her best feature

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

Edit: sweet front page thanks guys. I wish I heard it coming.

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Three friends are exploring in the jungle when they come across a tribe of cannibals.

They end up speaking to the leader of the tribe who tells them that they will be free to go and won't be eaten if they can go into the jungle and find 10 of the same type of fruit and bring it back to him.

So all three of them set off.

After a short while the first guy comes back with plums.

The tribe leader says "ok, now shove them up your ass and you are free to go."

The guy is obviously confused, but obliged because it's obviously better than being eaten. He manages to shove only 3 up his ass and he can't do anymore, so he is killed and eaten.

The second guy comes up with tangerines and is told the same thing. He gets to the 9th tangerine before he starts to laugh uncontrollably and forces all of the tangerines out of his rectum violently. He is then killed, of course.

So the first two guys meet up at the pearly gates and the first one says to the second: "man, you were so close, why did you start to laugh?!"

"Because..."

"I saw Bill walking up with pineapples."

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender replies, “Funny you should ask! The owner hired an efficiency consultant recently to help us streamline things around here. One of his ideas was for the bar staff to always carry a spoon on our person. That way we don’t have to walk to the other end of the bar to get one every time we need to stir a drink.”

The guy is suitably impressed. He has a few more drinks before he notices that the bartender also has a string coming out the fly of his jeans. He’s a little drunk by now so he asks the bartender, “Hey, what’s with the string coming out of your fly?”

The bartender laughs and says, “Good eye! That’s actually from the efficiency consultant too. Basically, it’s tied to my dick so that when go to take a piss, I can just pull my dick out with the string and then I don’t have to spend a minute washing my hands. Time is money, after all.”

The guy thinks about this for a little while. Eventually he says to the bartender, “There’s one thing I don’t understand. I can see how you’d use the string to pull it out and hold it while you’re taking a piss, but how do you get it back in when you’re done?”

To this the bartender replies, “Well, I can’t speak for the rest of the staff but I just use the spoon.”

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My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag

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How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

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It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

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I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

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A wife is having a gangbang with three men, one of them is deaf

Her husband walks in, so one hides in the closet, the second under the bed and the deaf man hides in the balcony.

The husband opened the closet, and yells who the hell are you, the man says I’m the handyman, I’m fixing your closet, you owe me 100 bucks. He gives him his money and send him on his way.

The husband then looks under the bed and yells who the fuck are you, the second one says I’m also a handyman and I was fixing your bed, so the husband gives him another $100 and let him leave.

The deaf man then storms into the room, and yells, I fucked her too, that’ll be a $100.

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