FunnyStory about animals and all around the world
Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)
Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)
Play game and comfortable :)
Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.
The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"
The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."
Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."
Her husband raises his hand and says:
"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
Saint Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"
The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"
The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Peter's also brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will also be chained with an ugly girl for eternity!!!"
The third man has seen enough and months he tries his best not to step on a duck and tries to be as cautious as possible. After a year in Heaven Saint Peter's brings a pretty girl and he is chained with her for eternity.
Third man: How did I ever get chained with a pretty girl like you for eternity? Pretty girl: I don't know but I stepped on a duck...
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking at a bar with Hirohito, Mussolini, and Fransisco Franco.
The man hears Hitler brag about killing millions of Jews and sixteen spotted owls.
The man goes up to the table and asks, "Why in the hell would you kill sixteen spotted owls?"
Hitler nudges Hirohito, "See, I told you. nobody cares about the Jews!"
When he gets to heaven, he runs into Saint Peter. He also sees a bunch of clocks on the wall. “What are all those clocks for?” the man asked. “Well,” said Saint Peter, “Those clocks move every time someone lies, see that clock over there, that one belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved. “ “Well what about that one?” asked the man. “That one, belongs to Abraham Lincoln it’s only moved twice.” said Saint Peter. “Where’s Donald Trump’s clock?” asked the man. Saint Peter replied, “It’s in Jesus’s office, he likes to use it as a fan.”
and asks him for his name.
"My name is Ed." he said.
"Just Ed? no last name?"
"Just Ed."
"care to explain?" asked the cop.
"Well, it started a long time ago. I was Ed Johnson. As a kid, I always wanted to be a doctor. So I studied hard and finally graduated medical school. From then on, I was known as Ed Johnson, M.D. After a few years, I wasn't happy and decided to pursue my true love. Dentistry. I went back to school and got my D.D.S. From then on, I was Ed Johnson, M.D., D.D.S. Things were good till I got V.D. from sleeping with one of my patients. At that point, I was known as Ed Johnson, M.D., D.D.S. with V.D. Well, the board found out I slept with one of my patients and stripped my D.D.S from me. Shortly thereafter, the AMA took away my M.D. I was now just Ed Johnson with V.D. a few years after that, the V.D. took my johnson due to infection.
Because of that, I'm now just Ed."
"I believe I am guilty of the sin of vanity," the girl told the preacher.
To which the preacher responds "Why do you think that."
The girl tells him "Well every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am"
Then the preacher tells the girl "Oh don't worry, that's not a sin, that's just a mistake"
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently……….
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fcuked her like there was no tomorrow.When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light.
“No madam”, said the gardener.
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day her grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day her grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could survive until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"
She responds: "see that man over there with no arms?Tell him to clap."
The kid replies: "but mom, I'm blind!"
Mom: "Exactly"
“Hey, boy! What are you doing with all that chicken wire?”
“I’m gonna catch some chickens, sir.”
“You fool, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”
The boy smiled and walked off. That evening he came back dragging the chicken wire with at least a dozen chickens rolled up in it.
The next morning, the old man sat on his porch and saw the boy coming down the street with a large pack of gray tape.
“What you got there, boy?”
“It’s Duck Tape brand duct tape, I’m going to catch some ducks today.”
“You fool, you can’t catch no ducks with Duck Tape.”
The boy laughed and later that evening walked by with a large group of ducks wrapped up in tape.
The next morning the man saw the boy coming down the street with a big bundle of reeds.
“What you got there, boy?”
“It’s a bundle of pussy willows, I –”
“Hold on I’ll get my hat!”
One day the wife signs to the husband, “Here’s what we can do. If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast. If you don’t want to, squeeze my right breast.”
“Ok,” signs the husband. “And if you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my penis 50 times.”
A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.
After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without saying anything. After a couple of hours, his parents went up to check on him only to see him in his room doing doing maths revision. They were confused but happy.
This went on every day for the rest of the year and at the end, the boy proudly held up his grade of an a+ in maths.
His parents asked him what change his mind about maths. The boy said: "on my first day of school, when I walked into the maths class, there was a guy nailed to a plus sign. That's when I knew they meant business."
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”
Me: “John”
Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?
How many legs does that chicken have.”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”
Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?”
Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”
Homeless man: “Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
She opens to see and a man asks, “Do you have a vagina??” She slams the door in disgust. The next day she hears a knock, opens up and its the same man. He asks the same question the woman slams the door again. Her husband gets home she tells him what happened for the last two days. The husband says to her, “Honey I’m taking tomorrow off to be home just in case he shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and the husband says, “I’m going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to see where he is going with this.” The man asks the same question, “Do you have a vagina?” “Yes!” replies the woman. The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s one alone and start using yours.
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”
That literally just happened.
Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.
He challenged the stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the man said to the stranger, "Why should any of us die? Let's both shoot into the air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she will rush, let that man have her." The stranger agreed. They both shot into the air and fell to the floor. The wife rushed in, looked at the two bodies and shouted, "Darling, you may come out, they both croaked."
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
The wife screams, “You can’t do this to me!”
The husband says, “I know. That’s why I’m doing it to her.”
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen...,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"...!!!
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport. He notices the driver looks at him insistently in the rearview mirror. After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks
"Ok. At least give me a hint"
David Beckham sighs and says
"I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?"
Driver replies: "No, you idiot! Where are we going???"
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief. Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." Chief: "How important? A governor or something?" Cop: "No sir. He's bigger." Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?" Cop: "More important, sir." Chief: "A major politician?" Cop: "No sir, he's much more important." Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?" Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
The bartender (confused): What's the Hotwater for?
Dracula pulls out a tampon: I'm having tea.
They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it..."
“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks
"I mite be", giggles the mite
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly
"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"
I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass on the misery
She came across a huge heard of sheep and saw their shepherd.
“Hey! If I can correctly count all your sheep, can I have one?” she asked, eyeing a chance to prove blondes could at least do basic math.
The bored shepherd answered, “Yeah, sure”.
The blonde set about counting and came back a little later.
“117”
“I’ll be... that’s right!”
Proudly, the blonde took her prize and made to walk away. As she did, the shepherd made a grimace.
“Wait!” shouted the shepherd.
“What?” said the blonde and stopped.
“Your hair is dyed, right?”
Getting nervous, the blonde answered, “yeah?”.
“If I can guess your original hair colour, can I get my dog back?”
A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
For his last meal the man asked for a banana. After he ate the banana and gave his last words the executioner through the switch but nothing happened. Due to the laws in the small village since he was processed though the execution and lived he had to be set free.
He got his job back as a train conductor and the first day back on the job he caused two more fatalities. Again the investigation found him guilty and he was sentenced to death by electric chair.
This time for his last meal he asked for two bananas. He gave his last words and the the switch was thrown but still the man survived. Again he was free to go.
He goes back to work at the railroad and kills three people because of his drinking on the job. This time when the man was sentenced to death he asked for three bananas. The warden says no bananas this time, you must pay for your crimes. The executioner throws the switch and miraculously the man is still alive! The warden says to the man how did you survive this time, we gave you no bananas!
The man just replies it has nothing to do with bananas, I’m just a shitty conductor.
He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said "Homer is fat, Lisa is smart and Marge has blue hair"
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Friend : How did you marry her?
Billionaire : I lied about my age.
Friend : You said 45?
Billionaire : No, I said 90.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend. I said “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied my wife.
I said “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”
“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?
At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence...
Cindy raises her hand. "Yes, Cindy?" She answers, "I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious."
"Very good, Cindy!" the teacher said, "Anyone else want to try?" Samantha raises her hand. "Yes, Samantha?" She answers, "My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious."
"Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative," the teacher praises. "Okay, one more volunteer." Little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, Johnny?"
"Well," he says, "I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'"
*OP's note: for those that don't get it... sound it out in two syllables.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her some fame as a competitive soccer player.
Darling met and married a handsome veterinarian named Chorus who worked at an African wildlife reserve and, in time, they had a baby boy. Despite the hardships she endured, she demanded that the child also have a unique name but she didn’t want the boy to know it was her idea. She told the father that the boy’s name would be “Love” and that he had to pretend that it was his idea. He reluctantly agreed.
Darling’s soccer career flourished and Chorus became head of pachyderm health at the wildlife reserve. As Love grew, he endured the same ridicule and taunting that his mother did. Love’s father continued to cover for his wife's decision and argued that in time he would learn to appreciate his unique name.
One day, Chorus was at work preparing a tranquilizer gun to work on an elephant when Love burst into his office. Love raged about the misery his name had caused him but Chorus kept up the pretense that the name was his own idea. Love grabbed the tranquilizer gun and shot his father with one of the potent darts before fleeing.
Chorus struggled for life aware that the elephant tranquilizer would kill him in a few short minutes. Darling, returning from a soccer practice found her husband struggling on the floor in his last moments of consciousness. Rushing to him, she held him in her arms and asked what happened? With his last labored breath
Chorus:
Shot with a dart and you’re to blame, Darling.
You gave Love a bad name.
I played my part while you played your game.
You gave love a bad name.”
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?
Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.
Journalist: And what does your heart say?
Riot Officer: Beat, beat, beat.
"Would you make a frog noise for me"
Why, asks the granddad confused.
The little girl replies "Dad says when you croak we are all going to Disneyland"
Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.
The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."
The second one says, "That's nice."
The third one says, "My father is one of the biggest donors to this school. He gave so much money that the building where they teach mathematics is named after me."
The second one says, "That's nice."
Then the two rich kids ask the second guy what his father gave him.
"We didn't have a lot of money but he gave me some very good advice", the second kid says. "He always told me to say 'That's nice' instead of 'Go fuck yourself'."
“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”
“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”
“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.”
“Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.”
“But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.”
“Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-”
“But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”
The priest falls silent.
“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”
The priest still did not answer.
“And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…”
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry.
“Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”
“Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”
I met a feminist in the bar, and she told me about the Dwayne Johnson rule. I should only say things to her that I would be comfortable saying to Dwayne Johnson.
That sounded like a good rule, so I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."
His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting married"...
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."
The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"
The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".
Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a flight attendant over. "The man behind me just hurled the most hideous insult at me, and I demand to be moved to a different seat!" she said.
The attendant gave her a consoling look of sympathy. "I'm so sorry, but as you know our flight is fully booked and until we find someone willing to switch seats, I'm afraid I won't be able to reseat you. We do apologize, however, and if you like, in the meantime we'd be happy to offer you anything from our in-flight menu free of charge."
"Fine", the woman said with an air of resignation, "but I've never been so insulted in all my life. What a horrible man!"
"Well, I just said the truth!", could be faintly heard from the seat behind.
Hearing that, the attendant resolved to make the woman feel better as soon as possible, telling her, "Any item of food or any alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage, whatever you choose, it's on us", she said.
"And if you like I'll also bring a banana for your comfort monkey."
A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”
Husband: Who is Priscilla?
Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.
Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?
Wife: Where are you??
Husband: Near the vegetable market.
Wife: Wait I’m coming there right now...
After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?”
Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.
She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"
Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"
Grandma giggles. "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey, and we were glad to get it!"
They all turn to great grandma, who's quietly knitting. Great grandma leans back in her rocking chair and says, "Gald-dang whipper-snappers! Back in my day, during the Great Depression, we was just happy to have something warm in our stomachs!"
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
I’m going to hell for this.
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal.
The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quite. The teacher and Johnny both agreed.
Principal: „What is 3 x 3?“
Johnny: „9“
Principal: „6 x 6“
Johnny „36“
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher „I see no reason Johnny can't go on to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.“
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.
Teacher: „What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?“
Johnny: „Legs“
Teacher: „What do you have in your pants that I don't have?“ The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, „pockets“
Teacher: „What does a dog do that a man steps into?“
Johnny: „Pants“
Teacher: “What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?“
Johnny: “Gum“
Teacher: “Where do most women have curly hair?“
Johnny: “Africa“
Teacher: „What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?“
Johnny: „Firetruck“
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says „Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 6 questions wrong myself. But Johnny, let me ask you this last question: How in the world do you know all this?“
With a smirk on his face, Johnny replied: „This joke isn‘t OC, I have reddit in class“
God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"
Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".
God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".
Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".
Obama: "I believe in democracy, helping the poor and in world peace."
God is impressed: "You may sit to my left".
Then he turns to Trump, and asks: "Donald, in what do you believe?".
Trump: "I believe that you are sitting in my chair."
....Who got tired of hearing almost everyone in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll Quit this position!"
Since everyone liked him, they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age of 80.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE
Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.
The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.
Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”
“Yeah.” the chicken replies.
Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE
The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”
The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window.
“There’s another bar across the road.”
So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.
"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"
"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.
About an hour later the man arrives to work looking like he feels pretty good.
"See!" says the boss. "I told that would probably work!"
"Yup - I gotta admit, you were right! You have a beautiful home, by the way."
A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".
Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden! That's where the bodies are buried. Love Vinnie"
At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son.
"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"
She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.
But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and even had a few kids of her own.
One day when the kids were out playing in the park they found an abandoned puppy. They decided to take it with them. Knowing their mother would not approve of it, they named it 'This' so that they can talk about it in front of their mom, without her knowing. They would say 'Let's take This outside' and things like that.
One day while the kids weren't paying attention, This ran out of the house and gets hit by a car. This eventually dies but the kids don't tell anyone. No one knew or remembered This.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”
The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the town's people.
The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to a post and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. And, since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.
After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
The man asks, “Why not?”
And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot ! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.
Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.
My Boss: The Bear can talk?
Me: No, that’s not the joke.
My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?
Me: No, that’s not the joke either.
My Boss: The Bear likes to drink?
Me: No, you’re overthinking it.
My Boss: Okay can you just explain it to me then?
Me: Of course not that would ruin the joke!
Conversation eventually changes topics because my boss doesn’t care anymore, I leave work a few hours later
I go to my boss’s office the next morning
Me: Hey Boss can I talk to you about something?
My Boss: Yeah sure what is it?
Me: ...and would you mind throwing a few ice cubes in there?” Bartender asks, “Why the long pause?” Bear replies, “I was born with them!”
Anyways, I need a new job so if anyone’s hiring please let me know.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
The gentleman was in morbid shock.
He couldn’t breathe.
He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'"
"Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until WHACK! He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
A foreign doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 42 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 42 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doctor: "Congrats! You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!"
Doctor: "Congrats! Your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"
The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."
"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!"
In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!"
In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!"
Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY CUNT YA HUSBANDS FUCKIN' DEAD" and walked out of the room.
"Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?"
A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all."
The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.
"I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out."
The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.
The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000."
"32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor."
The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me" Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"
Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”
Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”
She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a mild heart attack."
The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.
When the widow checked her email, she let out a shriek and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her children came running to see what the matter was, and saw this on the screen:
"Dearest wife,
Just checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. See you soon.
Your loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here!"
Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.” The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny. Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?” “Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.” “That’s great”, said Little Johnny, ”Coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses”
The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you can see, I have no arms, therefore I can't beat you, and I have no legs, therefore I can't run away from you." The woman, excited but skeptical of the man's words, asks "Yeah, but are you good in bed?" The man answers, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”
She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”
She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"
To which I replied, “That's where they held the auction.”
When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to explain..
The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
I asked her how she could do such a thing and she said "He actually pays attention to me, he takes me out!" I replied, "That's because it's his job, honey."
After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."
The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."
They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.
"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.
The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!"
Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!"
After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was he right, momma? Are we in danger?"
The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement has any idea what it's talking about."
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled and told the man that he was impressed. A man in a suit with a cane walked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million. The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k. The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left. The bar tender couldn't believe the owner just did that and said "Why did you just sell the frog?! There is no singing now!". The owner laughed and said "Don't worry; the rat is a ventriloquist!".
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that? " she demanded. Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836. At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "
"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.
"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable".
...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well, she just died and left me everything."
The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you." Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. Dad asked, "Where is Susie?" The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.” But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering “Dave, you’re a veterinarian…”
The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”
The man replied, “You shouldn’t bloody hell ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t fucking piss out of it,” he replied.
I want a divorce straight away!" And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’
So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of the piece. After he finished, Mom was like ‘did you just eat that pie from the fridge?’ And he was like yeah and she was like ‘that was the piece OP had eaten off of. You’re gonna get sick’
AND HE GOES
‘Well instead of mono now we’ll be a duo’
WITHOUT HESITATING. CHAMPION!
The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown.
"Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won't give you a ticket." The clown says "I don't have my equipment, it got sent ahead of me."
The trooper says excitedly "I've got some flares in the back of my car."
As the clown begins juggling the flares on the side of the road, a good-old boy, drunk off his ass, pulls in behind the trooper to witness the spectacle. After watching for a few minutes, the man then climbs into the back seat of the squad car. The trooper, having never seen a man arrest himself before, walks over to the man and asks "What are you doin, son?"
The man says "You may as well take me to jail now, 'cause I ain't gonna pass that test."
So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.
“You see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.”
“Mom...I’m Blind.”
“Exactly.”
‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ‘ are-my-tests-re-sults-back?’