But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
Thứ Sáu, 31 tháng 1, 2020
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one.
First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours."
Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours."
He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours."
He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour."
"And the devil?"
The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
There's this kid named Tommy. He has no body. He is just a head.
Tommy was born without a body or any limbs, so his entire life he has existed as a head only-- he learned to roll around, use his mouth to maneuver things, and live just like a normal kid.
One day Tommy rolled into school just like any other day, banged against his locker to open it, started to get his books when, all of a sudden, he spots a new student.
Tommy thinks she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is perfect, her body is amazing (which Tommy slightly envied, but had gotten over those thoughts mostly by now), and she had an amazing sense of fashion. There was just one thing off about this girl though; she only had one eye, and in place of her other eye was a prosthetic eye made of wood. It didn't even look like a real eye, it just looked wooden.
Tommy saw her and his jaw dropped to the floor-- "What's her name?" He asked a friend.
"Oh, her? That's Sally, the girl with a wooden eye."
Tommy saw past her wooden eye and was starstruck ever since he first laid eyes on Sally. He made it his mission to ask Sally to prom.
Weeks later, Tommy finally gathered the courage to ask his crush the big question. He rolled up to her in the cafeteria and said, "Hey Sally, I'm Tommy. I was wondering if you wanted to go to Prom with me?"
Sally looked down at him for a second, and said, " Uhmm.. I'm sorry Tommy.. I don't think so."
This devastated Tommy. He had felt all sorts of pain and denial in his life from not having a body. He knew what rejection and denial felt like having been left out of all the activities full bodied people could do. But nothing hurt quite as much as this. His heart was shattered. And then Tommy turned into a grape.
So now Tommy is a grape, just rolling around school, and he is depressed like never before. People see Tommy and notice that something is off with him. He's so depressed, that he turned into a grape.
Sally sees this and begins to feel really bad. "Was I too harsh?" she asked a friend, " Maybe I should go try to make it up to him." Now Sally made it her mission to ask Tommy to the prom, and hopefully he would return to normal.
After school, Sally went by Tommy's house and knocked on the door. Tommy answered, and she was surprised for a second that a grape could answer the door-- but nonetheless, she moved forward with her mission.
"Tommy, I wanted to ask you something... Would you go to prom with me?"
Tommy didn't believe his ears for a second-- the most beautiful girl he had ever seen had just asked him to the prom! Without thinking, he replied,
"Oh wood eye, wood eye!"
Sally was offended and crushed him.
The moral of the story: Stop while you're a head.
Dr. Geezer
An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”
Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.”
Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!”
Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill.
Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!”
Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"
Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."
Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
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