FunnyStory about animals and all around the world
Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)
Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)
Play game and comfortable :)
Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.
The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."
The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."
The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor replied, "That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it is all bullshit.
In a religion that person is dead.
They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!.”
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”
Just as he is lifting his hand to his mouth a passing shepherd yells out "Dinnae drink frae that, mister, it's all full o' coo piss an' shite!"
The hiker turns and in cut-glass accents replies "My good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says, "I'm so sorry, sir, I was saying that you should cup your two hands together if you want to get a proper drink!"
I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, no sex tonight either!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said “I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now $1,500."
One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law”
So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise and mix them all up together, it tastes really nice. – Coles Law.”
"Dear Jack, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Dad"
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden! That's where the bodies are buried. Love Jack"
At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son.
"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Jack"
Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband: (sobbing) It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer...... (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!"
Walter replied, "Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
The dad replies "Well, let me explain using an example.
Go to your sister and ask her if she'll have sex with the Kyle, the kid next door, for fifty thousand dollars."
The boy goes to his teenage sister and asks. The sister thinks and says "Yeah, I think I would."
The boy tells his dad about his sister's answer.
The dad says "Okay, now go ask your mother if she'd have sex with Kyle's dad for fifty thousand dollars."
The boy asks his mother. His mom says "Y'know, I think I would."
The boy tells his dad the answer.
So the dad says "Well, let's put it this way. In theory, we have a hundred thousand dollars. In reality . . . we have a couple of whores."
u/wolfir I think it was if not I'm sorry:<
His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".
Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A man walks up to a woman at a bar and breaks the ice with:
"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"
She ponders for a moment and answers: "Hmm, yeah, I would."
"Would you sleep with me for $5?"
"What do you think I am, a prostitute?"
"I thought we already established that and were now haggling the price."
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "that's my altar ego."
“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood.
Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead
Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school
Dad: and why’s that ?
Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...
Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?
Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!
Next day
Little Johnny: Dad did you go to see my teacher?
Dad : No
Little Johnny: Don’t bother. You’ll need to see the principal now.
Dad: what now ?!?
Little Johnny: the PE teacher asked me to lift my left arm first, then my right arm, then my left foot and then my right foot !
Dad: what the fuck ! Were you supposed to stand on your Dick?
Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said!
Next day
Little Johnny: Dad did you see my principal?
Dad: not yet. I’ll go tomorrow.
Little Johnny: too late. I’ve been suspended for for a week now.
Dad: and what’s that for?
Little Johnny: I was called to the principal’s office today. The math teacher, PE teacher and the English teacher were already there.
Dad: what the fuck did the mother fucking English teacher have to do with any of this fuck wittery?
Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !!!
She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.
Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-
Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.
Blonde: How about my car? It is right in front of the bank entrance.
The teller takes a look through the glass door: Very well, this car is valuable enough.
The blonde and the teller exchange keys and loan. After that, the blonde walks off with her trolleys and gets to her airplane.
Two weeks later she returns to the bank with her trolleys and sees the teller she had received her loan from 2 weeks ago.
The blonde approaches the teller: Hello mister. I have taken a loan of $1000,- from you and I wish to return it today and get my car back.
Teller: Very well, I accept your payment of $1000,- with an additional $5,- as interest. If you pay off the total of $1005,- , then you will get your car keys back.
The blonde and the teller exchange the money for the car keys. Before the blonde walks off, the teller asks her one last question.
Teller: Excuse my curiosity, but why did you leave your car for security in exchange of that small amount of money?
The blonde smiles back: Because nowhere else you can park that close to an airport for just 5 bucks for two weeks.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
He says: "Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."
The bartender does just that and hands him the bill. The drunk goes: "Oh I don't have enough money"
The bartender slaps him a few times and tosses him out.
The next day the same guy walks into the bar, drunk again.
He says: Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."
The bartender thinks that no-one would be stupid enough to pull that trick twice, so he gives the drunk the benefit of the doubt and pours everyone a drink, including himself.
He hands the drunk the bill and, just like last time, he goes: "I don't have enough money."
The bartender slaps him silly and tosses him out.
The next day he walks in Again, and says: "Pour everyone on this side of the bar a drink."
The bartender goes: "What, no drink for me?"'
The guy says: "No way, you get violent when you drink!"
(From my favourite radio stations "Joke of the day")
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go".......
And asks "What are you doing father?",
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing it soon."
"Why father?" Jimmy asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me"
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone.
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" Asked the doctor.
"No. This is her husband."
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
Bifrosties
*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys
The employee tells her the parrot has been living in a brothel (whorehouse) for a big part of his life. He learned some naughty words there, but he advised her to put a blanket on the parrot's cage for about 3 weeks, the parrot will soon forget the dirty talk. The employee even promised the woman a money back guarantee when she wouldn't be satisfied with the purchase.
The lady decides to purchase the parrot and brings him back home. As soon as she gets home she puts the blanket over the parrot's cage, after 3 weeks it's time to take the blanket off.
The parrot looks around the room and says: "You did some renovating ma'am? Looking good!"
A bit later the ladies' daughters walked in, and the parrot mentions: "I see you got some new girls too!?"
Later that day the lady's husband comes home and she hears the parrot's relieved voice saying: "Aaah finally, a familiar face!"
Out of breath he asked, "Please, can I hide under your skirt. I will explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."
The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"
...but no wish for more wishes, more genies, or more lamps, ha!
Me (being a smartass): I wish you were reaaaaally bad at counting.
Genie: Sure boy, you have zero wishes left.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down?!"
He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!"
The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. I'll take your bet." Blindfolded, the old trapper feels the pelt. "Otter... killed with bow." The taker laughs and buys the old man a drink.
More followed "White tail deer, killed by musket! Squirrel, by snare!" It wasn't long until every trapper and hunter in the tavern had their turn. Drunkenly, the old man stumbled home and crawled into bed.
He woke in the morning with a splitting headache, a fat lip and a black eye! "I don't remember getting into a fight! I did my trick last night and got real drunk, but I know I didn't fight anyone!"
His wife yells and says "I did it, you old coot! You crawled into bed, shoved your hand down my panties and said 'Skunk, killed with an axe!'"
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
Me: But you said 3!
Genie: Sue me
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can’t wear your pants," she said. "That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!" She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"
His wife comes Into the room and asks him what his watching.
The man responds: “Our wedding tape”
Angrily, another patron gets up and yells back "Watch your mouth! That is offensive to me!"
The first man responds and laughs "Are you upset because I called you an asshole???!!!"
The angry patron says "No! I'm offended you compared me to a lawyer!"
The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.
After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!
The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
So the blonde heads out to the swamp absolutely determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day the shopkeeper drives by and noticed the Young lady waist deep in water with a shotgun in her hands.
He stops and watches as a very large alligator swims right at her. With lighting fast reflexes she throws the gun up and shoots the alligator killing it instantly.
He keeps watching as she drags the alligator to a pile of 6 or 7 more. As he rolls down the window to ask why she needs so many Gators for one pair of boots she rolls it over and shouts.
AHHHH THIS ONES BAREFOOT TOOO!
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to it’s tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to it’s tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner. The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to it’s tank and asked ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my fucking shoes on’
He’s ready to tee off when he hears a frog, “ribbit, 9 iron”
The man is confused, but the frog speaks again, “ribbit, 9 iron”
To prove the frog wrong, the man pulls out his 9 iron and swings at the ball.
Hole in one.
The man bends down and says “you must be a lucky frog”
The frog replies, “ribbit, lucky frog”
The man takes the frog to the next hole and the frog goes, “ribbit, 3 wood”
The man pulls out a three wood and swings.
Hole in one.
“Wow you really are a lucky frog, what’s next?” the man asks.
“Ribbit, Vegas.”
So the man takes the frog to the casino and walks up to the roulette table and asks the frog, “what’s the bet?”
“Ribbit, $6000, black, 6.”
“That’s a million-in-one bet,” the man says. He puts down the bet anyways and he hits.
The man then goes and gets the most expensive penthouse in all of Vegas.
“How can I ever repay you?” the man asks.
“Ribbit, kiss me”
So he kisses the frog and it turns into a 15 year old girl
and THAT your honor, is how she ended up in my room last night
One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"
"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"
"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.
"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?"
"Well, our neighbour was painting his fence with a toothbrush." said Paddy. "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"
A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health."
The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old."
"By eating chocolates?" The man asked.
"No, by minding his own business." He replied.
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.
...before it cinq.
"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.
"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.
"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.
"Won," radioed the American sub.
A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is."Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer."Oh thats when I went to yale" says the man and the interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot. The man shows his gratitude by saying "Thank you for the yob"
Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents where present.
Whatever, it was a strange funeral.
…Just follow my simple instructions: 1. Hold down the Shift Key 2. Press the number 4 four times.
It's that easy!
The english answers" Yes"
The french answers"we"
The israeli answers "ken"
The spanish answers "si"
The german answers" ya"
No modesty, no decorum. Pissing with the door open. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive.
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing
“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...
Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O,' and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O.' They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.
He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
When she found a lot of bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband “what should we do?”
“I don’t know” said the husband “ but i sure as hell wouldn’t spank him.”
The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”
I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”
The head painter looks at me and says,
“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”
When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door.
"Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard.
The professor turns to the man and says, "He won't tell you. He says that he'd rather die first."
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.
Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"
The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."
The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."
Dear Sir or Madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
Sincerely,
The Internet Provider
One night at dinner, he decides to test it out. He asks his son what he did that afternoon.
His son says, "I did some homework". The robot slaps him.
" Alright, alright." His son says. "I went to my friends house and watched a movie."
"What movie?" The father asks.
"Toy Story." His son says. The robot slaps him.
"Alright, alright." His son says. We watched a porno.
The dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps him.
The mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps her.
"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"
Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"
There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
Me: I wish for mor-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes
Me: I wish for more genies
Genie: Holy shit.
All the new genies: Holy shit.
"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."
The doctor has a look at the pirate's back. "It's OK," he says, "they're benign."
"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."
Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.
After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.
The father asks his kid "what's the matter son?"
The kid replies "where are all the clowns that you say you work with?"
Edit - typo
He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, "Hold on for a minute", and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
"Chief, we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." "How important? A governor or something?" "No sir, he's bigger." "So what, a celebrity??" "More important, sir." "A major politician???" "No sir, he's much bigger than that." "WELL, WHO THE HELL IS HE????"
"Sir, actually, I'm not sure but the pope's his driver."
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke. I probably didn't say it right. The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery.
A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:
“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”
The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and there he was!! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! So I ran inside, and grabbed my hammer and ran back outside and started smashing his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go, and he fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and using all of my might, I grabbed my refrigerator, picked it up, and threw it over the rail and on top of the guy, crushing and killing him!! But all of the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”
Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let the poor soul in.
Another man came walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter told this man the same thing—that in order to get in, he was going to have to make Saint Peter laugh. So the second started to tell Saint Peter how he died.
“Oh man, it was awful! I was doing aerobics out on my 26th story balcony of my apartment, when all of a sudden a flock of birds came out of nowhere and started attacking me! I was trying to get away, but I fell over the edge of my railing! However, on my way down I managed to grab the railing of the apartment below mine...but then this maniac suddenly showed up and started smashing my hands and fingers with a hammer until I let go! Fortunately for me, I landed in some bushes, but then some guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!
Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second guy into heaven, and was realizing he has found a way he could really start enjoying his job! About that time, a 3rd man comes walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter gave him the speech about needing to make him laugh, and asks him how he died.
“Oh man, you’re never going to believe this shit! Alright, so picture this—I’m butt naked and hiding in a refrigerator...”
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..
But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”
“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with those two assholes!”
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know SHIT?"
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
My friend: “Yeah.”
Me: “Cannibal Dan or Dan that can’t spell?”
notification from my friends phone, it’s a text from Dan. “I can’t wait to meat your friends tonight.
My friend: “I’m not sure”
She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.
During the woman's time with him, the king fell hopelessly in love with her, as she was very beautiful. When it came time for her to leave to return to the United States, the king called her into his palace and spoke passionately to her via the interpreter.
"King Paolo begs you to remain here and be his wife. He will grant you any three requests within his power; whatever you ask will be yours."
Flattered but not desiring to remain in the Amazon forever, the woman decided to ask for impossible favors to avoid having to turn the king down and hurt his feelings. "Tell the king that I accept, but if he cannot fulfill my three requests, I must leave immediately. My first wish is for a 50-carat diamond engagement ring and 25-carat bracelets and necklaces to match."
When the request was relayed to him, the king nodded without hesitation and responded in primitive English: "Okay, okay! I buy, I buy!"
The woman frowned, not expecting the king to be able to fulfill the ask. She decided to make the next request truly impossible: "My second wish is to live in a home exactly like this one." She pulled up her phone and displayed a picture of a nine-figure Beverly Hills mansion with three pools, gatehouses, acres of perfectly landscaped property, indoor basketball courts and theatre rooms, the whole nine yards.
When the interpreter explained the request to the king, he waved his hand and nodded eagerly. "Okay, okay, I build! I build!"
He motioned to his nearby advisors, who immediately contacted the finest architects in Brazil to consult on the project. In exchange for several tons of gold, the architects designed an identical residence and brought in several construction companies to begin work immediately. They brought in solar panels and hydroelectric units to power the buildings. Paying triple the usual rate, the king had land cleared and construction completed within days. It was some real Extreme Makeover: Home Edition shit.
Dumbfounded and a bit concerned, as she still had no desire to remain in the rainforest for the rest of her life, the woman went before the king with her final request, determined to come up with something that no amount of money could provide. "Tell the king that the man I marry must have a penis that's 12 inches long."
Looking horrified, King Paolo arose from his throne and strode around the room muttering to himself, first angrily and then sadly. He seemed to be thinking desperately, searching for options. But finally, he shook his head sadly, and spoke in a tone of resignation: "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
They walk to the edge of the cliff and call a soldier over. Putin commands his soldier to jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children."
Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier is about to jump when Putin grabs his arm and stops him.
The North Korean soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children."
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"
Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"
Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?"
Autumn ~ -leaves-
He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and the Mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After awhile the daughter leans over and quietly says to him “I had no idea you were so religious,” to which the boy replies, “I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.”
[most definitely a repost, thought it was funny]
This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message of christ, and was able to convert him, spraying him with water saying, "you were born sick, you were raised sick, but now you are CHRISTIAN!". The idiots neighbors left him alone thinking that was that, but come Friday, and he's still grilling chicken when he should be abstaining. So they began to spy on him to see how he could justify such an act, and they saw him spritz his chicken with holy water, saying "you were born chicken, you were raised chicken, but now, you are FISH!"
idk if this is a repost, but my dad told me this joke as a kid, and I thought it was funny.
My wife came into the bedroom and in a strict voice she said "take my blouse off", so I took her blouse off.
"Take my shoes off", I took her shoes off
"Remove my skirt", I removed her skirt.
"Take my stockings off", slowly I took her stockings off.
"Now remove my bra", I removed her bra.
"Take my knickers off", I pulled her knickers off.
Standing there totally naked, she said "never let me catch you wearing my clothes ever again"
The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.
I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"
"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."
We came up on a red light and again he sped through the intersection.
I'm seriously concerned for my life now "Would you please drive more carefully."
"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way and we have been fine."
Then we came up on a green light and the cabbie came to a dead stop.
I got curious "Why are you stopped at a green light?"
"Oh, I gotta be careful cause one of my buddies could be driving on the other street."
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.
And now we wait.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters.
When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address.
Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it.
The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
Ding-dong, ding-dong.
Ding-dong, ding-dong.
Ding-dong, Ding-dong.
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."
The three inmates are baffled and each determined to make it to freedom.
"I will need a lab and this list of materials and tools" Says the German, to which the warden replies : "Granted!"
"Give me three assistants and these things" Says the Japanese, as he hands over a list of various items, "Granted!" Says the warden.
"A dozen of whores, lots of booze and weed please!" Says the Italian, the warden is surprised, but decides to give him what he demands.
A month later, the warden comes back to check on the results of the convicts' work and starts with the German : "I've made a rocket that will travel to the moon, make a turn around it and come back to its exact takeoff position in less than one minute"
A live test ensues and the rocket makes it around the moon but lands 100 feet away from its initial position. Amazed, the warden says "We might have a winner here!"
"I've made a jet that travels at the speed of light, it will fly around the earth and come back to its exact takeoff position in less than a second" says the Japanese.
No one believed him at first, but he presses a button and sure enough the jet does fly around earth and lands 50 feet away from its starting position in a blink of an eye.
Everyone is astonished, "Impressive! You might have won this, but let's see what the Italian made before I make my judgement" Says the warden.
"I will now pee out of my belly button" Replies the confident Italian man. Everyone's jaw drops, and they wonder how he would do that.
The Italian proceeds to take his pants off, whip out his penis and pee like any other person would.
"But that's not your belly button!" Complains the confused warden.
"No it's not", says the Italian, "but you forgive the German for 100 feet, the Japanese for 50 feet, and you're complaining about less than 10 inches?!"
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
He's looking around when he comes upon a hallway full of people. At the other end of the hallway he sees a boxer just knocking people out one at a time. So, he quickly pushes past all of the people and asks the boxer,
"Excuse me sir, is this the punchline?"
Tom: holding cup do it to my tea!
Magician: waves hand done!
om: holding cup it didn’t work.
He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and locked the door, and the coffin broke right through. He ran up the stairs. The coffin went up the stairs. He locked himself in the bathroom, and closed the door in a blind panic. The coffin hit the door. It hit the door, hit it, and hit it again. The guy grabbed the closest object he could to defend himself. He grabbed cough medicine. The coffin broke through the door. The man threw the cough medicine at the coffin, and the coffin stopped.
I asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures.
He said no, they had to stay on the walls.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”
BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM
A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.
While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 28th, three times just yesterday, and very
likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
Man: My first wish is that I want all lawyers to disappear.
Genie: Done,now you have zero wishes left.
Man: What?! You can't do that,I still have my two wishes remaining.
Genie: Sue me.
John: "Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"
John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk"
Cop: "Holy shit!"
The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.
Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?"
John: "Sure"
John had his license
Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?"
John: "Sure"
It was his car
Chief: "Could you open your glove box?"
John: "Sure"
There were no weapons
Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?"
John: "Be my guest"
There were no bodies in the trunk
Chief: "Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk"
John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at her and says, "I think I'll have the soup."
A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with a coin toss, and afterward they just ran around hitting each other screaming get the quarterback! get the quarterback!”
They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’
And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".
A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.
She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"
A little later the wife left and came home a few hours later. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner waiting for her and all the dirty clothes washed and folded.
She called to her husband. "Honey did you do all this for me?"
Husband: "No. The lady next door heard us earlier and after you left, offered to help me do all those things I asked you to do in exchange for either fixing her car or fucking her brains out."
Wife: "So did you fix her car?"
Husband: "Do I look like a fucking mechanic to you?"
I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.
Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..
He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..
He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after examining the penis of the men standing in the line..
If she points to a wrong man,then she and her husband will be executed.
The first woman nervously stepped out and she kept touching the penises until she found her husbands and declared it.... Genghis was disappointed that she succeeded.
Then the second woman came forward. She was so nervous that she kept touching each penis for a long time and kept thinking for a while before rejecting them. She too recognized her husband's penis.
Now Genghis got really angry. So he decide to stand in the line posing as villager to confuse them.
The third woman started. She hardly took more than few seconds for each penis while thinking out loud "Not him" "Not him either"..
This continued until she touched Genghis's penis. She stopped for a while and thought really hard
"Not from our village" she muttered and moved on
The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his dick.
So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his cock.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: “First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.”