He is surprised when she says yes, and they decide to go out that Saturday. So the young man goes home, and spends the remainder of the week agonizing over what to do on their date. Should they go to dinner? A movie? Roller skating? Skydiving? Maybe go on a big game hunt? He has no idea. Finally Saturday comes, and as he is driving over to pick her up, he notices a sign saying that the Big Top is in town. He immediately knows that’s where they need to go.
So he picks up his date, radiant as ever, and they head to the Circus.
She’s incredibly excited, as she hasn’t been since she was a child. They buy cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, big drinks, and make their way to the front row, where he managed to get tickets. The two watch in amazement as the dancing horses come out, followed by bears balancing on large rubber balls, then the elephants. They watch in trepidation as the lion tamer whips and yells at the lion, as the trapeze artists fly to and fro. They watch delightedly as finally the clowns make their way to the center of the ring. They bound about acrobatically, juggle while riding the unicycle, and joke with the crowd. The head clown notices the young man in the front row with the beautiful girl, and comes strolling over.
As he motions for the attention of the crowd, he leans toward the young man and says:
“Hey mister, are you the horse’s head?”
And the young man replies “Well…no”
So the head clown says, “Well that must make you the horse’s ass!” The whole tent erupts with laughter at the young man, who is absolutely humiliated. Even his date is laughing. He tries to hide his anger, and pretends it doesn’t bother him. But he spends the rest of the evening fuming over the joke. He barely even notices that his date kisses him good night when he drops her off.
That night, the young man is unable to sleep. Lying in bed, he can think of nothing other than the clown. Why didn’t he say something? Why didn’t he stand up for himself? He has no answers, and finally falls asleep, dreaming of destroying the clown.
The next morning, the young man wakes up with a deep sense of purpose. Never in his life has he felt such drive. He will dedicate his life to getting back at the clown. He heads out the door, and immediately enrolls in university, majoring in Comebackology.
The young man gives his classes everything he’s got. He quickly rises to the top of his class, a star pupil. He wows his professors during finals, and is even crowned Valedictorian upon graduation, receiving his Bachelor of Science in Comebackology.
But he doesn’t feel ready. So he redoubles his efforts, and goes back to school, continuing to impress the faculty. After an amazingly quick year, he is awarded his Master’s Degree in Comebackology, the fastest it has ever been awarded. But still, he believes that he needs to become the greatest Comeback master who ever lived before he gets his revenge. So he continues his education, writing his PhD thesis on the “Ambiguities of the modern riposte: Is brevity still the soul of wit?” His professors are dumbfounded by the brilliance of the paper. He is lauded throughout the country as one of the preeminent Comebackologists, even asked to be on talk shows. The fame is staggering.
But the boy, now a man, doesn’t feel as though he is ready. He still seethes inside at the humiliation the clown dealt him. Nothing but the absolute verbal destruction of the clown will pacify him.
So he leaves the country, and begins studying with old Comeback masters around the world. But at each and every stop, he finds that he has surpassed them all. They have nothing left to teach him. But there are rumors of the greatest Comeback master alive, hidden away in the mountains of Nepal. For years the man searches him out, following clues and half remembered stories. His perseverance pays off, however, and he finds himself, exhausted and nearly dead, at the entrance to a great wooden temple built into a mountain. He is welcomed inside by the master himself, who had known that this day would come. The master is elated that a student worthy of his teachings has finally found him. The two become fast friends, working together day and night, meditating on the most ethereal of comebacks, the God Comebacks. 15 years the man spends there, until finally the master dies, happily bequeathing his title to his only pupil. The man takes one final look at his old master, then squaring his shoulders, heads out the door and down the mountain. He is finally ready.
The man goes back home, welcomed by family and friends, who had long believed him dead. He calls up the same young lady he had taken out all those years before, and incredibly, she is still single, and willing to go out again.
So he picks up his date, radiant as ever, and they head to the Circus. She’s incredibly excited, as she hasn’t been since her first date with the man. They buy cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, big drinks, and make their way to the front row, where he again managed to get tickets. The two watch in amazement as the dancing horses come out, followed by bears balancing on large rubber balls, then the elephants. They watch in trepidation as the lion tamer whips and yells at the lion, as the trapeze artists fly to and fro. They watch delightedly as finally the clowns make their way to the center of the ring. They bound about acrobatically, juggle while riding the unicycle, and joke with the crowd. The head clown, still the same man, after all of these years, recognizes the man in the front row with the beautiful girl, and comes strolling over.
As he motions for the attention of the crowd, he leans toward the young man and says:
“Hey mister, are you the horse’s head?”
And the young man replies “Well…no”
So the head clown says, “Well that must make you the horse’s ass!”
The whole tent erupts with laughter at the man. Even his date is laughing. But he is unruffled. He stands up, looks at the clown, waits for the laughter to die down and says:
“Hey clown…Fuck you!”
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