When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.

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Three men crash in a plane over the Amazon rainforest and are immediately captured by cannibals

To their surprise, the cannibals don't immediately kill them. Instead, they show the men (through pictures and such) the beginning of an ancient ritual which, upon successful completion by the men, will result in their freedom.

For the first step, they are instructed to go off into the jungle and collect ten pieces of a single kind of fruit.

The first man comes back triumphantly holding ten oranges. He is overcome with dismay when the second part of the ritual is revealed to him: he must now put all ten of the fruits up his ass without making the slightest noise, or he will be killed.

He fits an entire orange up there but when he starts to put the second in, he whimpers in pain. The cannibals kill him on the spot, roast him, and eat him.

The second man returns with a handful of ten grapes. The second part of the ritual is also explained to him, and he feels confident he can succeed. Sure enough, he starts popping them in his rectum one by one, and eventually is left with only one grape to go. However, as he is about to insert it, he suddenly bursts out laughing. The cannibals murder him and eat him.

The two men meet each other up at the Pearly Gates. The first man can't believe it.

"You were almost there!" He says to the second man. "You could've lived! Why did you laugh?"

"Because," says the second man, "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

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"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?"

Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

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I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

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A blonde moves out to the country....

A blonde moves out to the countryside because she's tired of people in the city assuming she's dumb because of her hair color. She dyes her hair brown, packs up, and moves out. On her way to her new house she passes a shepherd with a herd of sheep. Eager to start her new life, she pulls over and poses a challenge to the shepherd. "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I pick one to keep?"

The shepherd agrees so she spends some time looking and thinking and decides to just make a random guess.

"377?"

The shepherd, shocked, tells her she's right and let's her choose a sheep. She chooses one, loads it into her car and drives to her new house.

A couple hours later, she's getting her new house set up when she hears a knock at the door. She opens it and sees the shepherd.

The shepherd, calmly, says "Ma'am if I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"

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The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin

Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ? German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.

(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:

Man: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "I've never been hugged before."

The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.

Man: "What's wrong now?"

Woman: "I've never been kissed before."

The man bends down and gives her a kiss on the cheek then continues on his way once more. A few seconds later she starts crying uncontrollably and the man thinks, "My God, what now??" He turns back to her.

Man: "What's the matter now?"

Woman: "I've never been fucked before."

The man then proceeds to pick up the woman and throw her into the ocean and says: "Now you're fucked!"

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