in the morning, and her husband asked:”How much did you make?”
“$804” she said
“Which idiot gave you $4 ???” he asked
“Well... everyone...”
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”
Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.”
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Thứ Sáu, 23 tháng 10, 2020
Steve, a homosexual athlete goes to a job interview as an instructor at a newly opened gym.
Upon his arrival he can't help but notice the 'fitness course for Straight man only' sign out the door.
Confused and feeling offended he goes inside to ask for the manager. He comes out and says:
'Let me give you a tour of our gym and show you the idea how it works, then you will understand.'
The manager first takes Steve to a big playground where he points to a beautiful young lady and says:
'She is our basic level course instructor.'
A bell rings and the lady speaks to her trainees:
'Now I will start to run, if anyone can catch me you can have sex with me!'
Everyone in the playground stars to run like crazy and hoping to get a hold of the fine lady in front of them. But the lady runs really fast and no one succeeds before every one is exhausted.
And then the manager takes Steve to another playground where he finds an even more attractive young lady. The manager points to her and says:
''She is our advanced level course instructor.'
A bell rings and just like the former one, the lady speaks to her trainees:
'Now I will start to run, if anyone can catch me you can have sex with me!'
Although members of this course seem more in shape than the last one and run much faster, all of them fail to catch the instructor before they all run out of breath.
'Wow, I'm impressed!' Steve turns to the manager with a compliment,
'This is actually quite a brilliant idea! But I don't understand what is my job here?'
'You will be the instructor of my maximum level course!' replies the manager, 'and your line is here on this note.'
Steve opens the note and it reads:
'Now you will start to run, if I can catch anyone I will have sex with you!'
A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.
A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.
At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"
The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our hero days."
The Russian customs officer was a bit shamed and let him go without further inspection.
At Tel Aviv airport, the customs officer also asks our friend, "What is this?"
He replies, "What is this? Wrong question Sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, a bastard that made me, as a Jew leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."
The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologize Sir, you can go on."
In Israel, when he arrives at his new house, he puts the statue on a table.
To celebrate his immigration, he invite his friends and relatives to dinner.
One of his friends asks him, "Who is this?"
He replies, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this? This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without customs and tax."
Two Assholes
“Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yeh, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with two assholes!'
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
A woman packed her husband bags and kicked him out of the house...
As he walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," her husband replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
My wife and I are a perfect match.
For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.
Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.
Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"
Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."
Inmate : "I'm listening..."
Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sneak it to you. Then you tie the rope into one of those lassos you know how to make. Next time we're in the yard, we find something the rope can catch on over the fence, we toss the lasso, pull it tight, then climb to freedom!"
Inmate: "What the Hell are you talking about?"
Friend: "You know, kinda like a grappling hook."
Inmate: "No, I mean, that's really your fucking plan?!"
Friend: "Yeah, dude. I shit, you knot."
(I saw this punchline in another joke before, but I tried to think of a different setup)
One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.
The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole. "SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate. Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk. They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact. "Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.
Thứ Năm, 22 tháng 10, 2020
A Catholic bishop, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish Rabbi meet in a bar.
The three men sit next to each other and begin talking about life and the aspects of their various faiths. The town they all lived in was in a very heavily forrested area and after a couple of drinks the men have an idea.
Each man puts down a couple hundred bucks and they decide to have a competition. The first man to convert a bear to their religion will get the money. The men decide to meet back at the bar in two weeks.
Two weeks pass and the men return to the bar and the bishop has a cast on his arm. The other men asked what happened to him. The bishop replied "well I found a bear stratching itself against a tree. I tried to get a rosary around its neck but it bit me"
The minister has a cast on his leg and the other two men asked what happened to him. The minister said "Well I was down by the stream and I found a bear trying to catch samon so I tried to dunk its head in the water to Baptize him but he didn't like that and bit my leg"
Then they look to the Rabbi who is in a full body cast and they asked what happened to him and he replied "Well in hindsight I probably shouldn't have started with circumcision"
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge" she says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!
A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
A librarian was organizing her books when a man in a dark suit walked up.
"Hey, I'm Steven. I'll pay you $20000 if you show me your nipples tomorrow."
The librarian was shocked. $20000 was a solid 6 months of work. Dumbfounded, she nodded her head. Steven then left without a word of acknowledgement.
That night, the librarian had a lot trouble falling asleep.
The next day, the librarian was minding her own business, when Steven came through the front door. With him came another man that was carrying a large suitcase.
Steven came up, leaned over, and said, "Well?"
The librarian pulled up her shirt and bra in one fluid motion and proudly showcased her breasts. The other man gasped, then promptly fell to the floor. Steven picked up the man's suitcase, opened it, and pulled out a large wad of cash. He placed the cash in front of the librarian.
"What's up with him?", The librarian asked, looking at the unconscious man.
"I bet him $100000 that you would show me your boobs", said Steven.
A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.
They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.
Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel everyone can see that the Frenchman is rubbing his cheek twisted with pain. Since they couldn‘t see what exactly happened, there is nothing but awkward silence and everyone just makes up his own mind on the matter.
The nun thinks to herself: „Almighty! That lusty Frenchman saw his chance to inappropriately touch that blonde woman and consequently she slapped his face. May god forgive them both!“
The hot blonde thinks to herself: „Oh. My. Gawd. That French bastard must have tried to touch my t*ts but accidentally groped the nun because he couldn’t see. But it seems like she took the proper revenge! You go girl!“
The Frenchman thinks to himself: „Mon Dieu! That German bastard groped the blonde woman while it was dark and then she accidentally slapped ME for it!“
The German guy thinks: „Perfekt! In ze next tunnel I‘ll slap ze French guy again!“
Note: I realise that a joke like this has been posted before but in my opinion it was never told right / dragged out long enough. I also apologise for any mistakes, English is only my second language...
Thứ Tư, 21 tháng 10, 2020
Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!
I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”
Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
Last guy chuckles, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”
A guy starts working at a bakery
He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the supervisor has never seen or tasted, imaginatively designed and with a taste and texture beyond all praise or even description.
It's the same again the next day when the new guy comes in and looks at the rota: "Wow, wholemeal loaf day!". And sure enough, he puts the same verve and expertise into making wholemeal loaves as he did into dinner rolls the day before, and soon they are selling like something for which there ought to be a suitable simile when you're telling a story about a bakery.
On the Wednesday he takes one look at the words "Danish Pastry day" on the rota and immediately bursts into song, turning out tray after tray of beautifully formed and succulent Danish pastries, and on Thursday the excited shriek of "Doughnut day! Yes!!!" heralds an eight-hour shift of doughnuts that God Himself would forgive the sins of a whole world for.
But on Friday:
"I don't understand it," says the disappointed supervisor to the master baker. "It's his cake day and he's made barely any effort at all."
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless.
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: OH MY GOD.
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...
The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the man finds his keys and fumbles with the lock a while, and eventually gets into the car and cranks it. By the time he pulls onto the road, his is the last car in the parking lot and the cop hits the blue lights and pulls him over. He administers a breathalyzer test and can't believe the results: 0%.
"I don't understand" says the cop, "you were staggering around, losing your keys, crawling on the ground...explain yourself!"
"Simple", the man says, "I'm the designated decoy."
Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
Thứ Ba, 20 tháng 10, 2020
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator." "Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything." “Well my mother has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!".
An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.
Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.
"Mine bought a kitchen for $10.000 - and she cannot even cook!"
"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20.000 - and she cannot drive!"
"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"
Two Roman men are talking...
Roman guy 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with.
Roman guy 2: Mmm?
Roman guy 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.
The husband says to his wife
“I was talking to the mailman earlier, he said he’s banged with every woman on this street apart from one” The wife says, “I bet it’s Claire”
A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.
During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.
Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose your mother took it, do you?"
He said, "Well I doubt it, but l'll email her just to be sure! He sat down and wrote, Dear mom, After your visit me, the silver plate has been missing. "I'm not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I'm not saying that you don't take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Your son."
Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with her: but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love,
Mom"
Thứ Hai, 19 tháng 10, 2020
This young lad gets in the elevator, I'm standing by the buttons, so he says "fifth floor mate?"
When we get there I say "There you go, son" and he says "Don't call me son! You're not my dad!"
And I say "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.
He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?” Then women, quite shocked, obviously says no. The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The women still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the women still refuses. He finally makes his last offer: 1 billion dollars. The women, after hearing such a gigantic amount of money accepts to let the man bite her boob. They go into a small dark street and the women takes her top off. The man plunges his head into the beautiful breasts and starts playing with them. The women, starting to get impatient, says: “Are you going to bite it or what?” He then answers: “No, it’s too expensive”
Note: English isn’t my first language so I’m sorry for any mistakes I might have made.
Son: Daddy, what is the difference between paranoia and schizophrenia?
Dad: Paranoia is when you go to the toilet, when your home alone, and lock the door behind you. And schizophrenia is when somebody knocks.
Who designed the human body?
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?"
A group of nuns were remodeling their church.
Today they were painting the walls. They didn't want to get paint on their habits (their nun clothes), so they decided to lock the doors and paint naked...
...they were butt naked and painting when suddenly someone knocked on the cathedral doors. Sister Mary explained to her sisters that every afternoon a poor blind man would come to pray...
"Who is it?" She asked.
"Blind man" was the only reply.
The nuns all looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. "If he is blind, what does it matter if we let him in to pray? He won't even know we are naked."
They agreed and unlocked the door. The man walked in and took a look around at all naked nuns standing in front of him. "God Damm, sister Mary, nice rack," he said, "now where should I hang the blinds."
Chủ Nhật, 18 tháng 10, 2020
A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in coma
She notices that whenever she touches the genital area, patient's heart rate increases. She gets the idea that oral sex might help her regain consciousness. The nurse then calls patient's husband and tell him that oral sex might revive her and so the husband agrees to help.
The following night, the nurse brings the husband to the patient's room and closes the door to let him begin. Not after two minutes, the alarm goes off and the patient's vitals are critical. The nurse knocks on the door and asks the husband, "Is everything okay in there?". The husband answers, "I think I'm choking her!".
Edit: Fixed some grammatical mistakes. Edit 2: Some of you pointed out, Norm MacDonald used this punchline on Conan. Did not know this. Credit to the original artist. I just read this somewhere and posted it.
A man was eating at a restaurant ...
When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.
Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”
“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are always prepared.”
Sure enough, not a few minutes later, the man dropped his spoon, and his server was at the ready to hand him a new one.
Eating his soup, the man noticed the male servers all had two strings dangling from the front of their pants. Again curious, the man stopped his server to ask.
“Funny—at the same seminar our manager found out we could be a lot more efficient going to the bathroom if we had one string to pull down the zipper and another to pull out our ... ahem ... ‘item.’ This way we don’t have to wash our hands and we can get right back to work.”
“Fascinating,” said the man. “But uhhh how do you get it back in?”
The server looks around and leans in to whisper “well I don’t know about anyone else, but I use the spoon.”
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice
(For retelling, superscript is high-pitched/falsetto voice)
He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he spoke like this. Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he really wondered why this was, and if something could be done about it. So he went to the doctor.
"Hi doc, so my voice is really high, has always been, and I just wanted to find out if I can make it deeper somehow"
"Sure, but I will have to examine you before," the doctor replied.
So the doctor took his blood pressure, felt his lungs, but couldn't find anything.
"Hmm," the doctor pondered and looked at him, "I think we are going to have to undress you."
So the man took off his clothes down to his boxers.
"I'm sorry, but the boxers need to come off too."
The man removed his boxers, and revealed this foot-long, cobra-looking schlong hanging between his legs.
"A-ha!" the doctor exclaimed, gesticulating towards the man's unit, "I know why your voice is so high. See, your penis is so big that it pulls down on your vocal cords, effectively tensing them up and giving your voice that high-pitch! Your voice didn't change during puberty because your dick dropped down at the same time!"
The man was shocked.
"Wow, I never realised that there was a link between the two... Well, is there something we can do about it?"
The doctor thought for a while.
"Well, there is one highly experimental procedure," his voice was tense and serious, "in which we would cut the middle part of your penis off and sew the end parts together," the doctor said, illustrating the procedure with his hands, "this way, you would get a lower voice and keep a smaller, yet functioning penis."
(Illustration: 8==l==l=D)
"Geez, I'll have to really think about this," the man replied, "I definitely need to talk to my wife about it first."
So the man thanked the doctor, went home to his wife and discussed it with her. He then returned, a week or so later, and said he was ready for the procedure, so the doctor put him to sleep and proceeded with cutting off and sewing together the man's penis. When the man woke up, he had a dark, booming, manly voice.
"Wow, doc. Thank you so much for this, I've never felt so manly in my entire life."
The man went home with his new voice, happy, energized and masculine. But some two weeks later, he returns to the doctor to talk to him.
"Hey, doc. Listen, I've thought about it, and the voice doesn't make up for the fact that I now have a small penis. I don't feel as manly as I did before, so I'd like to revert the procedure. Do you still have the piece that you cut off?"
The doctor looked at him and replied
"Sorry, I threw it away right after."
A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”
So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”
And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”
The little girl says, “Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.”
Mummy said, “What could you see through the keyhole?”
“I saw them hugging and kissing and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.” “Yes?” says Mummy. “And then what happened?”
“Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl .
Thứ Bảy, 17 tháng 10, 2020
3-Italian Nuns Go To Heaven
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six-months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And 'poof' she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna and 'poof' she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he asks "Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.
The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.
The manager showed up and explained that the hotel "has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," the old woman said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," he replied.
The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," he said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have."
Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, "But I didn't use it!"
The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.
The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00," he said.
"That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," the old lady replied.
"But I didn't!" the manager shouted.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My GF bought me an Xbox
But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable
2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out
At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to wipe with, so one takes off her panties and uses them, leaving them behind; the other one grabs a ribbon from a nearby wreath and uses it. They both stumble home, part ways, and crash into bed.
The next morning, while they’re sleeping it off, one woman’s husband calls the other and says: “I’m worried about these girl’s night outs, my wife came home last night very late, and she wasn’t wearing any panties!” The other husband says: “You think that’s bad? My wife showed up late last night with a ribbon between her butt cheeks that says: ‘From all of us at the fire department: Thanks for the memories!’”
My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.
I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.
Thứ Sáu, 16 tháng 10, 2020
A dying wish
A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die". And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a financial planner, and a lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his chequebook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
Thứ Năm, 15 tháng 10, 2020
Who's a Trump fan?
A teacher asked his class how many of them were Trump fans. Not quite knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be loved by the teacher, all of the kids raised their hands, except Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why did you decide to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, “Because I'm not a Trump fan."
“Why aren't you a Trump fan?"
Johnny said, “Because I'm a Democrat."
The teacher asked him why he is a Democrat.
Little Johnny replied, “Well my mom is a Democrat and my dad is a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."
The teacher, annoyed by this answer, asked him, "If your mother was an idiot and your father a jerk, what would that make you?"
Little Johnny replied, “A Trump fan."
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”
A man goes into a local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with small penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...
The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?".
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
Thứ Tư, 14 tháng 10, 2020
A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.
She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.
The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he somehow managed to get the number of the nurse and messaged her: "Hi, I'm the patient you looked after. I've been thinking about it and I think you've stolen my heart".
The nurse didn't reply for two days and the patient was sure that he won't be getting any reply from her.
Then out of the blue, she replied: " Whatever you are accusing me of is not true. We only took one kidney out".
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents house.
Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
Thứ Ba, 13 tháng 10, 2020
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
Three couples are trying to get married.
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest in a no-nonsense tone.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He first asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the last month without any sex?"
"Yes we have, it was fairly easy," replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.
"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.
"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why," says the priest.
"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."
The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."
"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.
A magician works on board a cruise dip
A magician was working on a cruise ship.
Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ship?"
Thứ Hai, 12 tháng 10, 2020
A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.
After a thorough physical examination:
Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"
Man: "Well I did just get laid off."
Doctor: "Well there you go, maybe that's it."
Man: "No, that can't be it because I got a new job soon after. It's great, I have way better hours and I'm making more money than I ever have."
Doctor: "Oh, well what about at home?"
Man: "I did go through a divorce recently."
Doctor: "Hmmm... that could be it then."
Man: "That can't be it either because I just started dating someone who is gorgeous and way better to me than my ex ever was."
Doctor: "Well I don't know what to say, what do you do for hobbies?"
Man: "Oh, I mostly sit around watching porn and eating cheetos."
A Senator dies
While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven..."
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..
The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted."
Chủ Nhật, 11 tháng 10, 2020
In my day, schooling was so severe.
If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal rulers.
Tough measures.
Jack & Jill
Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm. One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, and he doesn't want to be biased or sexist, so he decides the first one of them to use the drinking fountain will get the ax.
While he's considering what to say, Jill walks up with some aspirin to take a drink. Her boss, very sympathetically says, "Jill, I've either got to lay you or Jack off."
Jill responds with a sigh, "Well, you'll have to jack off, I've got a headache."
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