Funny Story

FunnyStory about animals and all around the world

Thứ Ba, 31 tháng 10, 2017

Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.

Tickets are non-refundable....

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle"....

A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom...

The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"...

Why was Kevin Spacey so good at Blackjack?

He knew to hit on everything under 17...

What's the best part of a car?

Damn, ruined the punchline....

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning....

What's the difference Between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware Standard....

Just saw a guy wearing t-shirt that read "truth+God=life"

Thank god I'm good at math. Truth = life - God...

Woman Catches World Series Home Run, Guy Grabs It And Throws It Back

Woman Catches World Series Home Run, Guy Grabs It And Throws It Back Baseball's unwritten rules strike again. October 30, 2017 at 08:57PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2iISy...

My mother always said the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach

Lovely woman, TERRIBLE surgeon...

A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!" I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."...

I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem....

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects the whole world together, so I can ride everywhere?" The genie explains that while he is magic, he doesn't possess the power to grand him a wish of that magnitude, and asked the man to pick another wish. The man says "well, my other passion is reading jokes...

Dad didn't like what I got him for Christmas.

"You cunt!" he snapped. "You always buy me socks!" "Chill out," I replied. "It's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes that he would have kicked me in the head right then, if he had legs....

An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in which you die." The officer nods, and replies "If you'll just bring me my sidearm, and a single round, I'll take care of it for you." They do as he asks, and he shoots himself in the head. Next, the chief speaks to the Naval officer. He gives him the same...

I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in

She said, "You Can't do this to me!" I said, "I know..... that's why I'm doing it to her...

Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,

they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to an Old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with aged people for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the...

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist. Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you...

Thứ Hai, 30 tháng 10, 2017

A soldier ran up to a nun...

.. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher,...

Maria the maid asked for a 20% pay increase.

The wife in the household was not eager about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why should you get a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I should get an increase.. The first is that I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.' Wife (really...

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 Years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, He finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and Ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman In years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN...do...

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"...

A man tries for a job as a blacksmith

"Do you have any experience in horseshoeing?" "No, but I once told a donkey to f**k off."...

Why are plants so thin?

They always eat light....

I don’t always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house...

But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!...

Welcome to Masturbators Anonymous.

I'm disappointed that you all came today....

What's the most popular drink ordered at bars?

One more...

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"

"A harp", I replied. "No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested. So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"...

Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike?

Employee discounts...

I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!...

Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy"

and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol....

Puerto Rico’s utility cancels controversial $300 million contract with Montana firm hired to repair electrical grid

Puerto Rico’s utility cancels controversial $300 million contract with Montana firm hired to repair electrical grid Gov. Ricardo Rosselló said the contract has become a distraction in getting help for hurricane-stricken island. October 30, 2017 at 03:30AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2zOZG...

A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys. He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don't let him do that; it will disgrace our family." Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes...

A conversation with a genie

Genie: What is your first wish? Steve: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. Second wish? Rich: I want lots of money....

Two Wind turbines are in a field.

One turns to the other and asks: " what is your type of music ?" "i'm a huge metal fan"...

What do you do with sick chemists?

If you can't helium or curium, you barium....

Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 10, 2017

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say-

-A E I O U...

A group of men end up stranded on an island full of cannibals...

They are taken up by the cannibals and say that they will give them certain tasks each day and if they do not complete the tasks, they will be killed and eaten. The first day, the cannibals instruct the men to gather 10 of a fruit of their choice and afterwards they will give them further instructions from there. The first man comes back with ten apples. The leader of the cannibals tell him to stick it up his butt without making noises or facial expressions. The man doesn't get through the first fruit without making a scream. He is then killed...

In a mental hospital, a doctor visited 3 of his patients

he saw patient 1 reading a book and says "Wow, you're improving" patient 1 says, "I'm just reading a book" then, he saw patient 2 writing and says "Wow, you're improving too" patient 2 says, "I'm just writing a poem" But then, he saw patient 3 sitting on the table the doctor exclaimed "what are you doing?!" patient 3 says, "No Doc, I am lamp" when the doctor dragged patient 3 down the table, he heard patients 1 and 2 shouting: ""WHO THE FUCK TURNED OFF THE LIGHT!""...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'...

If your girlfriend starts smoking..

Use some lubricant....

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of...

Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier....

When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed...

My name... my address... my phone number...

is it crazy how saying sentences backwards . . .

. . .create backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?...

A man sits next to Albert Einstein on a flight

Einstein says to the man, "This will be a long flight, so let's play a game. I will ask you a question and if you cannot answer it you will give me $5. But if you ask me a question that I cannot answer, I will give you $500." Thinking $100 to $1 is a good deal, the man says "Ok, you go first." Einstein asks, "How far is the moon from the Earth?" The man has no idea how far the moon is from the Earth and says, "I do not know the answer, so here is $5," and hands Einstein $5. "Now it is your turn," Einstein says. "What goes up the mountain with...

I went to the zoo today and saw a bagel locked up in a cage.

Apparently it was bread in captivity....

What's the difference between a pickpocket and peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change....

There’s precedent for Amazon competing with so many companies. It doesn’t end well.

There’s precedent for Amazon competing with so many companies. It doesn’t end well. Perhaps no other company in history has sold so many different products (354 million) while competing against so many other companies (hundreds). In the past, that power hasn't lasted. Amazon is betting it will be different. October 29, 2017 at 01:03AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2z0cs...

777

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam... His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the...

Assist is 50% the letter "S"...

The rest are just there to help....

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat. The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?" The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead. The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!" One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!" The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly...

A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...

And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”...

Curious Little Johnny

asks his Grandpa, "Do you still have sex with Grandma?" "Yes son, but only oral sex." "What is that?" "I say fuck you, she says fuck you too."...

Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 10, 2017

I’m a virgin by choice...

Not my choice, but everyone else’s......

I didn't know what to wear to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...

So I just came in my pants....

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most

Britain is in the lead, but America has A Trump card...

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume....

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was....

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."  "What do you mean?"  "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."  "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.  "Normally, yes. But...

If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because...

4:22 is 4:20 too....

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day

And asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”...

Studies show that 98.9% of men masturbate

The rest don't have arms....

What do you call a mouse on 2 legs

Friend "i dont know" Me "mickey mouse" Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs" Friend "donald duck" Me " all ducks idiot"...

Student walks into professor's office

She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?" The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?" "I'd do anything," she answers coyly, playing with her hair. "Anything?" "Anything!" she repeats with a knowing grin. "Would you....study?"...

Why do you never see elephants hiding in the trees?

Because they're really good at it....

So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...

so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones....

Two American Women Rescued After Five Months at Sea

Two American Women Rescued After Five Months at Sea With a broken mast rigging, a disabled engine and with distress calls out of range, two American women have been rescued after being at sea for five months, the U.S. Navy and the lucky mariners said Thursday. October 27, 2017 at 09:21PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2yQvH...

A hot girl asked me whether I wanted to see a movie.

She said, "Which movie would you like to see?". I said, "You pick". She said, "No you pick". I said, "I don't care, you pick". She said, "Please decide fast sir, there are other people waiting to buy tickets". [A forward that I received from my SO today]...

Dad: Son! What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

Son: I want to be a Pizza delivery boy or a plumber. Dad: Stop watching porn son....

The creator of Mad Libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped....

Who's in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts...

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity. He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning. He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium....

Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 10, 2017

[NSFW] A man down on his luck walks into a Brothel...

A man down on his luck walks into a Brothel and approaches the woman at the counter. Not expecting much, he weakly asks the woman: "I've only got two dollars to spend, what can that get me?" The woman sighs loudly: "Basic missionary, and she won't do anything but take it." Surprised, he slaps down his two dollars almost instantly. "Give them a minute to get her ready." The man enters his purchased room to see his prize tied to the bed, blindfolded and ball-gagged. Without a second thought, he strips down and goes to town. The man finishes sometime...

prison may be just one word to you

but to others, it's a whole sentence...

I actually wanted to post a time traveling joke

but you guys didn't like it...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.  The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"  "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom.  Otherwise, they are gong to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, and collection donations.  How much is everyone giving, an on average? the driver asks....  The man replied, "Roughly 2 liters" *Edit : I apologise for any grammatical errors....

A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."...

A man asked God

"God, where can i find the love of my life?" God answered "Love can be found on every corner" And then god made earth round...

I was in a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do…" Then I said "turn left"...

Another interview joke

During a job interview, the interviewer asks, “I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?” The applicant responds, “I went to Yale.” Excited, the interviewer says, “Yale?!? You’re hired!” The applicant replies, “Yay! I got a yob!”...

My doctor asked if I wanted an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be down with that....

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"...

I need glasses to see my family

Specifically, two glasses of scotch....

A new American revolution is starting in New England—against Daylight Saving Time

A new American revolution is starting in New England—against Daylight Saving Time The Eastern Time Zone spans Maine to Michigan. Parts of eastern New England are dark many waking hours of the day, with the sun setting before 4pm in winter. October 26, 2017 at 08:49PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2zGrM...

A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.

The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?" The priest replied, "Only water, officer." The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?" The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."...

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff ? [original joke].

Because that's where students have the most potential...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely...

Most men like to be woken up with sex

except the ones in jail...

Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well...

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight....

I like my women like I like my whiskey

12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke....

Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 10, 2017

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted." The barman...

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.

Thankfully it was just a fanta sea....

Only Anti-vaxxers will get this

Measels...

Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing....

Why is Yoda the worst copilot?

"Yoda, are we still going the right way?" "Off course we are"...

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."...

What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing....

Duck hunting in a village

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in a village. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in this side of the planet and, if you don't...

Donald Trump somehow makes it to the Pearly Gates

After a long life, and a tumultuous presidency, Donald J Trump dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asks an angel, "What are all those clocks?" The angel answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," says Trump, "whose clock is that?" "That's Washington's clock. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie." "Tremendous" says Trump. "And whose clock is that one?" The angel responds, "That's...

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves...

What could the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't?

End a race....

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.” “Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.” “OK,” he says, “how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time sake?” “Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers. There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two...

Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 10, 2017

My penis just entered the Guinness Book of World Records!

Then the librarian caught me....

One afternoon a lawyer is riding in his limousine

While on his ride, he notices 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He stops, concerned a bit to talk to the 2 men. He gets out of his limousine and goes up to one of the men and asks "Hey man, why are you eating grass? Man 1: Well, you see, when your homeless and have nothing to eat this is sometimes what we have to resort to Lawyer: I see, that's no way to live, why don't you come over to my place and I'll get you something to eat Man 1: Id love to but me and my family of 3 couldn't possibly take up that offer He then points to his family...

6:30 is the best time on a clock

.hands down....

Two guys are walking in the woods when

Two guys are walking in the woods when a wolf attacks them. They suffer a few bites, but they get patched up and go about their lives. The next month, on the next full moon, they suddenly change into wolves and run in the woods and kill a deer and do other wolf stuff. In the morning they wake back up as humans. The first guy starts losing it. “Oh my god!” He shouts. “We are wolves!” The second guys goes to calm him down. “No, now, we are humans. We werewolves.”...

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. Because we are efficient and not very funny....

Want to hear a word i just made up?

Plagiarism....

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered...

Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon...

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."...

GOP Senator Announces Retirement, Blasts Trump In Senate Floor Speech

GOP Senator Announces Retirement, Blasts Trump In Senate Floor Speech "I have children and grandchildren to answer to, and so, Mr. President, I will not be complicit." October 25, 2017 at 02:41AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2i39f...

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot...

They’re both cauldron....

Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 10, 2017

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The...

Cops turned up at my place last night

"I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a car..." I said "Yes but she has a great personality."...

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this...

Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...

...never to be heard from again....

A man's choice

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs,...

Would you remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND:...

Goalkeeper Learns The Hard Way Why You Don't Celebrate A Missed Penalty Too Soon

Goalkeeper Learns The Hard Way Why You Don't Celebrate A Missed Penalty Too Soon ​This sequence of events seems almost perfectly constructed to be a parable about the virtues of not counting your chickens before they've hatched. October 23, 2017 at 08:58PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2l8ZL...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard....

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed... The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded....

I just opened up a Facebook page for Chinese Nazis

It has three Reichs so far...

If your boat turns upside down you can wear it on your head

It's capsized....

A girl walks into a bar.

Says to the bartender, "I'd like a double entendre, please." So he gives it to her....

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared...

John McCain Calls Trump Out For Dodging Draft In Shadiest Way Possible

John McCain Calls Trump Out For Dodging Draft In Shadiest Way Possible Bone spurs, eh? October 23, 2017 at 07:32PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2zxpF...

Sex frog

[Long] A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as...

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates'...

Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 10, 2017

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant......

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed..ha..ha.ha

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him... She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... Why are you down here at this time of night!? The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember...

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back....

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it...

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me,

"Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh...

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them....

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. "Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from...

Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."

Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..." Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You bastard!" You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener....

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens...

What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks?

Amusement parks have realistic height requirements....

I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.

I won’t be leaving the house. (Heard this on the podcast “Fake the Nation” and thought you all would like it.)...

Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing

Well, except Chris Brown....

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"...

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed...

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence....

A redditor walks into r/jokes...

The redditor notices the subs new avatar and immediately leaves....

California Restaurant Admits It's Been Serving Popeyes Chicken for Months

California Restaurant Admits It's Been Serving Popeyes Chicken for Months The restaurant's Yelp page is now a hotbed of one-star reviews. But the owner insists she didn't do anything wrong. October 23, 2017 at 12:31AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2yzW9...

A man walks into a bar... (kinda long)

A man walks into a bar and orders his first drink, about 5 minutes later he calls the bartender down. He tells the bartender "I bet you $200 I can bite my eyeball." The bartender quickly agrees as he sees this as easy money. The man then pops out his glass eye and bites it. "Damn it that's not fair!" the bartender exclaims. "Ok" says the man, "I'll give you a chance to make your money back. I'll bet you another 200 I can bite my ear." The bartender carefully looks at both of his ears, and they are both very real. He agrees to the bet but is dismayed...

Doctor: it looks like you are pregnant madame.

Lady: Wow, I'm pregnant? Doctor: No, but you look like it....

Say what you will about people who fuck horses,

but at least they're in a stable relationship....

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you."

So I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right....

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When...

I'd really like to start a career in mirror washing

It's something I could really see myself doing....

Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 10, 2017

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS......

On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven. So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed. The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed. But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke. God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet" The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"...

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..." The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment...

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?" "Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age." I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."...

A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions for a while

A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions while he is out. The first person to arrive it's a gorgeous woman, who says: -Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex with some random guy in a bar. The nun, shocked doesn't know what Penance to give to the Lady, but an altar boy was passing by so she asks him: -What does the Priest give to people for anal sex? -Usually a hamburger and a coke....

I'm a virgin by choice.

Not my choice, but everyone else's....

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."...

Dogs Make Facial Expressions, But Only When They've Got An Audience

Dogs Make Facial Expressions, But Only When They've Got An Audience Findings suggest that dogs use facial expressions to communicate with humans — a trait that may have emerged as a result of domestication. October 22, 2017 at 01:58AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2l7dt...

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief. Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." Chief: "How important? A governor or something?" Cop:...

What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They're both meat substitutes....

"I see", said the blind carpenter

As he tripped over his hammer and saw...

Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 10, 2017

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taken a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out....

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions....

If I got 50 cents every time I failed a maths exam...

I’d have about $6.30 by now....

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am

I'm not really a mourning person....

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."...

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money....

Never assume that your boss knows what he is doing.

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, ”This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?” “Certainly,” said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper and pushed the start button. “Excellent,excellent!” said the CEO as the paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy; can you do that for me?”...

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!” I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!” “Yes, but not from the high dive!”...

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time....

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not....

What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your pool?

Throw in your laundry....

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives...

An atheist, vegan, and crossfitter walk into a bar

I don't know what happened because I left...

A woman asks her husband...

A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."...

The Boomtown That Shouldn’t Exist

The Boomtown That Shouldn’t Exist Cape Coral was built on total lies. One big storm could wipe it off the map. Oh, and it’s also the fastest-growing city in the United States. October 20, 2017 at 10:49PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2yCwE...

What do politicians and porn stars have most in common?

They’re experts at switching positions in front of camera....

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is

I told him, "My door is always open"....

Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'....

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"...

How do you piss off a female archeologist?

Find a used tampon and ask her what period it's from....

Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he...

I was running late after playing a round of golf, so I left my clubs with my friend, stuffed a bunch of the balls in my pants pockets and got on a bus...

I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets. Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"...

Not sure if this is a repost or not but it made it into my FB feed

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on...

A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.

As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything! "I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and clean it I would gladly feed her as much as she could eat. Well, when she said she would work for food, she was telling nothing but God's honest truth, and you can see for yourself, the yard's cleaner than we've ever seen it. "After an effort like that, three...

Did you hear about the gay French baker?

Faguette...

My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit...

I tell her that they /r/jokes....

Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 10, 2017

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed...

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"...

Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her. And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!...

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted....

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby...

...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby....

Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 10, 2017

Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.

He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver: 'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200' The cab driver responds, 'Right, how do I know you're not just scamming me? You can walk back to your stupid village.' Since there are no other taxis around, Engelbert indeed has to walk all the way back to his village, which takes him 4.5 hours. He is not happy, as you...

I’m deathly afraid of elevators

I’m gonna start taking steps to avoid them...

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!" "We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."...

What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat?

The soldier knew what he signed up for....

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper......

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else? "They're all at the funeral."...

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"...

Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in." He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort in a bad business suit and says, "Tell me your story." "Okay," says the man. "I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I...

One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest." The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the heroin, then back at the Rabbit, and then threw the needle away. The two then proceeded to run though the forest. While running through the forest they came upon a sheep. This sheep was about to smoke a joint. The rabbit looked at he sheep...

What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar prefer?

Her/She...

My first day as a car salesman...

Customer: Cargo space? Me: Car no do that. Car no fly. Manager: Can I see you in my office?...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world"...

This Is What A 21st-Century Police State Really Looks Like

This Is What A 21st-Century Police State Really Looks Like Far from the booming metropolis of Beijing, China is building a sprawling system that combines dystopian technology and human policing. "It's a kind of frontline laboratory for surveillance." October 18, 2017 at 09:36PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2gsxj...

I made a graph of my past relationships...

The data was plotted on an ex axis and why axis....

My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.

The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous....

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later the appraiser calls him: "I've finished my analysis, and I've got some good news. There's no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius." The man is ecstatic: "I can sell these for millions!" The appraiser says "Well,...

A guy goes to the doctor.

A guy goes to the doctor. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."...

Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 10, 2017

What’s the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon....

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to. The Queen is more powerful than the King. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory. Most importantly, there's only one Queen....

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: "Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it...

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew...

I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?" He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."...

In school, we had an assembly on bullying

The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal abuse he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?'. Apparently, 'Up the arse!' wasn't a suitable answer....

Where do horses go when they break a leg?

The Horse-pital! Just kidding, they get shot....

My neighbors are listening to really good music

Whether they like it or not...

My friend told me that he was having sex with a star.

I said "Are you fucking Sirius?"...

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money Me: well this night took a SHARP turn later Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs...

The seven dwarfs are in church

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest. Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are...

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in...

She claimed tall, blond aliens kidnapped her as a child. Now she’s running for Congress.

She claimed tall, blond aliens kidnapped her as a child. Now she’s running for Congress. Several years before the 59-year-old announced her candidacy for Congress, Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera appeared on TV and talked in great detail about her experiences with aliens. October 17, 2017 at 08:14AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2xKPE...

How do cute animals like their meat?

r/aww...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty...

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."...

What's the difference between a Taliban Base and a hospital?

I don't know, I just fly the drone...

The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning.

They found trace amounts of Coke in his system....

A little Tap on the Driver's Shoulder By the Passenger.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve...

Welsh pub

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?" "No," replied the man, "I'm from London." "So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a living then?" "I'm a taxidermist." Replied the man. "A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them do?" "Well," replied the man, "I mount animals." The bartender then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's o.k. lads, he's one of us!"...

Thứ Ba, 17 tháng 10, 2017

What do you call a stolen tesla?

An Edison...

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run....

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing....

How do you know if you have a high sperm count

She has to chew before she can swallow...

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it"...

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!" Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"...

What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates

1) Good shirt. 2) Nice. A second good shirt. 3) OK, the first shirt again. 4) He has two shirts....

Astronomers Observe First-Ever 'Kilanova' — Here's What's Going On

Astronomers Observe First-Ever 'Kilanova' — Here's What's Going On On Monday, astronomers announced a hugely exciting new discovery: For the first time ever, they've observed two neutron stars colliding — and creating gravitational waves. October 16, 2017 at 10:06PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2yNyW...

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One or two? One or two?...

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral. "You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it." "I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied. By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" "I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."...

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3" I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand....

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.

Radish Edit: Source: Am a dad...

Thứ Hai, 16 tháng 10, 2017

There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?” “Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.” Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?” “Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.” Then Brick asked his mom, “NYANYANYANYA”...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knights and thirty squires with many horses and wagons laden with food and wine. The second being well-off sent ten knights and twenty squires as well as several wagons of food and drink. The last kingdom had only one knight who was very aged and rather decrepit...