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Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 11, 2017

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining" says the man.

"I think it's snowing" says the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A woman gave her little boy a dollar and told him to go spend it wisely

So the boy walks out the door and starts walking down the street, when he sees a man holding a duck.

"Hey mister," the boy asks, "that's a nice duck. Where did you get it?"

"I found it," the man said, "and I'm taking it to the market to sell."

"How much do you want for it?" the little boy asked.

"A dollar."

Well, the little boy had a dollar, so he bought the duck, and went off to play with him. Soon enough a woman comes by and notices the duck.

"Hey, that's an adorable duck you have there," she said.

"Thanks," the little boy said, "I just bought it."

"Well, I'd love a duck like that," the woman said, "but I'm a little short on cash. But I've been known to turn a trick or two, so if you want we could go back to my place and we could trade."

Well, the little boy had never been with a woman before, but that seemed like a good deal. So back they went to her place, he handed her the duck, and they made love. Now, some people have to work hard to get good at things, and some people are just naturals. Our little boy here...well, let's just say he was a natural. After 15 mind-blowing minutes he and the woman lay panting in bed.

"Wow," she said,"that was the best sex I've ever had. I...I loved it. I want to go again."

"Ok," said the little boy, "but in that case I want my duck back."

The woman readily agreed, and they made passionate love for another round. Finally spent, the little boy collected his duck and left her apartment. As he turned to close the door, however, the duck ran away and right into oncoming traffic -- where it was struck by a passing truck. The man in the truck screeched to a halt, and jumped out, but there was no saving the duck.

"I'm so sorry," the man said,"it was totally an accident."

"That's ok," the little boy replied, "he only cost a dollar anyways."

"Well let me reimburse you," the man said, "it's the least I can do."

So the man gave the little boy a dollar, and the little boy proceeded home to his mother.

"Did you spend your dollar?" his mother asked.

"I did," he replied.

"Well, what did you get?"

"I got a duck for a buck, a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a buck from a guy in a truck for a fucked up duck."

Net Neutrality Is Not the Problem | Backchannel


Net Neutrality Is Not the Problem | Backchannel
I’ve got bad news for everyone who is working overtime to protest Federal Communications Commission chair Ajit Pai’s campaign to eliminate net neutrality: You are being tricked.

November 29, 2017 at 09:39PM
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Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.

Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.

Realist sees light from incoming train.

Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

My wife and I decided not to have kids...

..the kids are taking it pretty hard.

Datasheet of a Woman

Element | Woman

Symbol | ♀

Discoverer | Adam

Atomic Mass   | Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg

Physical Properties:

  1. Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint
  2. Boils at absolutely nothing - freezes with no apparent reason
  3. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.

Chemical Properties:

  1. Reacts well to gold, platinum and all precious stones.
  2. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning
  3. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Hazards

  1. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
  2. Possession of more than one is possible but specimens must not make contact.

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.