An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if i'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

The bartender pointed out the window and said “There’s another bar across the road.”

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A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!".

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Fight Club was awesome!

Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!

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I can cut wood just by looking at it.

It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

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Don't ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense! 

 

Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 

Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

 

Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!" 

 

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir."

 

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

 

The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?"

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One day a midget is walking along feeling a bit parched, when what do ya know, he sees a bar, just for midgets!

"What luck", he thinks, and strolls in.

Inside there are miniature versions of everything! Little chairs with tiny tables, half size doors leading to miniature toilets, a tiny pool table with tiny pool cues, the place has everything, apart from customers... Its completely dead.

Sitting solitary at a table looking rather glum is the bartender. The midget approaches him and asks," Why is it so empty in here, this place is amazing!"

"Well, we've been open for months now and all my customers just come in and leave without ordering any drinks", explains the bartender, "I've got to be honest, I had higher expectations for this place!"

The bartender offers the midget a drink, then goes behind the counter and starts pouring him a pint.

"Um... I think I'm starting to understand why you don't have any customers", shouts the midget, looking up at the enormous counter towering above him, "you've set the bar way too high".

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