It always says “B positive”.
Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 2, 2017
A wife gets naked...
…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is a true story of a poor ditzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
She says, "I'm 5'4 and i'm in the front seat."
(pause)
"O.K." says the voice in the radio....... "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........"
The committee came up with a new method to weed out the racists
The committee decided to kick all of the racist people out of its board. So they gathered all the members to a meeting and they presented them a slew of racist jokes. Any member who was caught smiling or laughing was deemed racist and were expelled from the group.
As the jokes got more and more racist, more people can't hold back their laughter. The hall began to empty, until there was only one man left.
"Sir, I'm glad to say you were the only one who didn't laugh at the racist jokes," the chairman said.
"Jokes?", the man said. "I thought they were facts."
'La La Land' Won Best Picture — Then Lost It To 'Moonlight.' It Was Insane
'La La Land' Won Best Picture — Then Lost It To 'Moonlight.' It Was Insane
Warren Beatty got confused and everything went off the rails. But now "Moonlight" has its rightful Oscar.
February 27, 2017 at 09:54PM
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A man decides to go to a safari.
He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now." Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Hop on my back, monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine. "Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh boy, it looks like I've really had it now."
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says... "Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not back."
I greeted the mailman at the door naked
He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where here lived.
I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse
I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.
Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 2, 2017
A juggler, driving to his next performance...
Stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,
“All politicians are assholes.”
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”
The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”
“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”
A Nazgûl walks into a bar...
The barman says: 'I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind in here.' The Nazgûl replies: 'That's Wraithist.'
Appolcolypse
A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.
One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kinds of hand held weaponry. The settlers took him in and after a while he finally felt safe.
One night, they heard loud groans start to surround the place. Zombies had broken in and after a few minutes had overrun the prison. The settlers did all they could but their weapons just weren’t up to the task and everyone was killed, apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who escaped as the last few were eaten alive.
Stumbling through the night, with zombies close behind in trail, Carl discovered a huge shopping mall. The settlers let him inside. They were armed to the teeth with a huge arsenal of Pistols, assault rifles, military grade weapons, the lot.
Carl warned them that there was a pack of zombies following him, but when they looked hundreds had gathered behind Carl and were now headed straight for the mall. The settlers fired every weapon they had at them, but wave after wave of zombies ploughed on through the wall of bullets and the settlers of the shopping mall were slaughtered. All apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who eluded death once again.
He ventured into a deep dark wood, stumbling over fallen foliage, with an Armageddon of zombies behind him, he ran into a huge set off wooden gates. As he got closer he saw a chicken dressed in military fatigues. The chicken scratched its feet on the floor, clicked three times and pecked on the wooden gates. They opened with an enormous “Creeeeek”. Inside was a farm, one farmer and his wife, who greeted him inside happily.
He gave them warning that there were hundreds of zombies chasing him, maybe even thousands by now, but they didn’t seem bothered at all. “Shouldn’t we do something? Haven’t you even got any weapons at all” Carl shouted...
“No”, said the farmer.
“The chicken will deal with them” said his wife.
Carl was ominous, but he was fed up of running and wanted to see what this chicken could do, so he watched in anticipation...
The Zombies approached, and one by one the chicken took them down. It pecked through their zombie brains, scratched off their heads and kicked the living dead crap out of thousands of them.
Amazed, Carl said, “I’ve just seen that group of zombies tear through two settlements, both armed to the teeth with an incredible arsenal of weapons, and your chicken has just taken all of them all out single handed, how? how did that just happen!?”
Well, said the settler, you see we figured it out a long time ago, we don’t need weapons at all, for The hen is mightier than the hoard.”
...
Well I just wrote that joke today, hope it didn't suck. I'd appreciate any constructive feedback from you guys if you have the time. Thanks all :)
Nate Robinson Dribbled Himself *Through* Another Player's Legs
Nate Robinson Dribbled Himself *Through* Another Player's Legs
Robinson, who plays in the NBA's Development League now, could probably pursue a Harlem Globetrotters career with moves like this.
February 26, 2017 at 07:51PM
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My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...
He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.
Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'll wait," and waits an hour in the chocolate line.
He goes to a limo agency to book a limo for prom night, but they are having a sale so many engaged couples have lined up to book a limo. But the line is shorter than the candy store line and the boy thinks, "well, if I waited in that line, I can wait in this one, too." He waits half an hour in the limo line.
After that he goes to buy the tickets to prom. Everyone else is buying tickets too, but he doesn't want them to run out so he has to wait over an hour in the ticket line.
Finally he has everything he needs, so she asks the girl and she says yes.
The night of prom they get in the limo and drive to the venue. The event isn't very well coordinated so traffic is atrocious, and they wait for what seems like forever in a stand-still traffic line.
Finally, they get out of the limo and stand in line to get into the prom. It's a big school, so they wait for the better part of 45 minutes in the entry line.
When they eventually make it inside, the boy and girl start dancing. They're both having a great time, but the girl gets thirsty so the boy offers to get her some punch.
He goes to the drink table and there's no punch line.
A boy and his father are in an argument
Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"
Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"
Son: Stomps up stairs
Son: Walks into his room, gently closes the door
Son: "Jim Morrison sucks!"
Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"
A woman walks into a pet store..
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 2, 2017
The Priests Question
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’
All the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’ t belong to them?’
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.
Little Johnny came to class all beat up...
Teacher: What's wrong?
Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.
Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.
The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.
Teacher: My goodness! Why the swelling?
Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping. I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad & mom start moving, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making noises.
Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?"
Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered "Yes"
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me, I'm coming too."
Catholic
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."
Two police officers crash their car into a tree.
After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
My girlfriend invited me to her house.
My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car
Stories for a healthy weekend.
Stories for a healthy weekend.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors
February 25, 2017 at 07:59PM
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A farmer buys a young cock.
As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, its fucking the ducks and the geese too.
Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"
Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 2, 2017
My girlfriend is so smart!
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
Son : Mom, Dad... I'm gay.
Dad : Raising his right hand
Mom : No , don't you dare!
Dad : Sweating profusely
Mom : Don't do it!
Dad : waves at son Hi gay , Im Dad.
Son : No Dad, I'm serious!
Dad : You're serious? I thought you were gay!
Son : I'm not serious!
Dad and Mom : Good.
Give a man......
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
A kung fu student asks the teacher:
"Master, why does not my ability evolve and I'm always defeated?"
And the master, pensive, with all his patience answers:
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Uber Is Doomed
Uber Is Doomed
Recent troubles aside, it's becoming more evident that Uber will collapse on its own.
February 25, 2017 at 02:10AM
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I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
Why is the speed of light the speed of light?
Why is the speed of light the speed of light?
Light travels at around 300,000 km per second. Why not faster? Why not slower? A new theory inches us closer to an answer.
February 24, 2017 at 11:14PM
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My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties
It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.
Two pilots, Rick and Dick, are flying, when they start talking about the new stewardess...
Rick says. "Have you seen Svetlana, she's absolutely stunning". Dick says "Seen her? I already did her after a flight last week!" Rick says "Wow man was she good?". Dick says "Well she's not as good as other stewardesses but still better than my wife". So Rick goes "well I gotta try this out.."
So after the flight he gets a drink with Svetlana, and one thing leads to another.
The next flight Dick asks "so how was she?"
Rick says "you're right, we do have hotter stewardesses, but she was definitely still better than your wife".
A father buys a lie detector
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 2, 2017
Little johnny
A female class teacher was having a problem with little johnny in her class in Primary 3. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4. I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Boy: Pockets.
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Madam: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent.
The principal was looking restless
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Boy: Nose.
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.
Principal: O MY GOD.
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Boy: Surname.
Principal: Ohooo!!
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Boy: Heart.
Principal: Eeeeeh!!.. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this BLOODY boy to the university... Even I myself got all the answers wrong!"
Husband is late returning home from playing golf
"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!
" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.
" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !
" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.
She's was such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ...... the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. ...... I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ............ There. You wanted the truth....you got it.
Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you!”
A Father puts his 3 year old daughter to bed [long]
A Father puts his 3 year old daughter to bed, tells her a story and listens to her prayers which she ends by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!
The regular taster at a winery died...
The regular taster at a winery died and the director had to look for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss.
The boss handed him another glass. "This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."
A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive," the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Pope suggests 'better to be atheist than hypocritical Catholic'
Pope suggests 'better to be atheist than hypocritical Catholic'
He said that some of these people should also say "'my life is not Christian, I don't pay my employees proper salaries, I exploit people, I do dirty business, I launder money, (I lead) a double life'."
February 23, 2017 at 09:33PM
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I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.
I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through"
A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"?
I said "No, that's my fucking Pizza"
Inside Uber’s Aggressive, Unrestrained Workplace Culture
Inside Uber’s Aggressive, Unrestrained Workplace Culture
Employees describe a Hobbesian environment at the company, in which workers are sometimes pitted against one another and where a blind eye is turned to infractions from top performers.
February 23, 2017 at 09:08AM
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Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 2, 2017
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
Why did the match factory burn down?
Because the workers went on strike
I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke
How Peter Thiel’s Palantir Helped the NSA Spy on the Whole World
How Peter Thiel’s Palantir Helped the NSA Spy on the Whole World
Palantir is flexible and powerful enough to accommodate the requirements of any organization that needs to process large amounts of both personal and abstract data — including governments around the world.
February 22, 2017 at 09:28PM
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Dorm Rules
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
A farmer gets a letter
A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.
"Dear Ronald J. Kse,
This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.
Thanks, your neighbors"
Now, Ronald had really enjoyed last year's party, so he was delighted to be the host for this year.
After a grand day of eating, drinking, and merrymaking, All of Ronald's neighbors left - without helping clean up.
"That's fine, its just one party, and I've done the same other years" said Ron.
Fast forward the next year, Ron was looking forward to this year's harvest, and the celebration that would follow.
After attending this year's anonymous vote, he gets another letter in the mail.
"Dear Mr. Kse, After the amazing time everyone had last year, the vote was decided again for you to be the host! We look forward to seeing you again, and thank you."
Ron sighs, but thinks "Yeah, last year's party was pretty great. I guess the cleanup wasn't too bad. No worries."
Again, he gathered with his neighbors, and they feasted and drank themselves silly... but there were twice as many people this year. Friends, family, friends of family were all invited...
The cleanup was far worse this year. "But," Ron thought, "there's no way I'll get it three years in a row."
Next year, Ron's sister was visiting, and went with him to check the mail. She handed him a very lavish envelope, garnished with golden filigree and laden with caligraphy.
She exclaimed "Wow! This is beautiful! It must be something very wonderful and important!"
"No... I've seen this before... It's another fucking reap host..." said R. Joe Kse
Man Vs Gorilla
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.
Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?
Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do. !'
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'
Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to Break free from the enclosure.
Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, lift your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'
The woman lifts her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.
The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'
Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache or that you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..
Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 2, 2017
A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago
Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Lawyer: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see y our license please?
Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Lawyer: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Lawyer: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.
Officer: You what?
Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.
The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.
Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.
Lawyer: Killed the owner?
Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?
Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.
The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.
Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.
I can't stand abortions
I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear customer,
We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.
I think my family is racist...
when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!
A Holographic Model Solves a Great Cosmological Mystery
A Holographic Model Solves a Great Cosmological Mystery
On the human scale a holographic universe would be indistinguishable from the reality we expect, but on a cosmic scale there could be subtle differences we might be able to detect.
February 21, 2017 at 07:30PM
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I Needed The Rake
I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where's the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said,
"What?".
I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
Ninety
There was once a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
My daughters favorite joke...
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment, and the other requires oinkment.
Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 2, 2017
An old lady meets a little girl in the park with her dog.
She asks, "What's your name, little girl?" "Blossom," answers the girl. "Oh, that's a beautiful name. How did you get it?" The little girl explained, "Well, my mommy was pregnant, and a blossom fell out of a tree and landed right on her tummy, so she named me Blossom." "Oh, that's so nice, replied the old lady. "What's your dog's name?" "Porky," the little girl answered. "Why Porky?" the old lady asked. The little girl answered, "Because he fucks pigs."
An ISIS member was performing...
An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.” The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian man recites a random verse from the Bible, pretending as if it’s a verse from the Quran. “Ok” the ISIS member finally says, “you can go.” After the drove away, the man’s wife says “I cannot believe the risk you just took. Why did you tell him that we are Muslims? If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us.” “Don’t worry,” said the husband, “if they knew the Quran they would not kill people.”
I ate my mom...
Se knocked te computer on te ground so now some of te keys on te keyboard aren't working rigt.
As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
The Irish Prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."
Former engineer says Uber is a nightmare of sexism
Former engineer says Uber is a nightmare of sexism
A former Uber engineer has published an explosive account of sexism and power struggles in the workplace, with allegations beginning from her very first official day with the company.
February 20, 2017 at 09:34AM
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As I looked into her eyes...
...across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak. My heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...
That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.
I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!
A Russian goes to a watchmaker.
He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'." "No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner. He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."
Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 2, 2017
A man sees a lady with big breasts.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
I used to have a German girlfriend... [NSFW]
We used to rate our sexual experiences out of 10.
We tried anal once and she yelled out 9! 9! the whole time
My best ever score.
A Conversation With Brian Eno About Ambient Music
A Conversation With Brian Eno About Ambient Music
The unceasingly curious composer on chance, minimalism, and the politics of form.
February 20, 2017 at 12:53AM
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I got pulled over by the police ...
He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer....
The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back.
Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have you lost a bit of weight recently! You are quite the catch - any woman would be lucky to have you!' The man regarded the peanuts oddly but shook his head and left the bar area in search of a packet of smokes.
Located in the corner of the pub was a coin operated cigarette machine. The man reached into his pocket grabbed his change and was about to put his first coin when suddenly the cigarette machine started to speak, 'wow! You've had a hard life! Gained a bit of weight? Few extra grey hairs on your head....welcome to middle age pal! You do not wear it well'! The man was understandably shocked and backed away to the bar where his pint was now being prepared.
The customer turned to the bar and said, 'What the hell is going on?!?? That bowl of peanuts said I've lost weight and look good for my age whilst that cigarette machine said I was fat and middle aged!'
The barman said. 'I do apologise sir! The peanuts are complementary but the cigarette machines out of order'!!!!
Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 2, 2017
A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...
The first caller gets through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"
I was talking to a friend's little girl...
I was talking to a friend's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,
'If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that.
You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, 'cause she's only 6.
And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
EDIT: Thanks /u/Adnan_Targaryen for the suggestion to remove the last line!
Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office...
There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.
Two blind pilots enter a plane
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"
Michael Flynn, General Chaos
Michael Flynn, General Chaos
What the removal of Flynn as the national-security adviser reveals about Donald Trump’s White House.
February 18, 2017 at 10:36PM
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Three sons go to their father on his deathbed...
A father of three - a man of considerable wealth and creator of a veritable empire - lies on his deathbed in the final hours of his life. His sons - all vying to inherit his wealth - stand by his side, arguing over who should take the kingdom.
"I am the smartest," says one.
"But I am the bravest," replies another.
The youngest - last in line to inherit - says nothing.
"Sons, sons! Stop this bickering. The inheritor or my vast wealth, of all my lands and riches, will be decided by a task."
"Father," cries the first son, "Whatever it is, I shall prove my worth! I will show you that your kingdom will be in safe hands with me! Name the task!"
The father breaths a laboured breath and then regards his first son.
"My firstborn, you shall journey to the furthest, storm-tossed seas of the great West. There, you will search the unfathomable depths for the long-lost wreck of the HMS Gordimer. Deep within her bowels, there lies a treasure chest. Inside that chest is the incredibly rare Gem of Kings. Bring that, and you shall have my blessing."
The son beams, prepares his horse and travelling train, and leaves on his quest.
"What is my task, father?" asks the second son. "Tell me! For your kingdom, for your blessing, nothing is impossible!"
"My son, you shall travel East. There, deep within the jungles of the Gargadian jungles, you will find the vicious and savage saber-toothed Bear. WIth just your hands, bring me its heart. Do this, and you shall have my blessing."
The son packs his things and begins his tough journey.
"And me father?" asks the last son. "What is my task? What dangerous quest will you have me do?"
The father just looks at him.
"My boy," he says. "Get me a Coke. I never liked those cunts."
A farmer is being interviewed about his cows
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine
Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 2, 2017
Todd sat behind Claire in Sunday school
The teacher asked the class 'Who created the universe?' Todd poked Claire with his pencil and she jumped up yelling 'GOD ALMIGHTY!' 'Correct Claire' The class goes on for a few minutes and the teacher asks 'Now, can anyone tell me who died on the cross?' Todd poked Claire again and she leapt up and shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!' 'Correct again Claire' And the class continues until the teacher asks a third question 'What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?' Again Todd poked Claire, and she yelled out 'I SWEAR IF YOU POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO SNAP IT IN HALF!'
An English WW2 pilot was...
...talking in the school about his war experience. "So I'm flying over German land in my plane. I was alone. Out of the blue, a fokker flanks me on the right. Then, I found a fokker on my left wing too. I was panicking, when suddenly 2 more fokkers appeared and surrounded me..."
By now, the children are giggling, so an embaressed teacher intervenes, "Actually, fokker is the name of a German airplane."
"Yeah", interjected the pilot, "But these fokkers were flying in Dorniers."
A man from Illinois
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"
Why do hurricanes get lousy names, like Sandy?
Name that thing Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating like they need to.
If you're allergic to milk, don't tell your fifth grade class
I was known as "the kid who's allergic to titties". The worst part is I believed it, so I thought for sure I was gay. But I second guessed myself, after remembering I was also allergic to nuts.
Later I found out I'm just dumb.
During A 1994 Blackout, LA Residents Called 911 When They Saw The Milky Way For The First Time
During A 1994 Blackout, LA Residents Called 911 When They Saw The Milky Way For The First Time
They looked up at the sky. It was flush with cosmic bodies that had been invisible up to that point — twinkling stars, clustered galaxies, distant planets, even a satellite or two. Then some people became nervous. What was that large silvery cloud that trailed over the city?
February 17, 2017 at 07:51PM
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There were two friends drinking and one says to the other
I have a trumpet that tells the hour. "The hour?" the friend asks. Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear... "You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"
My next door neighbour is bulimic.
She was making so much noise last night that I banged on the wall and shouted "For fucks sake, keep it down."
Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.
Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?" Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..' The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?' Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.' Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'
Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 2, 2017
TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.
Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.
Edit: McDonald's and Starbucks have a combined total of a couple museums.
Old soviet joke.
Who is your mother?
Our great Soviet country.
Who is your father?
Our dear comrade Stalin.
What's your greatest desire?
Becoming an orphan.
The enormous scale of the erosion problem at the Oroville Dam site
The enormous scale of the erosion problem at the Oroville Dam site
As the fairly desperate attempt continues to shore up the spillways at the Oroville Dam site, and to lower the water level ahead of the next rainstorm, better images are emerging of the scale of the problems on both spillways.
February 16, 2017 at 07:32AM
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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...
"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm Vietnamese, we value education I'll be here Monday".
"Ok" says the teacher "Lets try another one: 'Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.'"
This time the hand of little Susie Hou rises.
"Abraham Lincoln"
"Correct Susie." the teacher asserts "Enjoy your day off"
Susie says "Oh no ma'am. I'm Chinese, we also value education I'll be here early on Monday morning".
"Fucking immigrants!" a voice says from the back.
"Who said that?!" the teacher snaps.
"Donald Trump..." says little Johnny "...I'll see ya Tuesday"
Just asked Siri.
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" ...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Thứ Năm, 16 tháng 2, 2017
A lady walks down the street with her breast naked
Someone tells her:
"Excuse me, Ms. You shouldn't walk like this with your breast out"
She looks at him. Looks at her breast. Turns back and runs away yelling:
"Fuck! I left my baby in the bus!"
A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex
A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex. Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?” He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I masturbated with them.”
The next day the woman went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to him, “Have you ever done that?”
He replied, “Yeah, a few times.”
She said, “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?”
“Oh!” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.
In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.
The Strange Case Of The Russian Diplomat Who Got His Head Smashed In On Election Day
The Strange Case Of The Russian Diplomat Who Got His Head Smashed In On Election Day
How did Sergei Krivov die? And why did the NYPD close the case?
February 15, 2017 at 08:37PM
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Sex after Surgery:
A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford University Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex."
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”
"Why did you name me Lily?"
"Father," said Lily, "why did you name me Lily?" Lily's father smiled, "On the day you were born, a gentle breeze carried a lily through the window, and it gently fell onto your forehead, and so we named you Lily." Lily smiled at her father, and went back to playing. On that same day, Lily's sister, Rose, walked up to her father and said, "Father, why did you name me Rose?" Rose's father tousled her hair, and replied, "When we left the hospital on the day of your birth, a rose petal carried in the breeze fell upon your forehead, and so we named you Rose." Rose smiled, and went back to playing. Later that day, the youngest girl in the family, Cinderblock, walked up to her father and said "GRRRAAAaaaAAAAaaHHH!!"
Prostitutes
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She replies, "Well, most of them become taxi drivers."
Thứ Tư, 15 tháng 2, 2017
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.
At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.
"How is that possible?" said the officer. "That wall was solid concrete!"
The warden quietly inspected the cell. After a few minutes, he exited and said, "He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole."
The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist. However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall. And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes.
The warden declared, "According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open."
Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician. Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation. The officer sighed. "After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed." The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled.
"It appears," the warden said, "that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall.
PS: My math professor told me this joke last year, I was reminded of it by yesterday's top post.
A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.
St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.
Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, and you get to go to heaven."
So first the mathematician steps up to Satan, and he says, "Give me a complete proof for Squaring the Circle." Satan snaps his fingers, and a big pile of papers appears in front of the man. He looks over the proof carefully, and finally concedes, looking rather glum, "This is indeed proof of Squaring the Circle." In a flash of fire and brimstone, he goes to hell.
Next the philosopher comes up to Satan and says, "I'd like a written proof that god is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnibenevolent." Once again, Satan simply snaps his fingers, and another stack of papers appears. The philosopher rifles through them, and finally concedes, "I know we're right outside heaven right now, but I hadn't really though that this proof could exist until I saw it just now." In a second flash of fire and brimstone, he falls straight down to hell.
Finally the idiot strides up to Satan, looking confident. "Bring me a plastic chair and a power drill!" he pronounces. Seeming confused, Satan conjures up the requested items. The idiot takes his drill and wildly drills about a dozen holes in the seat of the chair, in no pattern at all.
He then sits on the chair and farts loudly. He slyly looks up at Satan, then asks, "Which hole did my fart go through?"
Satan picks up the chair, and holds it up to the light. He turns it this way and that, and pokes his fingers through various holes, and he examines it every way he can.
Finally, after about five minutes, he sets it down, and confidently answers: "It went through the second whole whole on the left. It had to be. The aerodynamics can't have worked out any other way."
The man jumps up and gleefully exclaims, "Wrong! IT WENT THROUGH MY ASSHOLE!"
Saint Peter lets him into heaven.
Guy goes to a department store with his wife.
Guy loses sight of her and notices another guy walking in circles, looking for something. They have a chat and realize they're both looking for their wives.
Guy asks: "What does your wife look like?" to which the other guy replies: "Well, she's about six feet tall, in her early twenties, blonde hair, well-endowed and has the prettiest smile in the world. What about your wife?"
Guy replies: "Never mind. Let's look for yours!"
Why Keanu Reeves is a perfect action star
Why Keanu Reeves is a perfect action star
Not all films understand how to utilize the actor’s inherent blankness. Those that do benefit greatly.
February 14, 2017 at 10:00PM
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A girl was meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time
Unfortunately she was dealing with a severely upset stomach. As they were seated around the dinner table she had to try and release some of the crippling pressure, and decided to let out a little gas quietly. Her "little" fart resulted in a squeak audible enough that everyone at the table heard. Their heads snapped up, and the father looked at her, then the dog lying on the floor behind her chair and said "Max".
"This is great", she thought. "They think it was the dog" and everyone went back to eating. 5 minutes later the pain had returned and she felt the need to relieve more pressure. Without shifting she let out another fart, this one twice as loud and relieving as the last. Everyone looked up again and the father says "MAX!" much to her delight. Everyone resumed eating.
Feeling much better but still not out of the woods, the girl decided to go for the gusto and completely relieve herself from the still present pain of the gastro-fiend. Brimming with confidence she let out an unholy ripper, all of which lasted nearly 4 seconds. Everyone stopped eating and looked at one another. The father put down his fork, rose from his chair, looked at the dog and shouted..
"Max! For the love of God! Get away from there before she shits on you!!"
A Polish joke translated to english
Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great. "This looks amazing" the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven. The next day the first guy drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realises that he used only three cans of paint. He calls the second guy: "Hey man I've just finished painting the whole place, but I've used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!" Second guy - "Yeah, me too."
A man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he suddenly died. After the burial, his wife’s neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
This is a mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie...
The man decided to try it out at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Kung Fu Panda
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: Ok! It was a porno.
Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!
The robot slaps the mom.
Translated Arabic Joke, Hope it makes sense...
The UN is holding a competition to find out which intelligence agency is truly the best. The CIA, KGB and Syrian agencies show up for the competition. The rules are simple, a rabbit is released into the woods and the team to find the rabbit the fastest wins. The rabbit is released and the CIA use their satellites and technology and find the rabbit in 2 hours. The rabbit is released again and the KGB use their stealth hiding in trees and find the rabbit in 1 hour. The rabbit is finally released and the Syrians run after it in the woods. 1 hour, 2 hours, 6 hours...nothing. So the CIA and KGB go in to look for their Syrian counterparts. They find a bear tied to a tree and a Syrian officer pacing bath and forth in front of it smoking his cigarette ," I am going to ask you for the last time, confess you are a rabbit"
Thứ Ba, 14 tháng 2, 2017
A schoolreunion
A man named Chris sits down at a table at his high-school reunion. It's been a while since the last reunion, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.
Suddenly another guy sits down beside Chris. The man is very tall, about 6'3, and his face is stretched out. As if someone was pulling his face up and down at the same time.
The man introduces himself as John, a childhood friend of Chris. Chris remembers the name very well, but the man sitting beside him doesn't look anything like what he did in high-school.
No worries, John says. Almost no one recognizes me anymore. I used to be short and chubby, but nowadays I'm tall as a redwood and slim as a twig. This change of appearance happened in only a few months too! John laughs.
Chris seems a bit puzzled, so John tells him a bit more about what has happened in his life during this last year.
About eight months ago me and my wife lived in a slightly unsafe neighborhood. We were fine with it as we both own guns, and know what to avoid there. The situation changed when my wife got pregnant. We didn't want to raise our child in an unsafe place, so we decided to move into a gated community. A few weeks after we made our decision we found out that the CEO of Tesla, Elon Musk, was remaking a whole neighborhood into a modern gated community to test prototypes for Tesla. A lot of people applied to get a house there, and luckily we were accepted. The grounds are very secure, and no one but the inhabitants and different services get in or out. The only weird thing about living there is that we noticed that we started to stretch out a bit. When i moved there i was a bit below 5'7, but as you can notice I'm much taller now. Same goes for everyone else in the area.
Well why don't you leave? It seems very weird to live in a place where you mystically stretch out when you move in.
I guess that is the price of living in an Elon-gated community
I walk into a hardware store..
Any two-watt bulbs? For what? That'll do. I'll take two. Two what? I thought you didn't have any. Any what? Yes please."
Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"?
I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"
"No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said" replied the boy.
Greece Evacuates Second Largest City to Remove Giant WWII Bomb
Greece Evacuates Second Largest City to Remove Giant WWII Bomb
It sat undetected for years, right next to a gas station.
February 13, 2017 at 08:00AM
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If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...
that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
Putting it in.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
A Man Escapes From Prison
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
The gorilla at the zoo died, and to cover it up the zoo owners made one of the workers wear a gorilla suit and act the part.
The guy adjusted quickly to the role and through his crazy antics soon became one of the most popular exhibits in the zoo.
One day, he was swinging from his rope, going higher and higher as a crowd of excited children cheered. Suddenly, the rope snapped and the gorilla-man flew out of the enclosure into the neighbouring lion pen!
Everyone freaked out and started screaming as the lion advanced on him. "Save me, I'm a man!! SAVE ME, I'M A MAN!" he shrieked, but no one heard him over the crowd.
The lion pounced on top of him, pinning him to the ground. He knew it was over, but he tried one more time to call for help. "HELP!! I'M NOT A GORILLA, I'M A-"
A huge paw clamped down over his mouth. " Shut up already, the lion hissed, "before we both lose our jobs!"
Thứ Hai, 13 tháng 2, 2017
The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome...
A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.
After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!"
A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple.
"Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!"
"Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" suggested the alien.
"Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?"
"Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?"
A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks.
A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks.
Teacher: What are your son’s names?
Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name.
Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same?
Lady: Oh no, you see when it’s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it’s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for dinner and they all come a runnin.
Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?
Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.
A woman is at home when she hears someone......
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and.....
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
A lovely woman is first in line at a bus stop.
The bus opens its doors to let her on. She lifts her leg for the step and funds she cannot reach it. She realizes it must be her tight dress and reaches back and unzips it a little bit.
Again, she brings her leg up and still cannot reach the first step of the bus. A little more embarrassed, she reaches back again and unzips her dress a good deal more.
But again, her foot falls just short of the step. Finally she reaches back and unzips the dress almost all the way. At this point the young man behind her reaches forward, grabs her by the hips and lifts her to the step.
Infuriated, she turns and nearly screams, "And what made you think you had permission to touch me like that!?"
The man calmly replies, "Well, after you reaches back and unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."
White House Blocks Listing of Bumble Bee As Endangered Species
White House Blocks Listing of Bumble Bee As Endangered Species
The rusty-patched bumble bee was scheduled to be added to the endangered species list on Friday but the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has announced that process will need to be reviewed due to an executive order from the president.
February 12, 2017 at 11:53PM
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The Italians are fighting Americans in the trenches
An American gets the idea to yell the name Luigi, and being a common Italian name when someone hears their name and looks up, they shoot him.
"Hey, Luigi!"
An Italian looks up and says
"Yeah?"
BANG
After the Americans do this a few times, the Italians try it for themselves. They decide to yell the name John, being a common American name.
"Hey-a, John!"
An American shouts back
"Hey! Is that you Luigi?"
The Italian looks up
"Yeah, itsa me!"
BANG
How do you know?
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.
“Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!”
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!”
He began his series of questions:
Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me.”
Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me.”
Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?"
Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”
Chủ Nhật, 12 tháng 2, 2017
She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this.
A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window.
For a few moments the inside of the cab was silent. The shaken driver turned and said, "Are you ok? I'm very sorry, but you scared the piss out of me!"
The passenger, very startled at this point, apologizes to the driver and says "I didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could scare some one so bad"
The driver replied "no, no, I'm the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for over 20 years!"
So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...
God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."
Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and Satan will sit down at their desktops and pound out as much perfectly-formatted HTML as they possibly can. The contest is officially scheduled for Easter Sunday, and news spreads far and wide.
Easter Sunday rolls around. People from all over flock to Heaven to witness the contest. It is broadcasted live on several news stations, and is even live-tweeted by some representatives from Google. At exactly 8:59 AM, Satan and Jesus both sit down at two computers, facing each other. They log in and open up their scripting program. At 9 AM, Archangel Michael drops a flag and the race begins.
One hour, and several cups of coffee, pass. Both Satan and Jesus are going strong. Satan is adamant that he will beat Jesus and get back into Heaven, while Jesus just really enjoys coding (it's a hobby of his). The official line count is read off every hour, and at 10 AM, Satan is slightly ahead.
By 11 AM, Jesus has caught up to Satan, because Satan found an error and had to rewrite several pages of code. He is slightly annoyed, but still determined to beat Jesus.
By noon, Satan and Jesus have caught up again, as Jesus decided to reformat a large section of his work to make it more streamlined and perfectly formatted, as per the contest rules. Satan is starting to get cocky, showing off to the crowd by typing with his barbed tail, typing with his eyes shut, typing with his trident, et cetera. The crowd oohs and ahhs appropriately.
At 1 PM, they both stop for some lunch. Satan decides to trick Jesus into taking a longer lunch break, so he gives Jesus five loaves of bread and three fishes. Jesus breaks off pieces to feed himself, but simply cannot finish his meal. With Satan getting ahead of him, he passes off the meal to the group of 5,000 men gathered around him. They are all fed, with leftovers. Jesus continues programming.
By 2 PM, both Satan and Jesus are getting rather dehydrated, so they stop for a water break. To get even for the loaves and fishes trick earlier, Jesus pours Satan some water, but secretly turns it into wine. If Satan is drunk, his coding can't be perfectly formatted.
2:59 rolls around. Satan has typed 5,638 lines of code, while Jesus has only typed 5,277. The crowd is tense as they race towards the finish line. Suddenly, God steps in, pulls the plugs on both computers, and loudly announces "JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH WINS! SATAN WILL NOT RE-ENTER HEAVEN!"
Satan is furious. "How can this be?" He asks. "I had far more lines of code than Jesus! My code was perfectly formatted, too!"
Jesus taunts Satan. "Well I don't see your code, Satan. It must have been lost when the computers were shut off."
"Your computer was shut off, too!" Satan retorts. "I guess neither of us win!"
God, rather proud of his son at this point, walks over and turns back on both computers. Predictably, Satan's coding cannot be found, but when Jesus's computer is booted back up, his program is right there on the desktop. God opens it, and it runs like a charm.
"How can this be?" Satan snarls. "I finished more coding! It should be there! I should've won this!"
"Satan, my friend," God says, "You have made a grave mistake. See, you may code faster, and perhaps even better than my son, but Jesus...
Jesus saves."
The robots are coming.
The robots are coming.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors
February 11, 2017 at 08:22PM
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