You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

The voice in the back yells:

"You bastaard!"

"For the murder of your daughter with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

"You bastaaard!"

The judge having had enough, calls out the man in the back.

"Sir! I understand your reaction due to the heinousness of these crimes, but I must ask you to be silent or be charged with contempt!"

"I'm sorry, your honor...

It's just that I've been living beside this bastard for 10 whole years and everytime I wanted to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

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A boy starts his first day working at walmart

A boy starts his first day at walmart. His trainer says to him " I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd" So the trainer goes to the first customer and says " can I help you mam?" Lady goes "Ya I'm looking for some garden hose." Trainer " ok 10, 20 or 30 ft?" Lady "30ft" Trainer takes the lady to where the lawn hoses are and says "after can I interest you in a lawn mower?" Lady goes "why would I need a lawn mower?" Trainer " well your gonna water your grass, grass is gonna grow and your gonna need to cut it, your gonna need a lawnmower for that." Lady thinks for a second and says " ya, actually I do need a lawnmower." The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower. So the trainer goes to the second customs and says " can I help you sir?" The man says "ya I'm looking for some fertilizer." Trainer goes "ok, 10, 20 or 30 lbs?" Man says "20 lbs" So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says "when your done can I interest you in a new lawnmower" Man says "why would I need a lawnmower?" Trainer says " well your gonna fertilize your grass, grass is gonna grow, your gonna need to cut it, your gonna need a lawnmower." The man thinks for a few seconds and says "ya, actually I do need a lawnmower." The boy at this point is amazed by his trainers salesmanship. So now it's the boys turn to help a customer so he goes up to this lady and asks " is there something I can help you with today?" The lady goes " ya, I'm looking for some tampons." Boy goes " ok 10, 20 or 30 pack?" Lady says " 30 pack." So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says " when your done can I interest you in a lawnmower?" The lady looks at him confused as says " what would I need a lawnmower for?" Boy says " well your weekends already fucked, might as well cut the grass."

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

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An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he’s free to go. The Indian asks ‟May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I wanna see how he will do it this time”. The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: ‟So, what will you use as a shield?”

The Russian: ‟The Indian, of course”.

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I can never tell if an old porn star is retired...(NSFW)

Or if they just quit their fucking job.

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What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

We’re writing to you because you’ve violated copyright ...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the fuck out of here."

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