It was Celsius because he had a degree.
Thứ Bảy, 31 tháng 7, 2021
A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?"
The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!"
He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?
A man goes bear hunting in the woods
He finds a rather large bear and it spots him. He tries to shoot it but misses. The bear swats the gun out of his hands and trows him to the ground. Then rips his pants off and fucks him in the ass.
A few days later the now very sore hunter come back with a much larger rifle and attempts to shoot the same bear. But the rifle is so big that he has trouble aiming it before the bear manages to get to him and knock it out of his hands. The bear trows him to the ground again and rips his pants off to once again fuck him in the ass.
A week later the hunter returns with a WWII bazooka he got on the black market. He finds the bear and attempts to shoot it, but the old untested bazooka malfunctioned and didn't fire. So the bear threw the hunter to the ground again, turns him over and pulls his pants down.
But just before the bear has it's way with him again, it pauses and says "Hey something tells me that you don't come here for the hunting."
The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's penis and began to work back.
'Dear Lord,' The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your balls?'
The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'Afghanistan.'
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.
Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.
One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, I wouldn't do one thing different!"
So Caesar said, "You will be put into the Colosseum, where you will be forced to do battle with men and vicious beasts. The people of Rome will delight in the spectacle of your death." And the tribunes heard and nodded at one another in agreement; for they could think of no more fitting a punishment. Because, after all, he was glad 'e ate 'er.
Two 5 yr old twin brothers are laying in bed one night discussing how to act more grownup around mom and dad.
Suddenly one of the brothers says, "why don't we curse like grownups"? The other brother says, "great idea, what should we say". "I'll curse like daddy and say Aw Hell". "Oooh, good one I'll say You bet your sweet ass like mom says". They decide to surprise their mom the next morning at breakfast and are in their seats waiting when she walks into the kitchen. "Ok honey, what do you want for breakfast"? To which one boy replies, "aw hell, I think I'll have some corn flakes". So shocked was she that she immediately pulled him out of his chair and washed his mouth out with soap. She sits him back down and looks over at his brother and glaringly asks, "so what are you having for breakfast"? The little boy looks up with the most serious look on his face and says, "You bet your sweet ass I'm not gonna ask for Corn Flakes".
A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.
"My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!
See you in a week's time!''
A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.
The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"
"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"
Thứ Sáu, 30 tháng 7, 2021
A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]
A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."
The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."
The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"
The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.
After asking the man, he responds with " There is no fucking problem. All I wanna do is cash my 10 million dollar check from winning the lottery and then put it in this goddamn bank!"
The manager responds with "Oh, and is this bitch over here giving you any problems, sir?"
A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.
"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said. "That's great! Who named them?" She asked. "Your husband did. He named the boy Jason." "I like that. What about the girl?" "Jadaughter."
Escaped prisoner robbing a Couple
After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to F*$ You,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You." The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!
Was having dinner with the in laws and the MIL said ….
….’How many potatoes would you like?’
I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’
She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cunt”
In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “That’s correct”, said the boss. Another glass.”It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels.” “Correct.”The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!” The boss collapsed!!.
A woman is surprised when her husband comes home early from his job at the deli...
"Hi, honey," she says. "Um... why are you home so early?"
"Well, babe," he replies. "I'm afraid I got fired today."
"Oh, no! What happened?" she asks sympathetically.
"Well, they caught me putting my dick in the pickle slicer so they fired me."
"WHAT?! Honey, why on Earth would you do something like that? Are you OK? Is your dick alright?"
"Oh, yeah. I'm fine. My dick's just fine," he tells her.
"Well..." she asks. "What happened to the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, they fired her too."
3 men appear at the heavens gate. Next to them an angel appears and starts asking them how they got there
The first one starts telling: “I came home early from a day of work. When I suddenly hear my wife scream upstairs. I rush upstairs and see her laying in bed very frightened.I was going to confront her later but first I needed to catch the bastard. I also see the window open and rush to it only to see a man lying on the garage roof. I thought that was the guy we needed so I grab the cabinet and throw it at him. I got the death sentence
The second guy tells the angle after that: “So I was fixing my motorcycle one day when I got tired. And decided to lie on the garage roof to rest a bit. Then I died.
The third guy speaks absolutely baffled: “so I know of absolutely nothing. I was peacefully sitting in a closet. But suddenly…
Thứ Năm, 29 tháng 7, 2021
A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job
The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”
The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The president shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The guy’s never seen anything like her.
The president says, "I know, she's tough to look at. I could never tell her to her face, though. Also, it’s only fair to let you know she’s as dumb as a stump."
The guy says, “Well, I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it.”
The president says, “I’ll give you a five million dollar salary, a new Mercedes every two years, and I’ll build you a mansion on Long Island.” The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he’s about to hang it on the wall. He climbs the ladder and yells to his wife, “Bring me a hammer.”
She mumbles, “Get the hammer. Get the hammer,” and she brings it to him.
The guy says, “Get me some nails.”
She mumbles, “Get the nails. Get the nails,” and she brings them to him.
The guy starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, “Fuck!”
She mumbles, “Get the bag. Get the bag.”
Guy goes to the bar at the airport before his plane departs when a beautiful young woman sits at the bar beside him..
She is wearing a uniform and he reckons she's obviously an air steward.. He nods at her and says the Qantas slogan "you're the reason we fly" and winks at her.. She ignores him ... "hmm, not Qantas" he thinks, so he tries "Fly the friendly skies"? .. no reaction "OK, it's not United Airlines either" so he tries Delta airlines "Keep climbing" and smiles at her.... Eventually she turns to him and says "What the fuck do you want"? .. "ah" he says, "Ryanair"
Next time you’re feeling down remember life is all about perspective
I have a friend who has sex 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison
Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.
She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.
They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.
This keep going as months turn into years and they fall in love. One day she notices he looks depressed. Scarlett says to him, "Listen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know."
He tells her, "Actually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach." Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it. Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, "BRO! BRO! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman
When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He does none of that, he just sits there entire evening, licking his eyebrows."
A little boy runs up to his father with a question.
"Daddy, daddy!" says the boy, excitedly. "Did you get shot in the army?"
The father looks away and grimaces. The pain is etched clearly on this face. He gets a faraway look in his eye, and a tear rolls down his face, as he says, "No, son..."
"...but I did get shot in the leggy."
Thứ Tư, 28 tháng 7, 2021
An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years
A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"
The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."
The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said fifteen years."
A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American jok. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.
Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”
Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know you’re a foreign spy!”
Smith: “WHAT? No! I’m a real American, I can name all 46 Presidents of the United States, in order, with the dates of their inaugurations and their Vice Presidents.”
Perry: “We still know you’re a spy!”
Smith: “You’re all wrong! I can name all fifty states, US territories, and all their capitals!”
Perry: “We still know you’re a spy!”
Smith: “Wait… I know every word of the national anthem, the pledge of allegiance, the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!”
Perry: “We still know you’re a spy!”
Smith: “Ok, I submit, I’m a Russian spy under a fake name. But… how could you tell?”
Perry: “Because Americans don’t know any of those things.”
A guy picks up a girl
They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.
Suddenly he heard a gasp. The girl was standing at the doorway. Wide eyed she exclaims- “So, thats how you guys fill up”.
A lady goes to the doctor and
complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
I swear autocorrect is amazing.
No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.
No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.
Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.
I didn't even type that.
This fucking thing can do that but I can't correct teh when I mispell it.
...
Wait a minute. I got it.
Autocorrect can suqmabalz. Hah, gottem.
Ireland Declares War on France
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," the President of France replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
The President paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. President, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" The President asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's tractor."
The French President sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
The French President was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin' to ya Mr. President. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says the French President. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners!”
Stuttering Bible Salesman
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?'
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'
'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand... 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?'
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'
The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'
Louie just nodded.
'That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.'
'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'
Louie shrugged.. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.' The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.See this card? I will go wherever I wish.' So the old farmer went about his chores.It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step. The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show him your card!
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.
Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.
So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.
I say to them, “Your brother has sent me down here to have sex with both of you"
They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted upstairs, “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
Thứ Ba, 27 tháng 7, 2021
"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate...!!!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."
Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)
One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"
"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".
"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"
The old feller shakes his head in exasperation with the 'youth of today'. Half an hour later, the kid rides past with 3 chickens bundled up in the chicken wire.
"Well I'll be hornswoggled".
The next day the kid rides past with a roll of duck tape on the handlebars of his bike. The old guy asks:
"Where are you heading with that duck tape son?"
"I'm gonna catch me some ducks down at the pond".
"You don't catch ducks with duck tape son"
The old feller shakes his head in exasperation with the 'youth of today'. Half an hour later, the kid rides past with 3 ducks wrapped up in the duck tape.
"Well I'll be hornswoggled".
The next day the kid rides past with a couple of stalks of pussy willow. The old guys says:
"Hang on a second. I'll get my hat'.
A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries...
A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations.
However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it. The mobsters track him down, but don't find the money on him. As none of them are able to use sign language, they bring in an interpreter.
Mobster: "Where'd you hide the money?" (Interpreter signs the question.)
The bag man signs his reply. The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him."
Mobster: "I'm not fooling around! You better tell me where that money is!" (Interpreter again signs.)
The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth. He had to get rid of it."
The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man's eyes. "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!" (Interpreter signs his statement.)
The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, "It's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet."
The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
Thứ Hai, 26 tháng 7, 2021
After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school
Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business".
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
God will protect me from COVID
When asked to wear a mask, a staunch conservative woman refuses and says "God will protect me from COVID".
When asked to practice social distancing she refuses and says "God will protect me from COVID".
When asked to get vaccinated, she refuses and says "God will protect me from COVID".
Upon contracting COVID and dying, she meets God and asks him, "God, why did you not protect me from COVID?"
To which God replies "What do you mean? I sent you masks, safety guidelines and a vaccine."
An old Jew is on his deathbed.
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."
He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.
So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver
Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold
EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
Chủ Nhật, 25 tháng 7, 2021
Three men were buried under a landslide in China
Three men were buried under a landslide in China.
They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.
The first man made a phone call to the police:
"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"
The police tell him they will come for them in 24 hours
The second man made a phone call to the army:
"Comrade, I served the country as you do, please get me out of here!"
The soldier tell him they will come for them in 12 hours
The final man made a phone call to someone, and made a whisper which the other two man can't hear
Within an hour, the men were dug out and rescued
A group of police officer walks up to the weary men:
"Alright, which one of you said Taiwan is a country?"
A young lady starts a new job as a cashier in an adult novelties store.
The boss gives her the run through "We have white dildos for $10 and bigger black dildos for $20. Got it?" She says she does, and he leaves. Her first customer comes in and the new clerk explains the options available. She chooses the white model, pays and leaves. The second customer wanders in. The clerk goes over the options with her, she purchases the black model and is on her way. Her third customer, a little old Polish lady, comes in some time later. The clerk describes both options, but the new customer asks "How much for the big red one on the wall?" The clerk gently explains the difference between the white and black models, but the customer is adamant about the big red one. When the customer offers the clerk $100, she accepts it. The boss eventually returns and asks how the day went. The clerk replies "Good! I sold a while dildo for $10, a black dildo for $20 and your fire extinguisher for $100!"
A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.
The man hears that the wind is blowing a gail and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep. A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news" The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front door in his bathrobe and slippers. He opens the door and says "What!" Before him stands a man soaked in rainwater who says "Please help me sir. I'm stuck and I need a push" "Fuck off" "Please I just need a push." The man slams the door and goes up to his wife. "What was that?" she asks. "Some guy who wanted me to give him a push because he was stuck. I left it." he replies. "My god" says the wife "You have a terrible memory. Remember Spain last year? That couple? The ones who, despite the fact we didn't know them, helped us change our tyre after we got a flat? Go help that man." So he puts on his robe goes back down opens the door, almost getting knocked over by the wind and sees nothing. He shouts "Where are you!? Where the fuck are you!? The guy that's stuck and needs a push!?" "I'm over here!" "Where!?" "Here! On the swings!"
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
And so they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy g string. I love you...can't wait to see you. What's that? Oh Yes, of course it's anal all week long now"
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
The wife heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.
To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him.
Man: God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?
God: I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.
Man: And why did you make her so kind-hearted?
God: I made as such so that you could love her, my son.
Man: And God, did you make her such an amazing cook?
God: I blessed her with the talent of cooking so that you could love her, my son.
Man: Thank you, Lord, but forgive me but I must ask one more question. Why, God, did you make her so dumb?
God: I made her dumb, my son, so that she could Love you.
An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!" This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"
"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"
"No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"
Never, EVER be late
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late!
Speaking of a big fat butt!
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat,” she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired."
A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door
She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just in case this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran to the door. The husband whispers to the wife "Honey, I am going to hide behind the door, and listen if it's the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with this." She agrees and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes I do", she answers. The man replies "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?!"
Thứ Bảy, 24 tháng 7, 2021
Two old friends caught up for lunch
Two old friends caught up for lunch.
Greg and Barry hadn't seen each other for over twenty years.
"How have you been?" Barry asked. "I've been good" Greg said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two beautiful kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?"
Barry puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either".
"And the sex! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting it consistently. Every single day".
Greg couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Barry living the good life for the past 20 years.
The two friends parted after lunch.
Later that night Greg was having dinner with his family when the phone rang.
"Excuse me, is this Greg?" a voice asked. "Yes it is, how can I help you?" Greg replied.
"I'm trying to track down Barry. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued.
"Okay"... Greg asked confused "Can I ask who this is?"
"This is Barry's parole officer".
What's better than enchiladas?
n+1 chiladas.
(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).
"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"
"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
And so they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?
Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.
Oh, so you won't even stay for a coffee?
Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.
Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.
It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.
The janitor laid down three ground rules.
1: He didn't wanna have to kiss her.
2: He'd like her to be freshly washed.
And 3: He'd need another week to come up with the $500.
Fox News actually saved my life.
I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.
A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food
As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.
When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?" "No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".
Thứ Sáu, 23 tháng 7, 2021
Job interviewer: So, how do you wish to explain this four year gap on your resume?
Interviewee: That is because I went to Yale
Job interviewer: Oh, that is impressive! You are hired!
Interviewee: Thanks! I really needed this Yob
I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...
Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.
A married couple is fighting
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don’t want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, “I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a bitch”. The husband stops and says, “I don’t understand, do you want me to stay”
Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." Tarzan responds
John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings
Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.
Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he comes with his cat and dog ready to play.
Before they play, Berlusconi begins a dialogue.
Berlusconi: John, I don't care about your actual band, I just want to know the secret. How do you do it?
John: I don't do anything, the dog plays guitar and the cat sings, it's as simple as that.
Berlusconi: come on John, just tell me! No way it's real
John: look, it's my livelihood. I can't go around telling the secret i make a career out of this
Berlusconi: money is nothing to me, I'll pay you whatever you want just tell me how you do it
John: alright...I'll tell you. The dog plays guitar and sings, the cat just moves its mouth and pretends.
My brother took going to jail pretty badly
He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant
The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.
The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.
The second day, the son comes home having watched the rival chef prepare the chowder. They try again to make it, and it's close, but the consistency is off, it's too watery. They try to figure out what they're doing wrong, and the son realizes that he was distracted for a minute while the chef did something.
"He must have added a secret ingredient, one not on the list, while you looked away!" concludes the owner. He sends his son back for a third day, this time telling him not to take his eyes off the chef for a second.
The son comes back the next day excited.
"You'll never believe what I saw!" he says. "He did have a secret ingredient, it's a piece of paper!"
"A piece of paper?"
"Yeah, he keeps a stack of printed paper in the kitchen. It's a bunch of Wikipedia articles he's printed out, of various movies. When he makes the chowder, he tears out the synopsis of a movie from one of the articles and puts it in. It's the strangest thing, but that's the secret ingredient."
"Ah," says the owner, "the plot thickens."
A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.
After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste better if you order just one at a time.”
“Well”, says the man at the bar. “You see I have 2 brothers who I used to drink with, but unfortunately one moved to America and the other one moved to Australia. Now we are on 3 different continents and we hardly ever see each other. So I drink a pint for me and 2 for my brothers. This way we at least try to keep this tradition alive and it feels like we’re still together.”
The bartender agrees that this is a beautiful explanation for his weird behaviour and the man becomes a regular at his bar. The other customers also get used to his ritual of ordering 3 pints and drinking them in turn.
But then one day “Mister 3 Pints” comes in and orders only 2 glasses. The whole pub gets silent and the by the time the man orders a second round of only 2 pints the barkeeper says: “I’m terribly sorry as I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just wanted to offer my condolances on your loss.”
The man looks puzzled, but then a smile breaks through and he says. “Thanks a lot, but everyone is fine really. It’s just that my wife had us join the Baptist church and I had to give up drinking. But my brothers are still Catholics, so it didn’t affect them.”
Thứ Năm, 22 tháng 7, 2021
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.
Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
A Man goes to the beach with his friends and gets buried up to his neck in the sand.
After a while, his friends leave him to go to the bar.
Some time later, the man looks up to see three beautiful women walking over to him giggling; a brunette, a blonde and a redhead. They stop in front of him. Then the brunette approaches.
"Have you ever been hugged?" She asked the man.
"No." He replies honestly.
So the Brunette smiles, bends over and gives the man a great big (if slightly awkward) hug. Then she walks off.
The Blonde then approaches the man and asks; "Have you ever been kissed?"
Once again the man honestly replies; "No."
The blonde smiles then bends over and gives the man a deep and passionate kiss. She then pulls away and walks off.
Finally the Redhead approaches the man and asks; "Have you ever been fucked?"
Sensing a pattern and getting excited, the man answers honestly: "No."
"Well you are now, the tides's coming in."
A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. And now, weirdest of all: even though he's dead, his little left paw keeps moving back and forth, back and forth, back and forth."
The guy runs back to his house, digs through the shampoo he used when he washed the rabbit, and his worst fears are confirmed. Right there on the label: Permanent Wave For Damaged Hare.
Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....
The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day." The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I bench press the bar 20-30 times & then take the cheese." The third rat hearing this takes his shot, gets up, & proceeds to walk out the door. The other two rats are dumbfounded & shout out to him, Where are you going?" The third rat replies, "I have to get home to fuck the cat!"
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord.
" So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put the bible away you jackass, our prayers have been answered!"
C, E flat and G walk into a bar.
They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.
On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.
On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.
A guy from Moscow says to his wife: Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.
He calls his cousin and asks, Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?
Cousin:- It's around -20C I would say.
Guy:- I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C.
Cousin:- Oh, well it might be outside.
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet
The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accepts the offer, and the man gives him the name of the hotel they are staying at.
They both arrive at the hotel, and climb to the roof of a building next to it. The hitman aims at the window of the wife's hotel room. The man says to the hitman "Why are you taking so long? Go ahead and take the shot!" The hitman says, "Be patient. I'm trying to save you $10,000."
Three guys were sitting at a bar, having drinks and talking…
The first guy starts bragging and says, “I made love to my wife 4 times last night. She said in the morning that she loved each one more and more.”
The second guy chimes in and replies, “Oh, that’s nothing. I made love to my wife 8 times last night, and she told me in the morning that it’s the best night that she’s ever had.”
The third guy keeps drinking and is remaining silent while the two guys keep arguing back and forth about who gave their wife the best night. Finally, the first guy asks him, “Hey, why are you being so quiet over there? How many times did you make love to your wife last night?”
He replies, “Only once.”
The first two guys look at each other and start laughing. “Only one time? No wonder you didn’t say anything. So what did she say in the morning?”
The third guy looks up and replies, “Don’t stop.”
[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar
The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.
The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks a couple of pennies as change onto the counter, which the monkey promptly grabs and swallows.
The guy said, "Oh he eats random things all the time".
As if on cue, the monkey jumps onto the pool table and stuffs the cue ball down his throat. Sighing, the man brings out his wallet.
The next week, the man and his monkey go back to the bar. This time, the monkey sees cherries on the counter. He grabs one, rams it up his buttcrack, removes it and eats it.
Disgusted, the bartender asks the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "Yeah, ever since he had to shit out that cue ball he ate last time, he'll be darned if he doesn't measure everything first".
Thứ Tư, 21 tháng 7, 2021
The man’s wife left him
Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a grave keeper.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'll pay you $100."
The watchman agreed and the man left the cemetery in a hurry.
He was shocked: his wife left him and he killed a cop... BANG!
Before he could react, he knocked down another cop. "What should I do? I don't have money. I'll just throw it to the watchman quietly and maybe he won't notice."
He drove back to the cemetery and quietly threw the second cop to the watchman while he was distracted.
The watchman finished buried the first one, turned around only to see the second cop. "WTF? I swear I buried it??"
Just down the road there was a traffic police post near the cemetery. The traffic cop notices that the same car had travelled back and forth to the cemetery and decided to check what was happening. He drove to the cemetery where the watchman just buried the second cop.
The officer asked him: "What's going on here?" Only for the watchman hit him on the head with a shovel: "Will you fucking settle down today or not!?"
Big thanks to /u/SephariusX for improving text❤️
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents
went over to their house,
and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He
sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and
said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and
the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd
heard him, when she turned away from the pot she
was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't
that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly
whirled around, whacked him over the head with her
spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about
my cooking again!!"
A man goes in for a prostate exam
The gentlemen is waiting for the doctor to come in and start the examination.
The young doctor comes in and greets the patient explaining that he will conduct the exam and grabs a pair of gloves.
The doctor then says “ Okay Steve this is your first Prostate exam, don’t get an errection.
The patient then replies “uhh my name is not Steve!?!”
The doctor says “ I know, my name is Steve”.
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
A reporter went to a small village...
And asked one of the villagers, "hey could you tell me a story about your village?" The villager says "well one time a neighbors goat got lost in the mountains, and we all got together to look for it, and then we found it. We all celebrated and drank and then we all had sex with the goat".
The reporter looks astonished and says "My friend I can't make a report on a story like that, why don't you tell me a happy story"
The villager says "Oh ok, well one time the wife of a neighbor got lost, we all got together to look for her and we found her. Then we all celebrated and drank and then everyone had sex with her.
The reporter then says "My god, well then tell me a sad story!"
The villager, saddened, looks to the ground and replies, "Well one time I got lost."
A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"
"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."
"Don't bother, I got expelled."
Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"
"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."
"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Thứ Ba, 20 tháng 7, 2021
On the sixth day
*ON THE SIXTH DAY... *
God Creating Spiders
God: Make it have 8 legs
Angel: Seems excessive but OK
God: And 8 eyes
Angel: You need to calm down a li-
God: Give it a bum rope
God Creating Kittens
God: make them fluffy & adorable like little furry hugs
Angel: that’s so swee….
God: And put razor blades on their feet
God Creating Mosquitos
God: I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces…
God Creating Bees
God: Put a needle on it’s bum
Angel: Come on God, what –
God: Make it’s puke delicious
Angel: What the hell!!!
God Creating Praying Mantis
God: Make an insect that does karate
Angel: Okay…
God: Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: Dude, we need to talk
God Creating Dogs
God: Oh these turned out great. I’m going to want all of these back at some point
God Creating Pandas
God: Cow bears
Angel: What?
God: Did I stutter?
Angel: ??
God: Take a cow and make it a bear
God Creating Snakes
God: How about a sock that’s angry all the time
God Creating Alligators
God: See that log?
Angel: Yeah?
God: Fill it with teeth
Angel: Say again?
God: FILL IT!
God Creating Jellyfish
God: How about an evil bag?
God Creating Parrots
God: How about like a tie Dye Chicken who screams actual words at you?
A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:
“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.
“What have you done?” asked the priest.
“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.
“But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.
“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.
“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.
“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.
“So what should I do father?” the man asked.
“Well” answered the priest, “you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”.
A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.
Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?
Patient: Are my testicles black?
Nurse : Excuse me?
Patient : Are my testicles black?
The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check on his testicles. She spent a full minute examining his testicles and told the man
" Sir your testicles are not black and are perfectly fine".
The patient takes of his mask, smiles and replies
"Thats all well and good, but are my test results back? ".
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge.
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around. "Guess I'm swimming then."
A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
As I slipped my two fingers slowly inside her hole, I could instantly feel it getting wetter and wetter
As I slid my fingers back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.
A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.
The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.
The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.
Yet the woman wed the second man.
Because no matter how gross you pictured him to be...
The first man was just a little grocer.
Thứ Hai, 19 tháng 7, 2021
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way...
“Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”
It's crazy how the english language works.
For example, there is 1 silent "K" in "Knight.
And 4 silent "K"s in the word "Knickknack."
As well as 3 silent "K"s in the word "Republican."
The case of the missing condoms
A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes he uses them when he masturbates and she wanted to know if I ever did that.
I told her, "I am not proud of it, but sometimes I have to."
She starts to calm down and asks, "Why do you have to masturbate with a condom sometimes?"
I said, "I dunno... I have never done that, I thought you meant lie to my girlfriend."
---
Sorry if this is a repost - I heard it from a radio station a long time ago.
A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend
Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.
He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wide. Feeling confident he opens his mouth wide. The dentist gets close and says “have you been 69’ing?” The man shocked quickly ask, “why does my breath smell like pussy?”
“No”, the dentist replies, “your forehead smells like shit.”
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Chủ Nhật, 18 tháng 7, 2021
My girlfriend and I were doing some doctor/patient roleplay.
"Oh my goodness," she purred, "are you going to inject me, doc?"
I said, "Yes, honey. But don't worry, you won't feel a thing."
Where do babies come from
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.
They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel while he and his wife make love. Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes.
After 20 minutes of lovemaking, the woman is no closer to orgasm, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places. So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the husband wafts the towel.
After two minutes, the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.
The husband looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims, "Now that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel."
When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill
But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.
I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass.
The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.
We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.
So dad beat my ass again
Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.
They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.
Finally, the day came when Mr. Johnson lay dying on a hospital bed. He realized that asking his wife about Edgar was now or never.
"There is just one thing I want to know before I die," said Mr. Johnson. "Is Edgar really my son?"
"Yes, my darling husband," replied Mrs. Johnson. "Yes, he is your son."
"Thank you," said Mr. Johnson, and breathed his final breath, which was the most relieved breath he had ever taken.
"Phew!" said Mrs. Johnson. "Thank goodness he didn't ask about the other four..."
The year is 1939, Soviet troops are marching on Finland
As they cross the border, the general hears a Finnish voice just over a hill saying "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!".
The general laughs and sends 10 soldiers to take the hill, after a minute or so of gunfire, the same voice says "one Finnish soldier is better than 100 Soviet troops!"
Baffled and annoyed, the general sends 100 soldiers to take the hill, after about 5 minutes of gunfire and explosions, the same voice says "one Finnish soldier is better than a thousand Soviets!"
Furious, the general sends 1000 troops to take the hill, complete with tanks, high explosives, aircraft and artillery, and tells them not to return until the hill is taken. After half an hour of all hell breaking loose, everything falls silent. One Soviet troop, severely wounded and battered, drags himself to the general and says "don't send any more troops, comrade general, it's a trap, there's two of them."
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."
A cab driver picks up a Nun...
The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, "Excuse me sister, I've always fantasised about having sex with a nun."
The nun replies, "Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?"
"Actually I am" says the cabbie.
The nun then climbs into the front seat and gives him the best blow job of his life. Really curls his toes.
Feeling bad he says, "Actually sister I'm not Catholic".
The nun replies. "That's OK, my name is Bruce and I am going to fancy dress party."
Thứ Bảy, 17 tháng 7, 2021
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .
Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.
A man arrives home at his local airport...
He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"
"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.
"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller
"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.
The next week he flies in again and sees the same driver this time third in the line.
He goes up to the first cab in the queue and asks how much to the suburbs, "sixty bucks". The traveller adds "If I throw in an extra hundred will you suck my cock?"
"Fuck you!"
He goes to the second taxi, same question and is met with a "Go to hell!"
He finally reaches the third cab and climbs into the back.
As they drive past the first two he gives them a wink and a big smile.
God will protect me from COVID-19.
A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the Covid vaccine if he would like one. Again the man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. A few weeks later the man fell very ill. He went back to his doctor and to his disbelief was diagnosed with Covid and admitted to the hospital. After days of holding on he finally fell victim to his illness. When the man reached the gates of heaven God was there waiting for him. The man asked God why he didn't protect him from Covid? God looked at him and said, I had people offer you free masks and three different vaccines to choose from you dummy. Also you're going to have to quarantine in hell for a few weeks.
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on an aeroplane.
The woman sneezes and right after she is done she shudders and moans.
The man asks,"Are you alright? Because the sneezing seems normal but the shuddering and shivers... Not very much."
The woman replies,"Oh yeah, I have this rare condition where I orgasm every time sneeze."
-"That sure is a very rare condition. What are you taking for it?"
Woman: "Pepper"
My wife said to me “If I ever get
Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"
I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"
So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...
... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."
A farmer was sitting in his barn. After a long day he was admiring his work.
Farmer: I love my job
Sheep: Yeah cause all you do is boss us all day
The farmer not believing what just happened
Farmer: What did you just say..!?
Sheep: You herd us.
When I was about 9 years old
When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life. . . . . . . . . . . .
The dead bastard had a twin
Thứ Sáu, 16 tháng 7, 2021
"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,
She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.
......fast forward 15 years later......
One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explained everything to her. The next day, the other girl came rushing to her mother with the same complaint "mom, i was peeing today and a bullet came out. Again, the mother sat her down and explained everything that happened. The next day the boy came rushing to his mother, "mom, you'll never guess what just happened". The mom replied "you were peeing and a bullet came out?" "What? No". Replied the boy "I was having a wank and I shot the dog
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.
"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."
"You mean 'than'."
"No."
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm...
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result. I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The Instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total maark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "| gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler which I've never seen done in my entire career".
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”
The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued:
“But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”
A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."
The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."
The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"
"Start? Today's the last day."
Am I adopted?
Fred came home from University in tears.
"Mum, am I adopted?"
"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?
Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."
"Well, obviously!" he replied.
"What do you mean?"
"It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."
"I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."
3 construction workers
Kind long
3 construction workers ate lunch together everyday.
Worker 1: I swear if my wife makes me another bologna sandwich I’m gonna jump off this skyscraper
Worker 2: same man. I can’t take another roast beef sandwich
Worker 3: fuck it! I’m in. I’m over Pbj
The next day they all get the same lunch. The write a note explains they’re sick of their wives feeding them the same thing every day, sign it, and jump.
At the funeral wives of 1 and 2 are crying together when the see wife 3 just standing there. They walk over and ask “how aren’t you upset?? How aren’t you crying??”
Wife 3: fucker made his own lunches
Thứ Năm, 15 tháng 7, 2021
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says
“FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
In a confession booth...
ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.
PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.
ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.
PRIEST: You forgot pride.
ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.
A teenage immigrant boy comes home from school.
His mother asks him "How were your classes today?"
"Today we had sex education mama"
Shocked his mother replies. "What?! You go to your room and wait till your father comes home. He's going to have stern words with you."
When the father comes home and learns about his sons class he replies. "This isn't the old country, people are more liberal here, don't worry. This should be good for him."
Feeling bad she goes upstairs to apologise and finds him vigorously masturbating.
The mother says. "Luigi, when you finish your homework I want to have a word with you."
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