FunnyStory about animals and all around the world
Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)
Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)
Play game and comfortable :)
Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.
The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!”
The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends.
He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “hey, aren’t you that rope I just kicked out?”
And the rope replied “no, I’m a frayed knot.”
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Once a man was traveling through the west on vacation, when he saw a sign that said, "Meet the Indian Who Never Forgets, Next Exit". Well, being curious, the man stops at the attraction to see the Indian. He asks the man, "What did you have for breakfast on June 9, 1978?" The Indian replies "Eggs!"
Well, everyone has eggs for breakfast, this guy is a charlatan, the man thinks.
10 years later, the same man is on vacation again, and sees the sign for the Indian again. He thinks what the heck, I'll stop in and see him.
When the man approaches the Indian, he holds up his hand and says, "How!"
The Indian replies, "Scrambled."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.
Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?
Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"
Teacher "Thats correct Sally, you can have tomorrow off."
Sally responds "No thanks. I'm Japanese and we value our education so I'll be here tomorrow."
Teacher "Ok then, let's give someone else a chance. Can anyone tell me who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country.'
Billy shouts out "JFK!"
Teacher "That right Billy, enjoy your Friday off"
Billy "No thank you, I'm a Mexican and we have a hard work ethic and I'm committed to school so I'll be here tomorrow"
Teacher "Well I guess no one wants tomorrow off. Let's continue with the next lesson"
As the teacher turns around to right on the board an angry Johnny in the back of the room mumbles "Fuckin foreigners"
The teacher snaps around and in a demanding voice asks "Who said that?"
Johnny jumps up and shouts "Donald Trump! See you losers on Monday."
They're both thinking 'Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me...'
I know this is a repost. Welcome to /r/jokes
https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793
To find out how to help, follow the link above.
The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"
The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back. The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.
"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"
The crocodile then swims underwater and fetches a treasure chest full of money and gold and gives it to him.
"INCREDIBLE!" says the third friend "I've got a better one, I wish my penis touched the ground!"
The crocodile bites his legs off.
Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.
I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!
They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.
"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.
Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. That's nothing."
Dad comes back and mom goes off to use the washroom.
Once mommy is gone, Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?"
"That's the bull's cock, son," his dad answers. "He uses it to mount and fuck a cow."
"But mommy said it was nothing!" Johnny replied.
Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer. "Son... I've spoiled that woman..."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."
Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"
Teacher : What's wrong ? John: Our house is very small. My mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, John are you sleeping ? Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye" Teacher: Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer. The following morning John comes back with a severe black eye again. Teacher: My goodness, Why the black eye again ? John: Dad asked me again, John are you sleeping ? I shut up & kept dead still.Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same time Mum was breathing like a Christmas chicken, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a Hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mum, Are you coming ? Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are you coming too ? Dad answered:- Yes. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, wait for me, I'm coming too.
"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman?
"I just had my first blowjob" says the man.
"Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!"
"Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will".
A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: "How did she marry you?"
Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"
Friend: "You said 45?"
Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"
This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.
A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacuate, but she refuses saying "Jesus will provide".
At first, the storm is light but as the night progresses the wind and rain kill the power. Time passes, and soon the storm surge has her up on the roof of her house. She brings only an electric lantern and prays "Jesus will provide".
Another hour passes, and to her surprise the coast guard is patrolling the floodwaters looking for people trying to brave the storm. They motion her to board the boat, but she refuses. "Jesus will provide" A few more hours pass, and the boat a second time tries to get this woman into the boat. A second time, she refuses. "Jesus will provide"
At this point, her house is nearly completely underwater. Only a tiny section of her roof is still above water. Seeing how dire the situation is, the coast guard tries to force to woman into the boat. But she fights them off with her lantern shouting "Jesus will provide". Seeing the futility of their efforts, the coast guard leaves. Not long after, the woman slips on a shingle, and drowns in the floodwaters.
In front of St. Peter, the woman is livid and demands to see Jesus. How could her lord and savior not save such a good Christian woman such as herself? It takes some time, but she eventually meets Jesus where she asks
"Lord, I prayed to you every day. Why did you not save me during the storm?"
Confused, Jesus looks at her.
"Lady, I sent the boat back three times"
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.
The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
The mathematician takes a match, lights it, and extinguishes it in a glass of water. He declares: "A solution exists." and goes back to sleep.
Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,
"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"
The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"
"No, it was mustard this time."
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
"By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man... "But let me tell you about my weekend."
The first one asks, “Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!” “No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!” “No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that…”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my house.”
So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was lick the stamps. God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan".
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."
Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem
Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
“Dancing,” she replied.
The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled.
“I did once and she looked really angry.”
“Why angry?”
“Because she was watching from the window!”
She asked me come fix her sink, I been here for an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
An Arabic man is walking his animals when out of nowhere Jesus appears.
Jesus walks up to the Arabic man and asks
"Hi good man, could I speak to your dog?"
The man replies
"Jesus, my dog can't speak"
Jesus ignores the comment and adresses the dog
"Dog, how are you doing, are you treated fair?"
The dog replies
"My lord, I am very happy. My owner feeds my well, walks me 3 times a day, and plays with me all the time"
The Arabic man stands there in astonishment
Jesus asks
"My good man, could I now speak to your horse?"
The man replies
"Jesus, my horse can not speak"
Jesus still addresses the horse
"Great beast, how are you, are you treated well?
The horse replies
"My lord, I am a might happy horse. I am walked and trained many times a day, fed very well, my hair is always combed, and all is good."
At this point the man is at loss for words
Then Jesus asks
"My man, may I speak to your goat?"
The man yells out
"NO, NOT THE GOAT, THE GOAT IS A LAIR"
In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 Nazi aviators. Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?
Check mate vegans
She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob.
Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now.
She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob.
Bob hands here the 800 dollars and walks away.
My wife comes upstairs. I asked her, Hey, who was at the door?
"Oh, just our neighbor Bob." She says.
I say, "Oh damn, where'd he go? Does he have the $800 he owes me?"
Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.
Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.
Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"
Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."
"Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.
To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."
A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"
"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it was pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"
A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..
Husband : "What did I do?"
Wife: "You slept with my sister, you bastard!"
Husband: "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"
Wife: "The fucking autopsy!"
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.............She never got your email!
He is about to climb up the white clouded stairs and stops in front of a golden gate. There is a bearded man waiting for him. The Muslim asks: "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I'm St. Peter. Mohammed is higher up" The Muslim is very happy to hear that Mohammed is more important than Saint Peter and is higher up. He climbs another flight of stairs .Tired, he stops in front of another large gate. He finds a young man with curly blond hairs and asks: "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I'm Michael, Mohammed is higher up" The Muslim is in ecstasy learning that Mohammed is more important than angels. He climbs an even longer flight of stairs. Exhausted, he reaches another gate, even bigger. He is met by a bearded man and asks him: "Are you Mohammed?" "No. I am Jesus. Mohammed is further up" The Muslim is ecstatic and explodes with happiness learning that Mohammed is even more important than Jesus and that his religion is indeed the best of them all. He cannot wait to meet Mohammed. He quickly climbs further up. Panting, breathless, exhausted, he arrives at a huge white gate. Waiting for him is very old man with a long white beard. The Muslim asks with the little breath he has left: "Are you Mohammed?" "No. I'm God, but I see you're tired, come in, seat down, rest for a moment. Do you want some water, a coffee perhaps? And the Muslim says: "Yes, a coffee ... I would be very grateful" So God turns around, raises his hand, whistles, and says. "Mohammed, two coffees"
Woman : You know, this wasn't what I expected when you said you were magical in bed
*Man pulls out ten of hearts
Man : And is this your card?
Woman : Holy shit
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
The Jewish man walks up to the Korean man and, totally unprompted, punches him in the face.
Naturally, the Korean man goes "What was that for?"
The Jewish man responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese," says the Korean man.
"Ah, Korean, Chinese, Japanese — you guys are all the same."
Looking not to argue, they part ways.
Later in the night, the Korean man walks up to the Jewish man, and punches him in the face as well.
"Okay, okay, I get it — that's fair. I punched you, you punched me, but what was that for?"
"That was for the titanic," says the Korean man.
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."
"Yeah — Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceberg. You're all the same."
Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn’t even try it on.
Psychic: I’m a medium.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:
"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?"
"That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm"
"Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?"
"I wouldn't say so Tom, seems pretty unlikely"
"Ah, shit... I guess I just ran over a Nun then.."
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock". The wife glanced down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard. She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous. We must save the lady!"
The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"
A young man who was walking down the street says "Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there". The old man looks at him and says "Well son, I am Jesus Christ". "Jesus Christ?", the young man replied skeptically. "Yes my son, follow me", the old man said as he walked into the bar.
As he enters, the bartender turns around and says "Jesus Christ! not you again!"
Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?
Son: I went to school
(Beep)
Son: fine, I went to my friends house.
Dad: what did you do at your friends house?
Son: we watched a movie
Dad: what kind of movie?
Son: A Disney film
(Beep)
Son: Ok fine we watched an r rated movie
Dad: Holy crap, even I wasn't exposed to that kind of material when I was a kid
(Beep)
(Everyone looks at the dad)
Mom: Well, he's your son
(BEEP)
An Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100
A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer : "I have lost my sense of taste"
Chinese doctor : "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth"
Lawyer : "Ugh..this is kerosene"
Chinese doctor : "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20"
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer : "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything"
Chinese doctor : "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth"
Lawyer (annoyed) : "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste"
Chinese doctor : "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20"
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer : "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all "
Chinese doctor : "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100"
Lawyer (staring at the bill) : "But this is $20, not $100"
Chinese doctor : "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed autopsy, did you check for pulse?”
Witness: “No”
Lawyer: “did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No”
Lawyer: “did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No”
Lawyer: “ so, then it is possible for the patient to be alive when you began the autopsy?”
Doctor: “no”
Lawyer: “how can you be so sure doctor ?”
Doctor: “because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar”
Lawyer: “but the patient could have been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere”
The bartender pours them for him. He then takes equal sips from each beer and proceeds to do so until all glasses are empty. He pays and leaves. He does this every day for a week before the bartender decides to ask what that's all about.
"Why do you come in and order three beers, and then take equal sips from them until they are empty?" Asks the bartender. The guy replies "well, I've got three brothers. We used to meet up every evening for a beer, but they had to move out of town. So we've decided that each of us will drink three beers every day, one for each of us."
The bartenders curiosity is sated. The guy continues to do this for about a month, until he comes in one day and orders only two beers.
"I'm sorry for your loss", says the bartender.
The guy is confused, and then says "oh no, nobody died. I just quit drinking."
Judge: Your word is "there."
Me: In a sentence please.
Judge: They're parking their car over there.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days."
The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack, and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge sends him to jail for 3 days.
The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says "Nah, I'm Bubbles."
The bartender asks him if it's a special occasion? The guy answers "Yes, my very first blowjob". The bartender gets excited and says "Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house". The guy answers "Nah, if six Jäger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference".
Because 7 ate 9.
Why did 7 eat 9?
Because you need 3 squared meals a day.
The police arrested 3 as well as 7, why?
Because 3 was the root of the problem.
Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Really doctor, why?
Doctor: So I can examine you.
While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes loudly.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?”
After a slight pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first, and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
She says “No, American.”
He is surprised when she says yes, and they decide to go out that Saturday. So the young man goes home, and spends the remainder of the week agonizing over what to do on their date. Should they go to dinner? A movie? Roller skating? Skydiving? Maybe go on a big game hunt? He has no idea. Finally Saturday comes, and as he is driving over to pick her up, he notices a sign saying that the Big Top is in town. He immediately knows that’s where they need to go.
So he picks up his date, radiant as ever, and they head to the Circus.
She’s incredibly excited, as she hasn’t been since she was a child. They buy cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, big drinks, and make their way to the front row, where he managed to get tickets. The two watch in amazement as the dancing horses come out, followed by bears balancing on large rubber balls, then the elephants. They watch in trepidation as the lion tamer whips and yells at the lion, as the trapeze artists fly to and fro. They watch delightedly as finally the clowns make their way to the center of the ring. They bound about acrobatically, juggle while riding the unicycle, and joke with the crowd. The head clown notices the young man in the front row with the beautiful girl, and comes strolling over.
As he motions for the attention of the crowd, he leans toward the young man and says:
“Hey mister, are you the horse’s head?”
And the young man replies “Well…no”
So the head clown says, “Well that must make you the horse’s ass!” The whole tent erupts with laughter at the young man, who is absolutely humiliated. Even his date is laughing. He tries to hide his anger, and pretends it doesn’t bother him. But he spends the rest of the evening fuming over the joke. He barely even notices that his date kisses him good night when he drops her off.
That night, the young man is unable to sleep. Lying in bed, he can think of nothing other than the clown. Why didn’t he say something? Why didn’t he stand up for himself? He has no answers, and finally falls asleep, dreaming of destroying the clown.
The next morning, the young man wakes up with a deep sense of purpose. Never in his life has he felt such drive. He will dedicate his life to getting back at the clown. He heads out the door, and immediately enrolls in university, majoring in Comebackology.
The young man gives his classes everything he’s got. He quickly rises to the top of his class, a star pupil. He wows his professors during finals, and is even crowned Valedictorian upon graduation, receiving his Bachelor of Science in Comebackology.
But he doesn’t feel ready. So he redoubles his efforts, and goes back to school, continuing to impress the faculty. After an amazingly quick year, he is awarded his Master’s Degree in Comebackology, the fastest it has ever been awarded. But still, he believes that he needs to become the greatest Comeback master who ever lived before he gets his revenge. So he continues his education, writing his PhD thesis on the “Ambiguities of the modern riposte: Is brevity still the soul of wit?” His professors are dumbfounded by the brilliance of the paper. He is lauded throughout the country as one of the preeminent Comebackologists, even asked to be on talk shows. The fame is staggering.
But the boy, now a man, doesn’t feel as though he is ready. He still seethes inside at the humiliation the clown dealt him. Nothing but the absolute verbal destruction of the clown will pacify him.
So he leaves the country, and begins studying with old Comeback masters around the world. But at each and every stop, he finds that he has surpassed them all. They have nothing left to teach him. But there are rumors of the greatest Comeback master alive, hidden away in the mountains of Nepal. For years the man searches him out, following clues and half remembered stories. His perseverance pays off, however, and he finds himself, exhausted and nearly dead, at the entrance to a great wooden temple built into a mountain. He is welcomed inside by the master himself, who had known that this day would come. The master is elated that a student worthy of his teachings has finally found him. The two become fast friends, working together day and night, meditating on the most ethereal of comebacks, the God Comebacks. 15 years the man spends there, until finally the master dies, happily bequeathing his title to his only pupil. The man takes one final look at his old master, then squaring his shoulders, heads out the door and down the mountain. He is finally ready.
The man goes back home, welcomed by family and friends, who had long believed him dead. He calls up the same young lady he had taken out all those years before, and incredibly, she is still single, and willing to go out again.
So he picks up his date, radiant as ever, and they head to the Circus. She’s incredibly excited, as she hasn’t been since her first date with the man. They buy cotton candy, popcorn, peanuts, big drinks, and make their way to the front row, where he again managed to get tickets. The two watch in amazement as the dancing horses come out, followed by bears balancing on large rubber balls, then the elephants. They watch in trepidation as the lion tamer whips and yells at the lion, as the trapeze artists fly to and fro. They watch delightedly as finally the clowns make their way to the center of the ring. They bound about acrobatically, juggle while riding the unicycle, and joke with the crowd. The head clown, still the same man, after all of these years, recognizes the man in the front row with the beautiful girl, and comes strolling over.
As he motions for the attention of the crowd, he leans toward the young man and says:
“Hey mister, are you the horse’s head?”
And the young man replies “Well…no”
So the head clown says, “Well that must make you the horse’s ass!”
The whole tent erupts with laughter at the man. Even his date is laughing. But he is unruffled. He stands up, looks at the clown, waits for the laughter to die down and says:
“Hey clown…Fuck you!”
The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"
The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"
The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"
The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train.
He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"
Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.
Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.
"Oh, that's easy." Replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
When behind him he hears:
Thump...
Thump...
Thump...
He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.
Thump...
Thump...
Thump...
He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along. He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him.
Thump...
Thump...
Thump...
Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly.
Thump...
Thump...
Thump...
Faster and faster he goes, until he finally reaches his house. Out of breath, he lets himself in and slams the door shut behind him, locking the deadbolt. He backs away from the door as he hears banging on the other side:
Thump...
Thump...
Thump...
CRASH!
The coffin bursts through the door, unhinging its lid. The lid swings wildly as it hops after him, and he screams and runs up the stairs.
Clappity-thump...
Clappity-thump...
Clappity-thump...
He runs into the bathroom and shuts the door, cowering against the back wall. Again, it rams into the door, smashing it open.
The man searches frantically for something to defend himself with. He sees a bottle of cough syrup on the counter and snatches it up. Desperately, he throws it at the coffin, and...
The coffin stops.
I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave I thought for a moment, if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would fall out of the basket and break.
To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home
After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were very good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of freckin’ time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."
The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him.
After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"...
Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
On his way home, he finds a cross at the bottom of a hill. So he kneels and prays to God, "Please God, let me find a way to feed my family".
At the top of this hill, a black man was walking home from grocery shopping when the bottom of his bag gave out and a cheese wheel rolled straight down towards the Mexican man.
When the Mexican man opened his eyes, lo-and-behold, there was a gigantic wheel of cheese at his feet. Overjoyed, he picked up the cheese and ran all the way home. He showed his wife the cheese and said "Look what God has provided us! The most glorious cheese I have ever seen! And, my fair wife, we must make Nachos with this cheese!"
The wife looked perplexed, and asked, "Why husband? Why must we make nachos?"
The man stood up and proclaimed, "Because God talked to me. As I was running home, he kept telling me "That's Not'cho Cheese!!! That's Not'cho Cheese!!!"
(Can't remember the comedian who told this on tv like 25 years ago. But best joke ever)
"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner.
"Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner.
"Why so cheap then?"
"Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he gets his Whoas and Giddy-ups mixed-up."
"You're kidding? Well, I don't have much choice. Here's $15, friend."
After he'd payed for the horse the owner went out to the stable to get Bill. When he came back, the cowboy could see that Bill was indeed old, but had very strong legs. After preparing the saddle, the cowboy hopped on Bill.
"Alright, Bill. Giddy-up!"
Bill would not move, not a twitch from his ears.
"C'mon Bill! Giddy-up!" he clicked, kicking the horse with his spurs.
Bill wouldn't budge. Not a swish from his tail. Remembering what the owner had said, the cowboy adjusted his reins and called...
"Whoa, Bill!"
Bill's ears perked, and he flew out of the barn like a bat out of hell. Horse and rider were outside the town in seconds, with a huge dust cloud trailing behind them. Off they went, flying over the Arizona hills. The cowboy could barely hold on to his reins; his feet flailing out behind the stirrups.
Over the next hill the cowboy could see that Bill was running them straight towards the edge of the Grand Canyon. He pulled back on the reins.
"Whoa, Bill! Whoa!" he cried.
Bill kept running. The edge of the precipice coming closer.
"Whoa, Bill! Stop, damn it!"
He suddenly recalled what the owner had said about Bill's mixed-up directions. Taking a deep breath the cowboy closed his eyes and shouted "Giddy-up, Bill!"
Bill came to an abruptly fast stop, just one horse-step away from certain death. The cowboy nearly vaulted over Bill into the vast gorge. Bill panted with exhaustion while the cowboy wiped his brow with his kerchief. From atop Bill, he looked down into the canyon at the dry riverbed far below.
"Whoa, Bill. That was clo--
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: August 14, 2017
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
Wife: "Come and play with me" Man: "Okay..."
He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.
So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.
He walked back in and slid the post up the woman's ass, but it slid out. He tried again and again, but every time it fell out. The man asked himself what could be wrong.
And then he realized, there was just simply too much reposting on this sub.
But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."
Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."
Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."
An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"
"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
I said, "I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"
She said, "Absolutely."
I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."
He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostrate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dk to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?'' The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?'' The general said, ''Just do it!'' The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dk. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls?" The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom. The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri. Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.
A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"
Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination.
As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade left by the gravedigger.
Tripping on the spade, he falls into the grave, landing heavily on the coffin. As fear grips his heart, he scrambles to climb from the grave, only to be flung headlong out onto the mound of dirt lying beside the grave. In terror, he turns to see a black coffin, standing vertically by the foot of the grave.
Screaming, he turns and runs at a full sprint in the opposite direction, ignoring the whip of low-lying tree branches on his neck and face. In the midst of his flight of terror, he hears a rhythmic 'THUMP, THUMP' following him. Turning mid stride, he sees the coffins now pursuing him, bounding effortlessly over headstones and leaving deep indentations where it lands.
Squeezing what little power he has left from his legs, he vaults the perimeter wall of the graveyard in a single vault. Glancing behind, he sees the coffin barrel straight through the wall, doing the same to the house gate he hastily bolts behind himself. Reaching the front door of his home, he fumbles for the right key, hands shaking and scratching the wood surrounding the keyhole.
Not bothering to close the door behind him, he sprints headlong up the stairs, thinking this obstacle would be enough to stop his pursuer. With a strangely pensive cadence the coffin moves up the stairs, taking them three at a time.
With the certainty of his demise becoming evident, he rushes to the cabinet in the bathroom at the top of the landing, desperately looking for a weapon to defend himself.
Rummaging blindly, his hand brushes and bumps past bandages, bottles of pills, searching for something as his eyes remained locked on his demise as it reaches the top of the stairs.
Just as his last hope begins to fade, his hand grasps a solid object, a large glass bottle of cough syrup. As the coffin reaches the door of bathroom, he raises his hand and throws the heavy bottle in a last act of defiance, breaking it on the lid of his pursuer.
And just like that, the coffin stops.
Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...
...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it's for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Donald Trump calls America and talks for 2 hours. When he was finished the devil informs him that his cost is 6 million dollars, so The Don writes him a check. Finally Kim Jong Un gets his turn and he's talking to all his friends, his harem, and all his generals for 20 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that his cost would be $1. When Trump and Putin hear this they go ballistic and ask the devil why Kim Jong Un got to call North Korea for so cheap. The devil replied, "Well, from hell to hell it's local."
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the growth state of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
So, Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
Little Johnny, about 7 years old, is on his way to a whorehouse. Once he gets there, he goes to the Madame and speaks to her
Johnny: Hey there Missus. I would like a hooker, please
Madame: I'm sorry little boy. you look way too young to come here. What's your phone number? I think your parents should come pick you up.
Johnny: No ma'am. I want a hooker
Madame: I can't let you. you're way too young
So they start arguing for a few minutes until Johnny reaches into his pocket and grabs a fat wad of cash. The madame thinks about it for a few seconds and then relents.
Madame: OK fine. Let me get a lineup and you can pick out the one you want to have fun with
Johnny: Don't worry about that, I got it all figured out. I want a girl with diseases.
Madame: I have a girl with diseases, but i don't think you want her. Let me get a lineup and you can get one of my good girls
So they argue again for a few minutes until Johnny pulls out another, even larger wad of cash. The madame has to think about this a little longer but eventually relents
Madame: OK fine. I'll take you to Jenny's room and you can have fun with her
Johnny: Great. Thanks!
So Johnny goes to Jenny's room, does his thing and then comes down a few minutes later. Before he could leave, the madame stops him
Madame: Why were you so hell-bent on getting a girl with diseases?
Johnny: Well when I get home, mommy and daddy are going on a date night. The babysitter will come over, molest me and get the diseases.
When mommy and daddy get home, daddy will take the baby sitter home, fuck her and daddy will get the diseases
When daddy gets home, mommy and daddy are gonna fuck and mommy will get the diseases
Tomorrow, when daddy is at work, mommy will fuck the mailman and the mailman will get the diseases AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER RAN OVER MY PET TURTLE. HE'S GONNA GET WHAT'S COMING TO HIM
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love-making she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you,” the black man says.
Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”
“I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me,” says the black man.
“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the woman says.
“Fine, my name is Snow!” the black man replies.
The woman bursts into laughter. The black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.”
The woman replies, “I’m not making fun of your name. I’m thinking of my husband who won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!”