A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?"

The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!"

He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

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A man goes bear hunting in the woods

He finds a rather large bear and it spots him. He tries to shoot it but misses. The bear swats the gun out of his hands and trows him to the ground. Then rips his pants off and fucks him in the ass.

A few days later the now very sore hunter come back with a much larger rifle and attempts to shoot the same bear. But the rifle is so big that he has trouble aiming it before the bear manages to get to him and knock it out of his hands. The bear trows him to the ground again and rips his pants off to once again fuck him in the ass.

A week later the hunter returns with a WWII bazooka he got on the black market. He finds the bear and attempts to shoot it, but the old untested bazooka malfunctioned and didn't fire. So the bear threw the hunter to the ground again, turns him over and pulls his pants down.

But just before the bear has it's way with him again, it pauses and says "Hey something tells me that you don't come here for the hunting."

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's penis and began to work back.

'Dear Lord,' The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your balls?'

The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'Afghanistan.'

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Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, I wouldn't do one thing different!"

So Caesar said, "You will be put into the Colosseum, where you will be forced to do battle with men and vicious beasts. The people of Rome will delight in the spectacle of your death." And the tribunes heard and nodded at one another in agreement; for they could think of no more fitting a punishment. Because, after all, he was glad 'e ate 'er.

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Two 5 yr old twin brothers are laying in bed one night discussing how to act more grownup around mom and dad.

Suddenly one of the brothers says, "why don't we curse like grownups"? The other brother says, "great idea, what should we say". "I'll curse like daddy and say Aw Hell". "Oooh, good one I'll say You bet your sweet ass like mom says". They decide to surprise their mom the next morning at breakfast and are in their seats waiting when she walks into the kitchen. "Ok honey, what do you want for breakfast"? To which one boy replies, "aw hell, I think I'll have some corn flakes". So shocked was she that she immediately pulled him out of his chair and washed his mouth out with soap. She sits him back down and looks over at his brother and glaringly asks, "so what are you having for breakfast"? The little boy looks up with the most serious look on his face and says, "You bet your sweet ass I'm not gonna ask for Corn Flakes".

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