What do you call a disabled paedophile?

A creepy crawly.

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My father told me not to make fun of people doing art or gender studied at University

They might spit in my macdonalds fries in the future.

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My wife got angry at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator...

But now it's all just water under the fridge

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to it’s tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to it’s tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner. The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to it’s tank and asked ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my fucking shoes on’

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It's very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does no one is shocked

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My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry,

I'll return.

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I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”

Which might explain why his marriage failed.

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