Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.

The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what happened.

About an hour later, he returned. His clothes were messed up, he was covered in lipstick, he had an expensive cigar in his mouth, and in both hands were two full bottles of the most expensive champagne ever.

"What happened?", Hillary asked.

"When I went to the farm, they eagerly invited me in. Then, the husband gave me this cigar, the wife gave me the wine, and their two daughters gave me the best sex of my life!", the driver said with a huge smile on his face.

"What did you say to them?", Hillary asked.

"I said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I just killed the old cow', and the rest happened so quickly I couldn't do anything!"

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

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A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why?" the man demanded.

The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

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An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.

"Holy smokes!" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.

Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

"Is that what they call it now?"

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Did you hear about the gay midget?

he just came out of the cabinet.

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Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

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TIL: Diarrhea is hereditary...

It runs in your jeans.

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