FunnyStory about animals and all around the world
Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)
Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)
Play game and comfortable :)
Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.
7 days later T : why didn't you write your homework this time? P : my dad is still in the hospital. T : wow, this must be serious. 1 month later T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital. P : Indeed. T: well, how come?
P : he's a doctor.
A man walks into a confession booth.
He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."
The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."
The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, and I hid a Jewish family up in my attic."
The priest is pleased. This is a rather happy confession. He says, "That is a very noble deed my son. Why would you tell me this in confession though?"
The man continues, "Well Father, I also took a lot of rent from them for living in my attic."
The priest is a little taken aback but still happy that the man chose to protect the family. He says, "That was not right on your part. Whenever you do a good deed, you should do it for the happiness it brings others and not your personal gain. The intent was still noble though so you have not sinned."
The man continues, "If that's the case, I feel much better now. I would like to ask for some guidance though."
The priest says, "Ask and I shall answer to the best of my ability."
The man says, "Its about that Jewish family. Should I tell them the war is over?"
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
Son: What's a "dop ted"?
Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!
Son: Nice one, Dad.
Dad: I'm not your Dad.
There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old france law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it I'm just a bad conductor."
They talk, laugh, drink and become good friends. It's not a joke, it's what happens when you're not a fucking asshole.
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground. The bartender doesn't want to make a scene so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change.
The client threw 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
The zoophiliac says, “I want to have sex with a cat.”
The sadist says, “I want to torture the cat, then have sex with it.”
The pyromaniac says, “I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, then have sex with it.”
The necrophiliac says, “Well I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and have sex with it again.”
The masochist says, “Meow.”
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the god damned putt, didn’t you?”
Didn't work, now I'm nervous and I have a boner.
Being the teacher doesn't make it any better.
A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each of them was given a random substance from the shelf which they had to identify and come up with a story within a minute, that involved the substance in the punchline.
The Chinese guy was given baking soda, which he did identify, but didn't know what it was called in English. He thought for a while and went,
"Once upon a time, one big company. It have district manager and regional manager. Both get car from company. One day, RM car DM car crash on road. RM car break front bonnet. Fault of RM. But RM angry boss and ask for replacement, or DM lose job.
....
So DM buy car bonnet!"
There are no other people in his row as the plane is relatively empty. So he's been going at it for a couple of minutes now, but suddenly an air hostess catches him red handed. "Sir! This is not appropriate behaviour! Please stop this act immediately!" "No way woman! I'm right about to ejaculate on this plane and you can't stop me!" Distressed, the hostess walks into the Captain's cabin and says, "Sir! We have a high jacker, and he's about to shoot!"
They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.
"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:
"You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain's skull in."
The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly.
"Now you're fucked," says the mysterious voice.
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
She said "I'm on my period and Wonder Woman is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.
As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.
Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong.
"Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently.
The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I'm sorry if I bothered you."
Mr. Smith takes note of the boy's politeness, "Is there anything I can do to help? Why don't you tell me what's going on..."
With that the boy breaks down and sobs.
He starts going on and on about his troubles.
His mother is dying of cancer and can't work.
They can't afford the medicine to manage her symptoms.
They haven't eaten in days.
Not even an hour ago the boy had been caught dumpster diving behind a restaurant for food and was caned by the owner.
He tried to go home to his mother but when he got there he saw an eviction notice on the door and he just couldn't bring himself to go inside and give her the news.
Everything was just falling apart and he couldn't take it.
"So I came here and just cried," he finished.
Mr. Smith was shocked.
Of all the people he could have encountered he encountered this boy.
He could solve this boy's problems with a single check.
But Mr. Smith was a firm believer in earning what you got no matter what it was.
As the boy continued to cry, Mr. Smith looked out to the water...
"Son," Mr. Smith began, "What's your name?"
"My name is Johnny." The boy said.
"Johnny, you see that ship out there," he said gesturing to a ship about a mile out from the dock, "I'll make you a deal. If you can swim out to that ship, climb up the mast and wave to me I will write you a check for one million dollars."
Johnny was awestruck. "You really mean it?"
"Absolutely." Mr. Smith confirmed.
Johnny dove into the water without a word and swam like a madman.
Mr. Smith watched with a smile on his face but his smile faded when Johnny turned around and came back.
When Johnny reached the dock he explained he got too tired too quickly and knew he wouldn't make it.
"Well that's ok, Johnny. Tomorrow let's meet here, same time, and you can try again."
The next day they met and Johnny tried but once again he got fatigued and had to turn back.
Mr. Smith asked him if he'd eaten anything and Johnny told him he hadn't.
With that, Mr. Smith gave him some money for a small meal and told him tomorrow was his last day in town so if he was going to succeed it had to be then.
The next day Mr. Smith arrived and Johnny was waiting at the dock with a smile on his face. "You all fed and ready?" Mr. Smith asked.
"Yes, Sir" said Johnny.
And Johnny dove into the water.
This time he was swimming a bit slower.
He seemed to be pacing himself. Mr. Smith watched Johnny get further and further and his smile grew and grew.
What a perfect end to a perfect trip.
He was going to make a difference in this boy's life.
Johnny made it to the ship.
Mr. Smith watched him climb up the mast.
Johnny held on with one hand and reached the other out and started to wave victoriously but suddenly he lost his grip!
Johnny slipped and fell from the top of the mast all the way down to the ship below with a loud thud that echoed in the distance...
But Johnny was ok, know why?
...
...
...
...
...
He was used to hardships...
Wife has broken her leg & her Hubby comes home after work.
Hubby: How are you doing?
Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favor... Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!
Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's two hot sisters lying on the bed.
Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls...
Sisters: Prove it!
Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey... both of them ??
Wife: (Shouting back): Of course! What's the point of fucking one???...
A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.
That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.
The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"
The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."
(Repost but I felt it needed to be told again)
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”
Driver: “What’s that?”
Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
“I’m gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn’t know you were a cop.”
A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point and says "D-damnit boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?" The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off. Another man comes up and asks why the kid didn't answer and the boy says "And d-do w-w-what? Get the sh-shit k-kicked out of me?"
and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?” A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.” The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the answer I am looking for.” Another young student raises his hand and says, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.” “Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not quite the one I was looking for.” Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.” The teacher’s jaw drops in astonishment. “Yes!” she says, “That’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during break time, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. “I can’t believe you said 'Jesus Christ'?” The boy replies, “I know it’s Moses and you know it’s Moses, but business is business.”
You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.
And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.
"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.
"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.
So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east and sure enough there's a dragon. It's fire I swear hot enough to melt mountains but eventually the man manages to defeat it. A Hawaiian monk approaches the man.
"You seem very strong, do you mind helping me?" The Hawaiian monk asks.
"Sure, what do you need?" The man replies. The monk tells him of a hidden temple in the desert. So the man hires a private jet and flies into the desert where he meets a sphinx. The sphinx asks him a riddle.
"What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?"
After 13 hours the man figures out the answer, a human. The sphinx leads him to the temple. As the man goes through the temple he has to kill hundreds of penguins but finally he makes it to the top floor where there is a red jewel.
He picks up the jewel and a spaceship appears. Bored, the man gets into the spaceship and flies through the galaxy, exploring a ton of planets including Namek and Saturn. Finally the man finds a tiny planet with the surface area of a football pitch. He sets foot on it when a tree ambushes him.
"Hello, will you take me to earth?" The tree asks.
"Sure." The man says.
"You're a great dude so I'll grant you one wish." The tree promises.
"Could you make me a watch that measures time 100% accurately wherever I am?" The man asks.
"Do you realise how advanced that technology would need to be. It would need to take into account relativity, gravity, your velocity and tons of other factors." The tree moans.
"Ok, can you stop people reposting on r/jokes whilst only changing the setup?" The man says.
"What kind of watch again?" The tree asks.
A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."
The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic, think if the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Just think about the amount of concrete and steel that would have to be used! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time, when finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are they thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how can I make them truly happy.
The Lord replied, "Do you want 2 lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.
The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids. It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed
My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”
“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.
He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking meth and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuaed them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison…"
As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.
The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.
"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now I'm gonna be late for my appointment. You better believe you're gonna regret this day!"
The farmer calmly surveyed the scene. "Look, young fella, you're all worked up. Neither one of us is hurt -- it's just our rides that are a little banged up," he said. Then he reached into his pocket, pulled out a hip flask and offered it to the lawyer. "Here, why don't you take a slug of this whiskey. It'll help you calm down."
After a moment, the lawyer accepted and took a deep drink. A bit later, he tipped up the flask and took another swig. Then he returned it to the farmer, who closed the flask and put it away.
"Don't you want any yourself?" asked the lawyer.
"Not just yet," answered the farmer. "I'll wait until after the police leave."
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal.
As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?"
"With the spoon" says the waiter.
When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"
The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."
The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."
The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...
"Not for you, baby... Family Discount."
A guy on the other side of the street yells at him, "Hey, what're you doing!?"
The naked man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!"
"As what?" asks the guy.
"As a tortoise! Can't you tell?"
"Well, what's the woman doing on your back?"
"Oh, that's just Michelle."
He walked in, pulled out a gun, and yelled "Air in the hands motherstickers! This is a fuck up!"
It took the couple several years to have him, and he was the apple of both their eyes. One tragic day on the way home from Charlie's middle school woodcutting competition, they hit a pot hole, the tire blew, and the car went swerving violently into the only other lane on the two lane road. Charlie died on impact. Charlie's mother was thrown from the car and went into a coma. The man, although he wished he hadn't, survived without injury.
The man visited his wife every day at the hospital for the next two months. Constantly begging for forgiveness. He blamed himself for the incident, since he was driving. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat. He didn't think he could go on.
Just when he felt like he couldn't take it any longer, his wife woke up. He felt a mixture of emotions he had never experienced before. Joy. Because the love of his life was alive and well. Dread. Because he would have to be the one to tell her about Charlie. Relief. Because he no longer had to carry this burden alone. And fear. Because of what his wife might think of him. Would she blame him as he had blamed himself?
He told his wife that their son had died in the crash, and she was devastated, of course, but she did not blame him. They began to rely on each other, growing closer through the pain they shared. The man knew he would never get over what happened, but having his wife made him think it just might be bearable.
Just when he was starting to come to terms with his knew life and approaching something close to normalcy, the unthinkable happened. Apparently his wife had not been adjusting to their knew situation with the same optimism as he had, because during the night one night, she killed herself.
"This is it." The man thought. "This is all I can bear." He went to the barn behind their small country home and retrieved a rope. He then went into Charlie's room and sobbed for hours. He tied the one end of the rope around the rafters (Charlie's room used to be the attic, and the rafters were still exposed.) and the other around his neck as he stood on his beloved son's bed. He summoned all the courage he could to end his life, but just before he jumped, his eye caught all of Charlie's woodcutting projects. Upon seeing this he had a horrible, yet intensely motivational thought, "Once I'm gone their will be little to no memory of Charlie." He removed the rope from his neck and stepped down from the bed.
For the next year he learned wood carving. It became the entire reason for his being. He had a talent for it too, because, though he would never know, by the end of the year, he was one of the greatest wood carvers there has ever been. After mastering the art, he spent the next year building what would be his monument to Charlie, a wooden puppet made in his likeness. He worked and worked and worked, and by the end of that second year, it was complete. He loved it. It was the first time since Charlie's death that he could remember loving so passionately and powerfully. And this love truly was powerful because, as soon as he put the finishing touches on the puppet, it sprang to life. It startled him at first, but he soon realized that in addition to looking exactly like Charlie, it talked and acted just like him as well. And in that moment, it seemed to him that fate had given him a second chance in being a father.
He decided to name the puppet Chuck. He originally wanted to name him Charlie but decided there was only ever going to be one Charlie. His and Chuck's love for one another grew daily. They did everything together except for one thing. The man always went by himself to chop wood because he was afraid for Chuck to be around wood cutting equipment for obvious reasons. One day the man didn't come back and Chuck immediately began to worry. He went to the place he knew his creator/father chopped the wood and started calling for him. Chuck heard him call back, which was a relief, but his voice sounded muffled. He tracked the voice to a well, and upon looking in he saw the man sitting at the bottom. He explained to Chuck that he had tripped while carrying wood and fallen into the well. As he fell his leg was cut open on a jagged rock and he had lost a lot of blood. Chuck threw the old rope down into the well, but before hardly any weight was put on it, it snapped due to dry rot. The situation was turning grim. It was dark in the well, but Chuck could see how pale his loving paternal figure had become. He looked around, frantically trying to figure out a way to save him. Then it came to him. There was an enormous pile of wood that the man had cut to make his carvings with. Chuck began heaving them into the well.
At first the man was alarmed, but then realized what his created son was doing. As pieces were thrown into the well he could step on top of them bringing him closer to the opening at the top. It was difficult to do with his injured leg, but this new promise of survival, and more importantly being able to spend more time with his son, gave him the strength he needed.
After almost an entire hour of constantly hurling wood into the well, Chuck died from exhaustion. Unfortunately the 262 pieces of wood that Chuck threw into the well, only allowed the man to reach just a few feet below the opening and he died of blood loss. But, with that, the old question was answered, "How much wood could a wood Chuck chuck if a wood Chuck could chuck wood?" 262 pieces exactly.
The father says, "That's ok sweetie, I love you no matter what." Noticing how he reacted, his second daughter decides to also tell him that she's also a lesbian. The father doesn't care and procedes to tell her that he loves her too. Finally the third daughter goes up to him and also says that she's a lesbian. The father feeling like the whole situation is ridiculous, yells out, "Holy shit doesn't anyone in this house like boys?"
His only son walks into the room and says, "I do."
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."
The boy passed a fancy jewelry store and saw an expensive watch that he wanted to buy. "Can I have this dad?" "Sorry, we can't afford that right now," the dad replied, and they walked away from the store. That night, the father thought about how he hadn't been able to provide for his family, and decided to end his struggles once and for all. He signed up for a controversial new game show where the contestant sits in a chair for an hour, then at midnight he is either shocked to death or showered with a million dollars. Several people had put their lives on the line before, and millions watched as some contestants became rich and others were killed. The boy's father felt that he had no other choice, and at 11pm he sat down in the chair and the camera started rolling. Whenever the show aired the whole world watched, so naturally the young boy was sitting in front of the tv when it started. As soon as he saw his dad sitting in the chair, he ran out the door to the filming studio in New York City. After about an hour of running, he burst through the doors of the studio and ran up to his dad. Not knowing how much time his dad had left before midnight, the boy frantically yelled to him "What time is it?!" His dad looked up at him as a bell rang and millions of dollars rained down from above. He picked up his son and smiled at him. "Time for you to get a watch."
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later". I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???
A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."
"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.
"You must be a Democrat."
"I am. How did you know?"
"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help."
"You must be a Republican."
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."
(Old but gold)
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"Can't and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"
"Pop." Goes the weasel.
Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.
A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash.
"What can I get for 5 bucks?”
"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."
Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.
The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!”
Then I unplugged his life support.
...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, cheek-flapping, eyes-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a most ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Putin and explained, "President Putin, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
Mr. Putin, the legendary Russian, replied, "Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
He was in a good mood and the student that he questioned wasn't prepared enough.
'Look here, I can't give you a passing grade based on your answers. I will however let you pass if you tell me how many lightbulbs there are in this room?'
The student counted carefully and confidently said '32'.
The professor started laughing and reached for his bag:
'Nice try but I got one in my bag, see you next month'
A month passed and the student came to try his luck again.
'I remember you. You failed my lighbulb test last time. So tell me and if you answer correctly I won't question you further. How many lightbulbs are in this room?'
The student looked him in the eye and said '33'.
The professor laughed even harder than last time:
"Oh silly you, I didn't bring a spare lightbulb with me this time"
The student smirked, reached for his bag and triumphantly said 'oh, but I did'.
A Sandy Eggo. - Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).
"See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.
Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"
Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.
After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.
She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."
Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"
On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."
They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.
"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."
"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.
"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.
She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."
So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.
After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.
"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.
Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"
"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."
Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."
"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."
He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan.
The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes.
She says, "Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven."
"wow", said the guy, "those are my favourite songs!"
"impressive", he continues, "please, tell me my future"
"can not" exclaims the gypsy, "I am just a four tune teller"
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."
A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.
The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the pool still crying. The homeless man wasted no time in jumping in to drag the other man out of the water.
After the suited man took a moment to process what was happening (and what he was doing) he started to thank the homeless man profusely and asked if there was any way he could repay the homeless man for his kindness.
"What was I thinking!" the man in suit said, "Please good sir, if there I must repay you for what you have done for me, money is no option have anything you want." "I don't need money." the homeless man replied. "I would like a job if there is anyway you can arrange that.
The Suited man was taken aback by the request but complied saying that the homeless man can work on one of the commercial cruise ships his company owns.
A few weeks later the captain of said ship was inspecting his new subordinate and was disgusted... "We can't have a homeless man running around on this ship, it will put off the guests... you can be a janitor if you promise to only leave your employee cabin to work at night when the guests are asleep."
The homeless man was not phased by the comments of the captain and got to work as a night janitor on the ship.
One night the homeless man finished early and decided to swim in the pool whilst no one was around.
Unfortunately the first hand came on deck just as the homeless man began to dive into the pool however instead of being outraged he was amazed at the perfect dive the homeless man pulled off.
The first mate insisted he do it again for the captain and after being shown the skill of this homeless man the captain was amazed. He insisted that the homeless man put on diving shows for the customers.
Weeks later the homeless man was about to attempt the tallest dive possible for his newly gained fans. The diving board was set up specially and it extended impossibly high into the sky.
The man began climbing and climbing. Hours passed before he reached the top of the board. He looked below and was unphased, with a couple of stretches he dove aiming for the pool below. Down, down and down he went picking up speed until he hit terminal velocity on his dive. he hit the water and sliced right through it to the bottom of the pool.
He didn't stop though, smashing through the bottom of the pool and through each of the 30 decks below until he broke right through to the open ocean.
Commotion broke out on the ship "MAN OVERBOARD" People were shouting and shuffling to through life preservers to the homeless man.
He caught a preserver and was hoisted up onto the ship again.
"Remarkable!" the captain said now inspecting the man, "Smashed all the way through the ship and not a scratch on you... how is such a thing possible!"
"Well." said the homeless man. "I have been through many hardships in my life."
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said,”Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said, “Sure – he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s and was just waiting to collect the money!”
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said:
“A dove should not be friends with a donkey.”
“Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile.
The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams.
In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
“You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?”
“The gold.”
“I don't agree. I would choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.”
“Everyone would choose what they don't have” says the student.
The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:
“Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."
A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years.
So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work.
At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars.
At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered. She was wearing silk pajamas, and was motioning him to follow her upstairs. the mailman had the best sex of his entire life, and when they were done, he went downstairs. On the table was a huge breakfast, with waffles, eggs, pancakes, the whole deal, and a cup of coffee with a 5 dollar bill underneath.
The mailman was curious, so he said to the lady, "I've had the best day of my entire life, everyone has been so nice to me, but I have to ask, what's the 5 dollar bill for?"
The lady replied, "I asked my husband what we should do for you and he said 'fuck him, give him five bucks', but breakfast was my idea."
Guy 1 asks: "That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?"
Guy 2 says: "I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish"
Guy 1 goes: "Cool, let me see it!"
He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish.
Guys 1 wishes: "I wish for a million bucks!"
So the genie snaps his fingers and a few seconds later, thousands upon thousands of ducks come swarming into the bar.
Guys 1 says: "What is this?! I said a million bucks not a million ducks!"
Guys 2 says: "Did you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"
"Hello everyone, welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous, I see a lot of new faces here today and I have to say I'm really disappointed with you all..."
Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.
Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been wined and dined before" girl says.
So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.
Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man.
"Never been fucked before" says girl.
So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says...
"Well you're fucked now"
He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting"
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. ”I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. ”Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
She turns on the news and sees a live report of a dangerous motorist driving the wrong way down the motorway, so she calls her husband to warn him.
He responds: "Just one? There's bloody hundreds of them!"
"Father Joseph!" the man demanded. "Everyone is black in this village, but my son was recently born white! You are the only white man within 200 miles! Explain yourself!"
Father Joseph sheepishly answered, "Now, uh, don't judge too harshly," and pointed towards the goats. "You see, goats are normally white and that one was born black! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept."
"Oh, I understand, Father Joseph," the black man said. "I stop talking about the white child, and you stop talking about the black goat, OK?"
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
Likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale from 1 to 10.
Last night I tried anal. She kept yelling "9". You will never believe it, that's my best rating yet.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
He downs them all, pays, and leaves. The bartender was a bit confused at it, but not enough to ask why. The next day, the same thing. And the next. The bartender's curiosity is piqued at this point, so he asks the man why he keeps buying 3 beers. He explains, "My 2 buddies and I used to drink together every night. Since they've shipped away, I've decided to drink their beers in their honor so I may never forget". A noble effort, the bartender thinks, so he gladly serves the man 3 beers every night. One night, the man only orders 2 beers. The bartender asks him why only two, thinking a friend died. The man responds, "I've decided to stop drinking".
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest.
Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?"
The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know".
The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain."
Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.
The class remains quiet.
The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?
Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish.
At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.
Eddy looks around and says:
Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are not hiring yet, still waiting for final permit.
A man was driving along the road when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled "ever driven a Ferrari mate?"
This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind.
However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, it accelerated and the man just managed to catch the driver yell "ever driven a Ferrari mate?" before the Ferrari left him in the dust.
Recognising that he was not able to match the Ferrari's speed, the man calmed down and resumed driving at normal speed.
A few miles ahead however, the man noticed the Ferrari upturned in a ditch. Curious at what might have happened, man stopped his car and went to check out the crash scene.
Inside the upturned Ferrari, a weak and shaky voice came out: "Ever driven a Ferrari mate? Know where the brake is?"
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thoughts, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today!!"
The bartender replies "Free".
The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender reply's "Free".
The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.
To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?
The mathematician immediately responds "63".
The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 5%".
The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70".
The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers "how much do you want it to be?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
Seven year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" Asked the teacher.
"Mohammad", he replied.
"You're in America now", replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as 'Mike'".
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" Asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Mike"
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims."
A Jewish man goes to his Rabbi and says "Rabbi, I have a problem. My son is converting to Christianity and I can't do a thing about it." The Rabbi answers, "You know Moishe, I have the same problem. Let's go talk to the Chief Rabbi. Maybe he can help us out." So they set out to see the Chief Rabbi. They get to him and say, "Rabbi, our sons are converting to Christianity. We don't know what to do. Can you help?" The Chief Rabbi looks at them thoughtfully and says, "Gentlemen, I would if I could, but I have the same problem. Let's go to talk to god. Maybe he can help." The three men then pray for several days, until finally God answers them. "My lord," they say "Our sons have forsaken Judaism and are converting to Christianity. Please do something!" God looks down upon them and says "You know guys, I've got the same problem."
What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a Latina?
A Latina has fake jewelry and real orgasms.
A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'
The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'
The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone.
"The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that!?!"
Came into this world because of broken rubber and you'll be damn sure as hell I ain't leaving because of one either.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer : Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled
Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...
On each floor the signs on the doors read:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Credit: I read this in the Porcupine Press UP Magazine and haven't seen it on here before so looked it up to share with all of you! FYI (Michigan) porcupine press is a great magazine/newspaper for the cabin, I hope it gets some attention as they don't turn alot of business being in the upper Peninsula and all.
And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.
It was a little condescending.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
It looked good.
It smelled good.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins."
His friends didn't know he had this car and ask him how he got it.
"So I was trying to get a lift, at the fuel station, and all of a sudden this absolute masterpiece of a girl stops by. You know, long blonde hair, big tits and everything.
Having driven for over half an hour, she told me she was getting a bit tired and we decided to have a walk in the woods. Before we had walked a single mile, she said it was quite hot, took off all her clothes, laid down in the grass and said, "baby, you can have anything you want!"
So I had a look at all of her clothes, but they weren't quite my size, and decided to take the car."
Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.
Do you know the what the real tragedy is? He didn't even finish colouring the second one.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."